[PTs-Mum]

In response to the last part of your comment the answer is yes! Do not feel you are alone in those feelings and thoughts. They are my own too and definitely shared feelings and thoughts of many other parent’s. My teenager turns 20 next year. They can’t believe it and neither can I. Time flew in the blink of an eye really way to fast. They are my only child and I know when they leave home I will rarely see them because I rarely do now. Busy working/friends/other half/starting their own company/off out to various places rarely saying where so I have to ask and then I’m treated as if I’m being nosy rather than just trying to hold normal conversation and show interest. They are not always like that towards me. They are messy, clothes/wrappers/bottles/forks/spoons/plates/bowls/glasses/cups/a pigsty bedroom which I do insist they clean and to which they argue often and refuse, but overall our bond is intact. We ensure to play badminton together once or twice a month. That’s our time and we talk a lot then.  The mess drives me crackers but these days I try not to get on their case about it as it may cause them to pack up abruptly and leave which would be upsetting for us both ultimately. As a single parent I do often feel a failure/not good enough/not enough and as if my teenager views me that way because it just us two and my teenager’s friends mostly all have 2 parents and siblings so my teenager steers more towards those with 2 parent families and it really does make me feel a failure/worthless/not good enough. It hurts so much because always I’ve tried my best/my hardest and more, but ultimately for us both it has been lonely, extremely lonely and not as much fun as a bustling family unit. Difficult to hide that sadness felt at times even under a plastered on smile. Was never my choice to be a single parent and I know having just one parent has impacted my teenager and does impact our relationship. I often feel excluded from normal life/events because of being a single parent and so much gets missed. Nobody to share special memories and moments with, no family get togethers/aunts/uncles/brother/sister/mother/father in-law, no house alive and bustling, no visitors rarely. It was just us two. Now they are growing up and pulling away bit by bit.  Such heaviness in my heart. My love for my adult child is unbreakable, just not sure the same applies for their love towards me. Hard to tell with the gender they are. I do know they love me, but do wonder if enough to be bothered to make effort to see me at all when they do finally move on to their own place and will their partners parents be favoured and more visited because they probably will be two parents together not one alone like me. I try not to think about it, but it niggles away.

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