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  • #44730 Report

    BecksandB
    Participant

    Your point about his fear- people knowing about him. I’ve turned my whole life into this and been participating in all the calls for evidence for reform and contributing disclosure with the justice board. My local MP is the under minister for the bill and currently working on the implementation plan for actioning the Domestic Abuse Bill and coercive control as a crime. The practical solutions are very weak and there appears to be absolutely no proposals for credible deterrents or even reprimands other than court, conviction maybe, fine or prison. And with the courts broken it’s just not hopeful. I’d be interested to know what you think overall but there are adversarial works going on also because this issue is so important for future generations of children. I had considered if a ‘name and shame local register‘ of some sorts? Nothing sinister but perhaps anyone found to have unreasonably denied child maintenance? Parents who don’t pay? Type of thing? The other real thing with this is image and I did very honestly say to my ex that I would be forced to take this to the press if he didn’t deter his efforts at one point!! I scripted the headlines and told him the BBC contact I had lined up and I believe he knows that i mean it. As a last resort knowing I’d ultimately lost faith in the whole thing. But I’m keeping the faith and I also don’t like whistle blowing for that purpose. This issue needs a steered future. So I’ll save the BBC when I have the answers! I’m curious did you find litigating and the whole thing come naturally to you?

    #44728 Report

    BecksandB
    Participant

    That’s such a positive story regarding your success of the system. Obviously a negative story and a tragedy that we find ourselves needing them to start with! For me I’m curious that he threatened to take them from you so much that you got the order and that he isn’t still using that threat of the children but playing out differently somehow? My abuse is just a poster campaign for Coercive Control and the need for PD12J which sadly is lagging in uniting mothers ultimately with their children in terms of abuse affects. My ex threatened court, took me, threw the most theatrical and costly shit storm my way all over my ability to mother and his full time care order (from never having taken a single day off even from birth, bath or bedtime). He used the court to lie about working from home facilitate fulltime fatherhood (when he runs a factory!) and created The most indescribable allegations against me drowning me in solicitors letters threatening emergency protection orders and calling Social services on me, I had the police over, he went to town. Was brutal. Utterly brutal and worse than attacks when I was with him which now sadly feel like a walk in the park. I recall being in tears when a police officer paid me a house visit at some stupid time of night and found me with a kitchen floor full of court work preparing the case and drinking tap water with a burnt oven meal I was trying to get down me. In tear I said and I still mean- I would rather he break every bone in my body then this abuse through the court system playing insanity! You can’t wear the court scars because no one sees them unless experienced it also. And it makes me feel very thankful that for the right people it works and has a place. Was the wrong place for me. And I’ll be honest – it scares me that it’s not the right olace for my ex? He’s not scared and will just do what he wants to get me and use my baby in whichever way now I’ve left. Financials an ongoing fight and the next court one now but the scary one which kicked in last week was medical concerns which I thought the court had quashed! He’s relentless and don’t know what I do. He refused to return him last week until he’d taken him to the doctor. I don’t care for me it’s his psychological protection now. This medical bullshit I don’t know where to start. Thinking a specific issues order maybe. But the courts broken and unlikely as an extension. Sound like you kicked LIP butt! The police don’t have copies of our court orders though they only keep Non Mols and depending who you get on the phone varies the response you get. I hear ‘civil matter’ a lot. Most helpful but there’s no clear protocol for non return without a power for police direction stipulated? Seems like you might understand or know more maybe?

    #44727 Report

    BecksandB
    Participant

    I have such a massive respect for you with how dignified and appropriate you are being. You guys are clearly going to make being separated co-parents work like superstars as you care about the right things which is each other despite no longer romantically attached and placing your baby right where any parent should- which is first!

