[SunnyDance]

Fabulous. So glad to meet you. It’s a bit of a lonely world our end…Will private message. Thanks for reaching out. S x

[SunnyDance]

Dear Roxy

My heart goes out to you! And to others like you.

The behaviour is very typical of the narcissist I am afraid! Until my divorce started I didnt even know what a narcissist was! I Was driving myself crazy trying to figure him!

Only later after loads of research I realised that there is no figuring out! I am so sorry!

Just my small advice:

1. Take some time alone everyday to consider your options…be clinical about it ( impossible at first but gets better with time…like a gym workout)

2. Try minimum contact with your ex. The more contact you have with a Narc, the more you will suffer…it took my 5 years to be where I am now – mostly unaffected by what he does and says..and I am just able to shrug my shoulders and continue watching my film, talking to penpals…baking that cake or paint that picture. He cannot affect me anymore…like 97%.

3. Seek therapy and do your research. Read read read. Self care during divorce articles and books, Narcissist related content, how to care for your kids  during divorce..loads out there. The whole divorce thing with a narc is a bit of a business I am afraid. Because you will be on your own. Its not like other Normal peoples divorces.

4. Practice self care : exercise, food, quiet time ( lots of!) – solitude is essential. And be ready to choose your battles…the kids will survive on basic food for a few days..or tv for a few hours, or not going out for a week – whilst you sort your head and heart out.

 

Hope this helps.

Lots of Love

Sx

[SunnyDance]

Sure thing. Will do x

[SunnyDance]

Hi Lucre

If the narc can wriggle out of paying…then he will. I am prepping myself to go it alone…if needs be.

I think he is cooking something up..as my CMS application is taking a while…

Keep strong and prepare for a future ahead of just you and the kids.

S x

[SunnyDance]

Dear Roxy Danni New Dad and others on this topic

Thank you so much for your messages. I am new to gingerbread and been trying to find other lone parents like you.

Lije you I feel very isolated. I work full time and have full time kids since they walked out of their narcissist father’s home 6 weeks ago. He is wealthy but refuses to pay maintenance…and has shown no interest in seeing the kids. In fact he blamed them for their behaviour and made them feel guilty for leaving him!!!

A malignant narcissist in his full glory!

I would love to chat more about this. You are right ..other single parents might not necessarily get what we are going through.

Sending you love.

S x

 

 

 

[SunnyDance]

Dear Newmum, Lucee, Msmomny

Firstly my heart breaks for you! I have mentioned the idea of the “narcissist” on this forum, but not sure if people took that on board.

I too am a fellow victim and sufferer for 27 years. My kids 10, and 15 finally made the decision to walk out of his house during February half term. Now i am a full time worker and a full time mum. Challenging yes. Regretful, no. My kids are extremely happy away from their toxic father. He stopped paying maintenance, hasn’t contacted them, hasn’t asked to see them

He is a text book malignant narcissist and all his actions are very typical of his type.

I get exhausted everyday. But I wake up breathing fresh air and grateful for my sanity.

In had talking therapy and took prescribed anti anxiety medication during and after my divorce in 2019. It has taken me nearly 4 years to get to a good place from all the sadness, devastation, feelings of abandonment etc which comes with being married to a narcissist..and the constant heartbreak to see how he treats his own kids.

Feel free to message me. There is no negotiating, hoping for better, fixing, or expecting reasonable behaviour from a narcissist. Ever!

CMS definitely, minimum contact definitely, zero expectation, always.

Focus on your self care and the wellbeing of your children. Turn mind off to the narc and move onto a better, freer, future of growth happiness and fulfilment. Sending you all my prayers and love.

[SunnyDance]

Hi Happy

Thank you so much for your story. I am in the same 24/7 happy but exhaustive position. I would love some tips from you please re organisation…as I am at my wits end at the moment. Is it ok if I private message you? Thank you

s x

[SunnyDance]

Hello.

 

Yes, Oana, Ch18 and Another are completely correct! Things can be painful for different reasons, either still loving your ex, or hating your ex ( my case was the latter LOL!) Like Another, we had to live together under the same roof for nearly 3 years..at the end of which I had a breakdown, whilst at the bank paying for my exchange fees for buying my own place!

My stomach used to feel sick, every time I hear the key turn in the lock knowing it was him returning and all the life went out of the house and my spirit.

Now, 2 years down the line, I have less money, tiny house, working like a horse, got full time kids, am exhausted sometime..etc, etc..But you know what?!

