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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 48 total)
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  • #11706 Report

    Sorry, struggling to follow – why and when do you need someone to babysit your son?

    #10894 Report

    I think sometimes we’re so busy looking after the kids we forget to look after ourselves.  Self care can be really important and we need to make sure we’re in a good, healthy, strong position to be able to look after our kids.

    If you think you could benefit from a spot of counselling, go for it.  If you think antidepressants might help you stabilise, give them a whirl.  If it’s a case of getting out of the house more (difficult in this weather I know, try and make it happen).  You’re going through a tough time so be kind to yourself.

    Take a little time to sit down and figure out where you can look after you a bit more.

    Maybe have a chat with your son and see if you can figure out where he’s coming from.  Do you manage to get 1:1 time with each of the children separately?  Maybe 10 mins per day just talking about their day?

    #10893 Report

    It takes the average woman seven attempts to leave an abusive partner.

    Even if she wants to leave, she still loves this man.  He’s most likely promising he will change and go back to being the person she fell in love with.  She could be desperate for that to happen, to get back to “normal”.  She will probably be wanting to support him to get clean and may feel guilty for leaving him in his hour of need.  He may say that he can’t get clean without her; that he needs her support and can’t do it alone.  Addicts are manipulative.

    It’s easy for us on the outside to tell her what to do but we’re not living it.  Add a child into the mix and things get hella more complicated for everyone involved.

    Can you speak to the local drug support centre and see what advice they can give?  They will be best placed.  Could be one route might be to educate yourself and try to help your ex and your child, be on their side rather than polar opposite?

    #10892 Report

    Simplest views are sometimes worth ruling out: is he just acting up to get your attention?  Do you spend enough quality 1:1 time with him?

    We see many parents “with” their children but they’re not actually engaging… parents might be on their phones or kids might be on their iPads but what they actually need is time and attention.

    Just floating an idea.

    #10095 Report

    Also, before you start dating again, make sure you’re familiar with what gaslighting and lovebombing look like.

    If he’s not 100% what you’re looking for, keep looking.  Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t call or meet when they say they will.  It won’t get better!!

    #10093 Report

    H, it’s not what you want to hear but sometimes you have to pick your battles.  Let this one go.

    #9900 Report

    So that’s a positive.  You’re still communicating so that’s good.

    Could you ask him to move to his dad’s by, say, the end of next week?  Say it’s becoming hard for you to lie to your son and it’s putting you in a really awkward position.  This gives you time to get a couple of books from Amazon about parents splitting up and maybe the three of you can sit down and have a chat together?  Explain that you both love him but you don’t want to live together any more.

    Is his dad’s place close enough that he can still see your son regularly?

    #9896 Report

    Heya, I haven’t been through exactly the same but am getting to know the Court process.

    From everything I’ve heard, contact generally only goes one way.  The courts are very much in favour of children having relationships with their fathers and take the view that even if he’s a drug addicted alcoholic he’s most likely to get contact increased each time you go back to court.

    Have you had Social Servs/CAFCASS involved to write reports?  If so, what did they recommend?

    #9895 Report

    Silly question, why doesn’t she just move out?

    #8752 Report

    Hey there, well done for getting free.  It isn’t easy.

    Have to tried Women’s Aid to see if they have any refuge places available?  As your ex is abroad I’m not sure if they can do this for you but it is worth asking.

    There’s also Rights for Women which give legal advice and they might be able to help too.

    Good luck


    #8751 Report

    Call Women’s Aid and see if you can get into a refuge.  WA will be able to advise you.

    Good luck


    #8750 Report

    Are you entitled to any benefits?  Does Child Tax Credit still exist?

    If you genuinely believe he should be paying more you could go down the CMS route and they will have access to his earnings declared to HMRC, but like you said, it may end up that you actually lose money.

    #8743 Report

    Hey Jasmin

    Glad you are safe.

    The Women’s Aid forum is a really good place to speak with other survivors about their experiences although you’re not allowed to discuss court proceedings there.

    Both the Women’s Aid helpline and the National Domestic Abuse Helpline are brilliant although can be really hard to get through to.  Please do persevere it will be worth it.



    #8437 Report

    Hi Marie

    Unfortunately these abusers never change do they?

    I’d suggest giving Women’s Aid a call.  They’re really knowledgable and will be able to offer advice.

    What sort of ages are your children and do you have an order in place?


    #8244 Report

    I think as Anonymous said above, all you can do is take responsibility for your own actions, nobody else’s.

    I’m assuming there’s no court order in force?  Can you say our lad will be available every other weekend from X til X.  Please confirm by 6pm the night before that you will be collecting him.

    That way you all know where you are?  Expect to have a weekend just you and your lad and if dad confirms on Friday night that he’s coming well that’s a bonus for your little one.

    Sometimes if we start with low expectations the only way is up 😉

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 48 total)