    Forgive my edgy tone- I’ve been investing my life and time and doing a lot of work on the rights of children within financial abuse cases before the courts as part of the wider domestic abuse issue and recent bill. My life changed the day during lockdown when during separation and broke and living with my parents I asked him if he could let us home or help with rent as my father was branded high risk and to shield and in a one bathroom house we took doctors advice to give him space. He had two other properties he could have moved into, one his and empty and one the annex cottage at his parents place and he refused to let me and our son who was 18 months have a roof over our head during the start of lockdown when you couldn’t even walk to the outside bins and back! So it’s close to my heart! Ive never had the guts to go claim squatters rights maybe your lady would! 🙂 I’ll give her the address!! Im playing a longer game but one that will hopefully mean no man can do that when it most matters. Broke my heart and soul! So you guys will be fine!! 18 months is a full on age too! Maybe pull different shifts when you spend time at the house maybe? That said I’m surviving on UC in a very expensive postcode so I’m curious how she’s so short to be at least comfortable? Any chance she’s done it wrong? I had to get help for mine? It’s hard! Just truly know it’s usually just about possible With some compromises- so I just eat less, my other friend bigger house but no sexy postcode privileges and she keeps a full freezer. It’s a priority thing but shouldn’t be a complete no go if she’s desperate? Have you spot checked her calculation? I corrected a friends and it won an extra £800 a month in a simple error?

    #44724 Report

    BecksandB
    Participant

    Also Picklepie- great to hear your empowered story. I think the key difference for Twin is that she has no idea what’s going on? Court and a CAO might be avoidable for them with a friendly agreement as it sounded Twin was happy with. For the wrong couples CAO’s can be costly and crippling and if the abuse has been dealt with and buried it can bring it all up again and not help parents move on. Pickle is rightly fearing something she believes she doesn’t need and also not understanding the paperwork and how it’s been issued!

    I have a CAO and like you- do you mind my asking do you have a Non Mol attached also or did you have to go through a fact find or final hearing? Who set those terms for your ex? Did you manage that with him and consent to the order or did you have a magistrate rule on those proposals? Who’s idea was the no comms and not near house and supermarket etc? Cafcass? Mind my asking why you took him? And why you think it’s working well for you?

     

    i just ask as I get a hint he was abusive perhaps in some way. Like my ex. He took me and lost and back fired against him big time. He’s just started breaking it though… so asking cos I need to see how someone else understands it! And what I do if my son is kept? I’m not filing a court order and sitting with my thumb up my arse till he brings him back that’s for sure?! Do you know what it is? Would really appreciate your take and advice maybe? I’ve got my plan in place today as he’s due back tonight but mother’s instincts! He’s going to do it again. And it’s not about him causing harm to our son by keeping him. I just refuse to have spent a year fighting against a piece of paper I managed to turn in my favour to now find after 3 months that it’s not worth the paper it’s written on?

    #44723 Report

    BecksandB
    Participant

    Who issued the emergency CAO? He used a solicitor from prison to argue that you what? Wouldn’t bring them to the jail house or threatened him with it? Either way- doesn’t make sense? Sure it’s done been done by local services more due the issue of his arrest for assault? Can you have a call with him and ask also ask the police officer you spoke with? And you are right. You’ve done nothing wrong. Courts can’t host a guilty until you prove innocent on child issues. They are barely operating right now- and what has been called an emergency? The need for a date maybe? Happy to find coms to look at it for you?

    #44722 Report

    BecksandB
    Participant

    Hi- really can help here. To say this- don’t fret the legal for you yet. Depends whether you want to fight it fire with fire but having been there it’s soul destroying.

    4 months is fresh. Were you married? If not, why did she get a solicitor? And what does she want from one? Do you know if she’s claimed legal aid and if so- how? Or can she afford to waste money over this with you? Also are her solicitors accredited family law solicitors? This is important. Have you had a letter restricting contact and under what grounds and for how long? I think the key to this is finding out what prompted the solicitor involvement. And try to fix that and get back to where you were with her. She wants something. And 4 months is fresh. As for verbal abuse, do some work on recovery for yourself and try to stop using that on her- it might be she is counter alleging your abuse of your children sadly to mirror your allegation against her. It’s a classic thing that is done. I’d simply re brand your split and not allocate blame and work on trying to fix your relationship now as separated parents. Also, trust me. Social services and the courts have some very significant and sinister child welfare cases to deal with and, not that it makes it socially acceptable these days, but smacking is actually not illegal by being physically abusing your child. So honesty is ok and actually parents sometimes do thing they aren’t comfortable with but it’s owning it. And being able to admit weakness doesn’t make you guilty. It makes you human. Social services aren’t anything to fear either. your ex will be the one to fall foul of these same institutions if she continues so obviously to use ‘abuse of the systems and services’ to continue engaging with you. Try and diffuse it. And be prepared to get over her actions quickly so that you can move on. Try and get the solicitor out of the picture because sounds very strange- have you attended mediation with her? What’s her game plan? A C100? Sorry you are going through this. But focus on being the best you and don’t waste time fearing the court….! Also legal aid- that’s usually assessed financially? Means tested? Abuse victims qualification for it isn’t verbal abuse- it’s abuse from assault that’s resulted in a conviction for instance! It’s proved then by virtue of the perpetrator being in jail! Also you can litigate in person. Lots of support on this. Find out the above and happy to message help again if you need.

