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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 33 total)
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  • #88412 Report

    Privatelady
    Participant

    I came out of a controlling relationship a year ago.

    My daughter is at the start of senco involvement in school, due to some adhd traits she has, although only at the begining of the process, but guess what we are still here and doing just fine, despite her dad who still does have pa not being around at all and ultimately vanished. We are thriving, though I still carry the hurt and emotions from 7 years of not being me and ultimately having my identity beaten out of me to the stage my whole existence day to day was numb.

     

    I recieved support post break up from my local domestic abuse service, the school can usually put you in touch with these services and will know where they are, etc..  They may be able to refer to shelters, etc. While you get on your feet again ultimately aiming for housing. The teams I spoke to where an amazing support and I should have taken more help but was too scared to. They don’t judge but may be good for you to know where to start.

    Women’s aid can put you in touch with local services too.

    It’s been a really tough year. Finances are not brilliant, but we get by and if and when you get out, if your anything like me and think things over stuff will keep coming up which makes you question the whole relationship.self doubts and all kinds but honestly you’ll come out a survivor.

    #88411 Report

    Privatelady
    Participant

    Jm up for it so long as it Fits around work shifts and my 6 year old 

    #66307 Report

    Privatelady
    Participant

    I think it’s time plans would ultimatly have to change around contact to allow for evolving life circumstance.

    Maybe negotiate, so try find something where you would be free a few evenings a week for pick ups and after school club the others so you can work. Ideally you would be able to find a job which allows for every school run but there few and far between.

    Think of the long term, you will have more money to support your son long term and financially being better off is being responsible and is better for the child. The contact plans may have to change to suit this as harsh as it sounds for you to work so you need to find a way with new hours to make it work.

    I do 30 hours a week, supplemented by universal credit (luckily I have parents to do school runs,on these days, otherwise it would be school clubs) but I can do some school runs still so half the week I am free in the evenings as normal. It’s got to be a give and take. If I didn’t work we would be a lot worse off and I’d struggle to provide.

    #66020 Report

    Privatelady
    Participant

    I’m on the wirral 😉

    #65768 Report

    Privatelady
    Participant

    It sounds like you need to set some very clear bounderies with your ex.

    The first thing to sort would have to be the maintenence. And stand tall. 25 a week for 3 children, he’s not showing up consistently to see?   Look at the child support calculator. Even on a minimum wage job he should be paying you 3 times as much as if he’s not coming it would be classed as less than 1 night a week.

    Stand firm. If he starts to become abusive put him on email only for contact to protect yourself from it and use the csa to sort it. The children need to come first. Don’t back down. Whether he’s abusive, manipulative or an absolute horror he has a responsibility at least to provide for his children financially (even though my ex has vanished I still get payments and if they stop he will be chased)

    Use email to organise contact of needs be.

    I’ve been through a similar situation myself and it’s sad but he’s now disappeared Completly. It started with cancelling chopping and changing, not coming. (but blaming me and still does I’m sure for why he hasn’t seen much of her, he could contact tomorrow and though I wouldn’t be happy, I wouldn’t be against contact, never have been but because of his vanishing I’d want contact arranged through the court now, it was never the case before)

    Keep all plan making official. Less phone calls, more written and to the point, about kids, any swipes at you Ignore, totally about children’s best interests. Otherwise it leaves skope for nastiness. And down the line you have the proof the plans have been in place should things change in the future that your not the one doing the messing around (or when my child’s an adult I have a file with everything printed in, I have tried my god dam best too, a lot of truth is hidden from her, just he’s not been in touch, right now)

    It’s hard. Always remember you can pull the breaks if needs be and you can see it’s emotionally damaging the children and tell him no more. As the children are living with you if they are becoming emotionally damaged that’s a different decision all together but only you will know when lines are crossed and its becoming too much.

