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Yes, that makes sense about his grandma. But it sounds like there will be time for the whole situation to evolve quite a lot before you’ll need much of an explanation.

I think you’re right to be honest if he asks. Perhaps his grandma will have more of an explanation herself?

Would you be open to his dad having more contact if he wanted to in future?

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It took me more than 5 years to learn that my ex was a complete knobhead, too. So no judgement on you there, they can be slow to reveal themselves. Luckily his genes were alright and the kids are fabulous! I hope you have the same experience!

Think very carefully about whether you want the knobhead’s name on the birth certificate. Might be best avoided.

 

(Pardon my bad language. But seriously??)

 

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Sending hugs! It stinks. The family courts need massive reform in so many ways…

You mentioned prejudices, well, the misogyny of a particular judge. My lawyer told me that our case would have gone a totally different way had my ex not showed up in such a nice suit, but been scruffier. You’d think it wouldn’t depend on these things, but apparently it does!

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Just wondering, how old is your son?

 

Also, if there’s no involvement, do you need to explain anything at all? Will your son even be aware of his dad’s relationship with his other children?

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I really hope you have a better time than I did. My experience was dire: our CAFCASS officer ignored all the documentation I gave her about concerns over my ex’s behaviour, and had a friendly chat with my ex-MIL who muscled in on her interview with my ex! There was more in the section 7 report about how charming the ex-MIL was, than there was about domestic abuse concerns.

At the court hearing, my ex’s lawyer presented a pile of lies, my lawyer and I had a few minutes to respond, and that was that. It’s not like in a criminal court hearing where an effort is made to refer to evidence and establish the truth about anything. It’s just the applicant saying what they want, the respondent saying something, job done.

There are processes which are supposed to happen: but even these aren’t necessarily followed. You’re supposed to see the applicant’s statement in advance so you can answer it. Mine just didn’t submit it, so my lawyer was answering on issues we’d never even discussed because we had no idea they’d be raised.

We even had Cafcass revealing to my ex that he was due to be arrested as part of a criminal investigation! Information the police had requested to be confidential, but the family courts just handed it to him with no regard.

It’s a farce. No wonder they want to keep what goes on in there away from public scrutiny! Not for the benefit of any children, that’s for sure.

 

Sorry not to have anything more encouraging to say. I hope your experience is better than mine was. But expect the worst and you won’t be disappointed!

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I don’t think the courts would be likely to say the kid has to live 100% of the time in one house, I’m afraid. I just don’t think that’s normally what they would view as in the kids’ best interests.  I’m not an expert, though!

 

I think you would get the right to go abroad on holiday, if you just applied to the courts for that. Not likely to happen in time, though, if you already booked it?

 

What would happen if you report the passport is lost and apply for a passport renewal, sent to your address?

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It is so hard…

One thing I would say, though, is don’t always take your son at face value. At certain ages or stages, the kid may be attempting to play the parents off against each other to get e.g. more chocolate, or whatever they desire at that moment. Maybe dad wouldn’t actually give it to him, but he hopes that thinking so will persuade you. You have to be wise to the possibility, otherwise the kid can accidentally get trained into lying and manipulating people, without either parent realising.

Also, right now if he’s only 3, dealing with inconsistencies between the homes is just really hard. But it’s soon going to become more important that he understands /why/ you have certain rules or expectations, that way there is some hope he will carry them with him to the other home. They wil leave a chance to own and practice the values for themselves. Kids living in two homes need to learn this independence so much younger than kids living in one consistent home. So the road will be bumpier, but they can gain something, too.

Mine are older, but I still have similar challenges. I agree with what others have said, just be the best parent you can be, and your son will definitely appreciate it in the end.

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I asked for phone contact in my family’s CAO. Our youngest was 7 when that was imposed, though, so it is quite different.

The kids and I had never been apart for more than one night or so, back then, and as a couple, whenever one parent had been away, we had alway had daily video or phone calls. So the thought of not hearing anything from each other for a whole week was very distressing and wierd! My ex was not minded to facilitate ‘normal’ communication unless it was stated in the order.

Our order says the parent they are with had to ‘make them available’. I never made the kids call him, it’s up to each parent to take the initiative and reach out to the kids.

When I am the absent one calling, sometimes they want a really long chat, other times it’s just a 30 second ‘hello’. But I do call religiously, for my own peace of mind, and to show them consistent, stable behaviour as a parent, and in some sense let them know I’m there for them, even when I’m not ‘there’.

Now they have their own phones, so we also just text each other occasionally too. It gets easier as they get older!

In terms of your schedule, it should be possible for the court order to say something like ‘once a week at a mutually convenient time, to be agreed between the parents’.

If your kids don’t really want to speak to him, it doesn’t seem too much for you to encourage them to ‘just say hello’. It’s just like teaching them good manners when anyone who they’re not really keen to chat to at that precise moment phones up. It doesn’t have to be for very long if they’re not in the mood. Also if you establish the habit now, you may find in future it gives you some insight into their interactions, at some point down the line when you feel like you don’t really know what’s going on when they’re with him.

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Just wishing you good luck, really.

How do you expect the kids to react? Will they be more worried about the relationship, or their home, or the contact arrangements?

My ex and I never gave a carefully planned, united announcement to the kids. I expect the same is true for many families. That sounds very idealistic… From now on /everything/ you say to them will be “unsupported”. So you may as well just go ahead and own your message, and let him own his.

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Thanks for your replies.

 

Steve, I have read up on “the theory”, along the lines of what you described. It wasn’t reflected in practice for my family, and I’m not sure it really can be given the time/resource available. It’s my view that, sadly, Cafcass investigations are a much cruder and less intelligent instrument than our courts believe them to be.

 

Thanks for sharing your barrister’s advice, Jules. I was looking for a practical rule of thumb to follow, along the lines of “if you’re going to apply for changes in line with a kid’s wishes, wait until they are at least 13”.

 

It would still be great to hear other families’ direct experiences. I guess these things are meant to be kept private.

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