I HAVE PEACE AND SAFETY AND SANITY! I often think about all that I have gained and saved, compared to what I have lost…the positives having divorced and setting my life away from  him, FAR outweigh the “losses” of a lost marriage and “husband family”.

Keep heart, keep strong and focus on what things are essential to you. Simplify your life and let if flourish.

Hugs.

S x

[SunnyDance]

Hello Mum 247

Yes, life can feel crushing.

I went through it. After several years I am now a solo mum, full time worker and carer for my two kids…

It is taking me a while to figure things out as I dont have any family either to call on for support!

Private message me if you like.

Hugs

S

[SunnyDance]

Dear All

If any comfort…I am a lone mum, divorced with a very difficult ex. The kids walked out of his house in fact. Now I am working full time, will sole care of the kids…and umm yes…life can be a bit challenging.

It makes you a stronger person.

I have no family here either and limited help from friends ..who are lovely, but dont really understand my situation.

Do reach out for chat .

Hugs

S

[SunnyDance]

Hiya. Forgot to mention. I am in Reading.

Hope everyone having a lovely Friday!

[SunnyDance]

Sorry meant to reply.. I am in Reading..Not quite near…But interestingly no Gingerbread Community near me either! Nearest is Abingdon!

[SunnyDance]

Hello There…

 

LOL there are probably a few us “special people” looking for other specials like ourselves!

Unreal.

PM me if you like. Lovely to  to meet you as well!

 

🙂 S

[SunnyDance]

I am sorry Mum, and Dads.

Please do read the link I sent you.

I have been through the SAME EXACT situations as you! It is uncanny how identical. I wasted thousands of pounds, time, effort, heartache..etc.

NOTHING WORKED AND NOTHING MATTERED TO THE LAW!

You need to understand this! Legal routes only good if you have millions of pounds at stake. Otherwise your only options are as follows:

1. Put together a few SIMPLE rules and send my written format

2. Work out what you will do when the co-parent breaks the rules

3. Work out if you can have an ultimatum in mind. As in if he keeps defying loads of times and it affects your work ( which is crucial for you), that you will take the kids back and apply to Social Services. And they he can fork out money to take kids to court to ask them to be with him. (he cant take you..) Keep all evidence, dates, times, situation for the social services.

4. Try not to waste your time and energy in finding a solution to the ex’s behaviour. There is  none. From what you all are saying, it is very likely they are narcissists ( with NPD disorder – there are LOADS of them about these days! – they go unspotted). There is NO solution, NO fixing anything, NO hope of collaboration. Please read my link above.

5. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. As a single lone parent, you are going to have to deal with a lot. Try to not make your ex one of them. Look after your health, wellbeing, work, home, and of course your kids when you have them. Radically accept that your NPD co-parent is NOT going to change and try close you mind to them. It gets easier over time.

 

I have been through ALL the above situations you all mention above. When I realised my Ex is an NPD, it all made sense. Not any easier, but at least I had an awareness and knew some of the strategies to deal with it.

PM me if  you wish.

Good luck. Chin up and stay strong. Listen to my link. It will help you.

Hugs. S

[SunnyDance]

Dear all.

I am so sorry to hear your plight! I do feel for you! I am divorced since two years and separated for 5.

Communication was super difficult even when we were divorced, let alone after the separation and divorce. He was a control freak and would not even talk to me when we were all living under the same roof prior to moving out…he used to leave me curt notes on his study desk…You get the picture.

I realised that I had to keep things simple. Numbered actions via text or email or note pad. No emotions or any long instructions.

Thousands of pounds were lost in trying to get a parenting agreement together. I was naive and I didnt realise that a parenting agreement is not legally binding. But it did help to streamline things. But he was controlling and inflexible. Such that when a work issue came up on my care day, I had to ask a friend when I knew he was available!

Anyway, taking a tip from a good friend, I started doing some research, as I did not feel that this was normal behaviour. After a lot of deep diving, I am now certain, short of a medical diagnosis, that my ex is a malignant narcissist. All the above behaviour including those you all mention are very typical of this personality disorder.

Conclusion? There is not much you can do about it. She/he will never change and will forever be a difficult, if not impossible co-parent. The only way  to survive is to establish your boundaries and stick to the rules. But most important, support and be present for your children. Show them value and teach them self awareness. In time they will learn to manage their narcissist parent all by themselves.

Please find some comfort in the research and discussions of Dr Ramani.

Self strength and mental clarity is paramount.

Hugs

SD

[Author]

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