    #64174 Report

    Privatelady
    Participant

    If your mum won’t allow you to go there, which I can see why due to close contact with positive cases being a risk factor especially if vulnerable anyway . (I’ve had covid twice despite vaccines so it does happen and though mild and barely noticible for me it’s been different times of year so presumably different strains and the omicron is apparenty dodging natural immunity from past infections so its one to be careful with)

    The kids won’t be allowed in the girlfriends legally either if son is isolating so it’s a bad situation all around which is going to take some very sensible talks between you and your ex about what’s best if you can’t take them safely this week. I had to have these chats myself and it’s hard, but sensible and ultimately it’s best to face it head on.

     

    #64172 Report

    Privatelady
    Participant

    I have done this twice with my little one. She’s 6 now. 5 during isolations.

    During the last isolation the rules where she didn’t have to isolate if she was tested and showed no symptoms so I got a family friend to take her for a walk. All outdoors, but she was negative anyway so by the rules they could have done anything. Have you got anyone to call on? Even just to the local swings.

    Kept her sane with arts and crafts, story making up sessions, let her make puppet shows out of things she had made with arts and crafts. Dead simple, pictures stuck onto sticks. Gave hours of fun if you have anything in.  Entertainment lasted for hours. Music, dancing, toys galore. Worry about the mess another time-I did.

    The frowned upon tablet time but it became our peace time.

    All depends on how well you are too. I’m down with a virus that’s not covid at the moment and feeling rougher than I did with it (tested lots) and being under the weather makes the little ones extra tiring and hard work.

    #64008 Report

    Privatelady
    Participant

    I’ve been worried about this too.

    It’s my first possible lockdown as a single parent so it’s different than the last 2 and will challange me differently.

    Im presuming the support bubble and childcare bubbles will be the same. So you can have a childcare bubble, one other household who can help out with childcare for work purposes so you can work. Preferably a family who cannot work through the lockdown.

    You can also have another family as a support bubble but only one and you must be the only household they mix with too. This can be different to your childcare bubble and they must not mix with another household as you will be classed as one household should anyone get sick.

    If you fall into keyworker status your children should be offered a school place if they close and can go to school and school will follow the positive contact cases guidence with your child that the government set as needed but with smaller numbers keeping them in class if you need to work. (I fell into this right through covid as did my husband but we juggled it and kept little one home, this time it’s more difficult as I’m in my own)

    That’s what’s happened with the last ones so you can judge from that but it depends what happens going forward with the new strain. At the moment we just don’t know.

    #63966 Report

    Privatelady
    Participant

    As someone who has worked supporting adults with disabilities for my whole working life, try and shift the focus away from what he hasn’t received.

    A child chose to spread kindness to your son and noticed him, in a world where people who struggle can go unnoticed by the many but not the few.   An adult wouldn’t have added the ps, note, but being discrete about what we notice is something we learn as we grow, and if he hadn’t written the ps, you would have probably just seen it as a card from a classmate.  Look at the positives, somebody noticed and tried to make your boy smile. Despite everything else, that’s the true Christmas spirit.

    #63920 Report

    Privatelady
    Participant

    I got free legal advice regarding my ex not so long ago.

    His in and out of my little girls life on his terms is becoming harmful, he is saying horrible things about a key figure in her life to her constantly when he does have her. Aswell as what he is saying about me so alienation against the people who are still her constistants and picks and chooses when he comes.

    It was also an abusive relationship. I havnt halted the contact yet but the solicitor said legally if I can stand up In court and honestly say it is causing my child harm (which we are bordering at present) parental rights or not as the resident parent with whom she lives with (even though legally we both have parental responsibility by law) I can deny him contact visits as it is in my hands to ensure she is safe from the emotional harm it can cause.

    He also said it would then by down to him to take me to court if he wanted to put in a proper contact plan rather than me as he would be the one wanting visitation.  

    It’s a difficult one as it’s the battle of the little one has the right to see him and I will fight for that, but finding the balance of when it is becoming harmful and them being able to proove why and really 100% trusting your judgement.  The feeling of love will carry children through there life but rejection can scar and wear them down for a lifetime so its a careful path to follow to do what’s right I’ve got a lot of proof, emails, notes in vertribrum when the little ones become upset, etc.. It’s a very fine balance.