    #44719 Report

    BecksandB
    Participant

    Ironically as private and full tenant she would get much more than as a sublet anyway? Or is she working? I’ve been where you are it’s hard I know but you have a baby- just be careful cos you have all the risk if UC coach ticked the social services needs criteria and then becomes uncomfortable to answer and she could end up on the benefit fraud register.

    I know it’s hard to hear but we are all skint and just have to get smaller houses, go arrears on the gas bills and eat pot noodles the weeks that you might want to go to lunch! Join the club! And saying that as a single mum with 2 year old boy! My ex locked us out when my son was 1 years old. Faking that situation is a rare one that just doesn’t happen much and you might end up with the old bill round or with a court summons… tell her to evict herself and join the reality race of separated sisterhood!

    #44718 Report

    BecksandB
    Participant

    Oh my god…. so glad I read this. Don’t evict her with covering both your arses as to why if it ever comes up for you and read below to see why. Also her regarding the radical need because benefits are just not cutting it!

    It’s just passed legislation and is super illegal – so she would be compensated but only after you were successfully investigated or at least identified as being on the list to fine when they want to claw back what it cost the government to pay her extra for it.

    She’s on the right-ish track and I admire both your radical thinking but you might need to call UC helpline and ask how the eviction thing is even granted? If it even is?

    Much easier ways – discretionary housing payment?

    #44717 Report

    BecksandB
    Participant

    Agree to the above! Not for court and not for your ex even but firstly for your son and also for you. He’s actually looking for your direction still so don’t echo what he thinks he knows over this very complex issue for him. And I won’t dignify any credence or criticism of Cafcass! They will be lucky to survive the next few years court reform! I digress. Studies have tested that actually children don’t ‘get or understand’ alienation. It’s an adult projection of a complex anxiety. Children naturally love their parents and want to please us. Parental alienation was the single biggest fear of mine from the efforts by my ex. I pulled out the legal big guns yet rather obviously looking back now I could and never will be able to stop my ex saying a thing he wants. I can only control myself. Now if my son (have a boy too!) starts to show anxiety as a sign of alienation then I’m in a different position and one of power. But it relys on me being the better person and parent and being able to know that I have never tried to pour the poison. I celebrate seeing ‘Pa’ and always smile and wave and walk off confidently. (My ex insists on ridiculous public meeting places!) My ex would have be take the blame for creating COVID-19 right now on top of world debt! But he can never say that I make ‘going to his Dad’ an issue with regards to ‘what our son is wanting’! You might have to keep your refusals for his contact For your own and real reasons so don’t hide behind your son as I promise confidence on you being cool with dad will be something as a young male he will respect you for (so I see with fellow friends in our situation with one age 5 and the other 7). Not sure that helps. Hope it has. X

    #44716 Report

    BecksandB
    Participant

    Hi Crafty- yes know lots about this and can help! What’s he done to tip you over the edge in the criminal reporting direction if you don’t mind my asking?

    Have you been to any family court proceedings?

    Becks

     

    #44715 Report

    BecksandB
    Participant

    Hi Lis, just new here. I have explicit experience from the family courts through my situation and keen to engage with you to help break down of the fear you are having around the idea of re-visiting it (which is within your control also). Can I ask why you haven’t seen your boy for a year? Is he close? What conflicts have come up other than the big bad buck! ££ have you explored any other conflict resolutions? Also, do you understand the Lives With Terms of your long standing order especially if in place for so long? I hear boys hit that age and suddenly can have a very strong father complex either positively or negatively. Is he just hero worshiping his Dad right now and perhaps something you can get on board with and share or is it parental alienation? I’ve asked many questions as I’ve been in your place. Utterly overwhelmed and scared and tired and not knowing where to start and solicitors and courts and it’s suffocating. I had to invest in tools learned within CBT therapy (online self referral available through NHS site.) it is simple stuff but it works! Isolate the fear, the issue, and then break down your way out. Happy to email to help more, also sleep and eating well. Becks x

Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)