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  • #46715 Report

    domg
    Participant

    Gosh that sounds truly awful for you.

    In my limited experience I can say that most people don’t behave ‘normally’ in a situation like yours.  Both are trying to gain some sort of control over the unfamiliar and scary situation. Your example is classic, you trying to keep the family home going and your partner blaming you for their frustration and uncertainty. Anger and threats are things we use when don’t have control.

    What will be true is that this won’t be able to continue without one or both of you initiating an exit plan and a pathway to get there. This is often the most frightening part for both parties, not knowing or understanding what needs to happen to start and then complete the process of moving on.

    A simple way to do this is to book a conversation with a  family law solicitor at a citizens advice office, a mediator or relate counsellor. Someone who knows the facts about separating, the process and the law. I believe gingerbread offer this as well through a helpline and some good articles.  Perhaps find someone who has been through it before who you trust.

    When it comes to your son and discussing separation  in front of children, I don’t think that’s a responsible thing to do until they are teenagers or young adults. Blaming each other is pointless, its what children do, not parents. People make mistakes, fall out of love and change. These are human qualities which marriage cannot always successfully accommodate. Your children will benefit more from seeing you both in happy healthy relationships, or even happy and single, rather than in a toxic one.

    Try your best to find a neutral space alway from children to have difficult conversations. Perhaps one of you moving out temporarily would be a good idea as a way to clam things down. However I do understand that this is not always easy or possible for practical reasons. And for the person moving out this is an emotional rollercoaster.

    #46710 Report

    domg
    Participant

    @Tamala I don’t know if this helps, but when we realised it essentially wasn’t working any more, we both went to counselling first. This was the moment that made us both realise that it was dead in the water and that it was both of us who had to sort it out. There is no ‘right way’ to do this. You know each other best and your specific situation. If there are children, put them above both your needs and soon the path becomes clear. Look for a transition that minimises the impact on their well-being. Think how you can be consistent, loving, caring and maintain a dialogue letting them know that they are the most important people.

    Take care of yourselves, this will be emotionally hard so surround yourselves with friends and loved ones. Ask for their support.
    Avoid adversarial friends who encourage discourse, revenge, bitterness or blame. They do not have your Childrens interests at heart.

    Finally, if you choose to use solicitors, mediators and the courts, this will add to your already emotional load. It will also cost a lot of money that you may resent spending in the future. See if you can work things out between you. Know that you have to try lots of different approaches. And do not ever let anyone bully, coerce, intimidate or gaslight you into making a decision or signing anything until you are 100% sure.

    The very best of luck in being brave and courageous for your family’s happiness in the future.

     

     

    #46227 Report

    domg
    Participant

    I’m a dad with two children. My ex is currently in  the family home and we co parent there.

    Background: when we separated and I initiated the divorce, my ex wanted me to move out straight away. Most fathers will be advised not to move out unless you have reached an agreement on childcare /parenting and any finances. Once this is done one of you should agree to move out.

    Obviously this has both financial and emotional impact on the individual moving out and the children so put them first and tell them what’s going on in a caring way.

    We set up our co parenting that the ex lives in the house and pays the bills as well as claiming benefits.

    I had to rent, work and pay my way, but I ‘nest’ and spend time with my children at the house . Because it’s slightly unequal in time (60/40) I pay some child maintenance to my ex based on my income.

    My ex has a new partner so she goes to his house when I’m at home with the children.

    Nesting works well for the children as they have the stability of one place while the parents do the moving around.

    We will keep to this until we sell the house at a later date and both either rent or buy.

    If you have any questions let me know.

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