    Keep any arrangements you make documented by email, phone calls minimal so you have a paper trail of any messing around. I’m in a similar situation right now and it’s so tough.

    #63548 Report

    Privatelady
    Participant

    Was there other things at play other than the incident where she hit you, out of anger, purposefully or a lash out?

    Had the relationship been bad for a while?

    Sometimes when we feel abused, which in your case assault, in what is such a delicate area to be hurt in, is violence, a one off our not, there’s no getting around it we become bonded to the person through the trauma of our experience, which causes conflicting feelings. You open this with hit accidently. You can’t hit accidently twice on different days.

    You need to know, you need to feel loved by them, you deserve better. It’s a complicated process.  The I didn’t do it on purpose and pursuasion mean that she doesn’t take much responsibility for her actions and is playing it down. Again you deserve better.

    #63547 Report

    Privatelady
    Participant

    If it helps I had a meeting with a solicitor last week.

    I work 30 hours a week so between full and part time and top up income through uc. I would not get legal aid at the moment based on the need for universal credit alone and it is really hard to get.

    But I’m not sure if it’s already been granted. I’d ask your solicitor who would be able to advise as its next to impossible to get if your working unless there’s evidence of domestic abuse violence as the reason legal aid was granted rather than income.they would be your best bet.

    #63094 Report

    Privatelady
    Participant

    Sometimes being so wrapped up in the rat race takes its toll and it makes it hard to remember what makes you, you.

    Children can be so much hard work and our days become so entwined in what’s happening in their days, dramas, what’s for tea, is it bedtime yet, is homework done battles we forget as parents thay we are ourselves and rightly so are humans with needs wants and wishes.

    You’ve spent the past ten years managing the fallout of a broken relationship, on your own and managing work, your kids and other commitments aswell for so long is a massive achievement. It wears us all down at times. But please look to others around you for support, the coffees and cake, the nights out when you can grab them (I’ve had one in 6 months and was home by ten but cherished every hour of freedom 😁)

    I struggle sometimes to find time for just me between housework, child, routines, my job, like taking over and need to follow my own advise more and find myself a hobby just for me  but I prioritise self care. It is key here. Little one settled. My time, do not disturb, unless I choose to phone you, candles, no jobs on the list that can’t wait.

    Watch for mood too and flags for anxiety, stress and depression as these can turn into feelings of fed up, exhaustion  and resentment too as a side note.

    #63093 Report

    Privatelady
    Participant

    I’ve been in touch with my local domestic abuse service.

    They’ve set me up an appointment for legal advice as a first step next week and have given me info on maybe starting there recovery programme and ways to access mentors to help me get through.

    For my own mental health I’ve had a therapy assessment via the mental health services.

    Onwards and upwards. My child will always be the centre but there’s a few things which need fixing in the background to help things move forward out of the mess.

    Ive got pretty much everything documented (even down to calls, I’ve followed up with written communication to confirm what the conxext of what was said was, as truley I’ve been doing the Bury your head and deal with the day but known it would end up this way long before now)

     

    Thanks everyone for there support. Onwards and upwards

    #62948 Report

    Privatelady
    Participant

    He’s supposed to come once a week of a weekend picking her up in the morning either day for the day and bring her back after tea.

    He’s been offered when he is on a certain shift pattern he can pick her up for tea. He’s never arranged it. His other shift patterns don’t allow for any flex.

    He also gets given school holiday dates if he wants any more time or special days. Up to now and we’ve had quite a few go by he has hasn’t helped with the holidays or taken the chance for extra time.

    At the moment he can’t have her overnight due to his living circumstance not being suitable for a child of her age to spend long periods of time and nowhere for her.

    It’s difficult. It’s my fault he’s got no time to see her, I’m limiting him, stopping him from seeing her. But I’m used to being blamed now. He’s missed 3 out of the last 8 weeks contact through his choice and his own plans.

     

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 33 total)