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    It’s great that you have help from your mum. Don’t feel bad about asking her for help when you need it. Of course you will be in bits from time to time; that’s entirely expected. It takes time to deal with blows like this.

    A useful tactic for me was to discipline my thoughts about my ex and his new partner. If I ever caught myself imagining their conversations, feelings, what they were doing, I would stop myself and think about something else. I also stopped myself rehearsing imaginary conversations with him. Both of those made me feel so much worse and didn’t help the situation in any practical way. It made such a difference just to stop bloody thinking about them, stop going over everything again and again and again… there’s no point.

    It has also been helpful to give my child lots of love and attention so that our relationship is strengthened and we share our feelings for each other more overtly. There is bottomless unconditional love for you there, if you let them feel free to express it, and that will make you feel much better and stronger.



    #31801 Report


    I’m so sorry this is happening to you, and I sympathise with your situation – I have also been deserted for another woman, am alone in the UK, and want to go back to my country of origin; firstly because I need a support system around me that I will only get from my friends and family there, and secondly because the UK is not really a friendly place, especially to children, and my country is so much gentler and warmer, to people who are small and suffering.

    Trying to see it from his point of view, he is probably worried that he will lose contact with his children if you take them out of the UK. If you have already talked about this with him and he has clearly said no, maybe you can go back and talk again with some compromises ready, like, arrangements for visits with him? If it’s Spain you want to return to, it’s easy and inexpensive for them to travel to see him, as long as he trusts you to honour the agreement. So if you can gain his trust, by showing that you understand his point of view, and can be trusted to ensure that his relationship with them will not suffer, perhaps you can work out an agreement.  The problem is that he will be on alert now for you to sever their contact with him, and that may make it difficult for you to travel with them at all. It’s very easy for him to get you stopped at the border if he thinks he has to do that in order to not lose his children.

    I would advise that you don’t just take them and go – and I know how tempting that is – because it will only lead you to more problems and stress.

    He has to help you with rent and childcare, as that is is legal responsibility. If he’s not doing that, you can use some of the Gingerbread resources to find legal help to get him to understand his responsibilities.

    Don’t feel ashamed to ask for financial help from your friends and family back home, until you get his support sorted out. You are in an extreme situation, and people will understand. Once things settle down you can pay them back.

    Try to stay calm when you are talking with him,  and try to see things from his point of view. I know how hard that is but you need to make this situation better, and that is the only way that will happen.

    You are in a horrible situtation. But eventually things will get better.


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