[Peachy]

Hello,

Firstly I’d like to say I’m really sorry that you have been through that and are still going through it.

I had a similar situation with my ex doing coke after we split. He would have our son Saturday evening until Sunday morning most weeks but not every week, for about 2 months this lasted. I received a phone call from the girl he was shagging at the time and she told me he was heavily addicted to coke. This was a massive shock to me because I had no idea he was doing drugs (he never did drugs when we were together).

He denied it all but the girl sent me screenshots, so I believed her. I tried to speak with his family and express my concerns for his mental welfare but I got no support and they blamed the other woman.

So I refused my ex to have contact with our son unless he could pass a drug test each time he came to pick our son up and he had to do the picking up because I was testing him on the spot. He also had to stay at his mums house for child care support.

He threatened the courts to try to scare me but I had already spoken to a solicitor to understand my rights. I was well within my rights to ask for drug testing because I had evidence of drug taking and I wa s paying for the drug test. All he had to do was provide urine. You can buy drug test kits on amazon and they can cover a range of drugs.

2 months I didn’t hear from him and it was rocky when he did come back into our lives. I stood firm with my decision and he did end up taking at least 8 tests and passed each time. So my advice to you would be stand your ground, this is your child and you know her well enough to know what is best for her. You can’t please everyone and some people will disagree with you but it’s your child’s safety that’s important.

🙂

 

[Peachy]

Hello,

 

 

I rented for the first time when my son was 1yr old. I had no rental history and I was on a part time wage.my monthly wage would just about cover the monthly rent.

I wasn’t eligible for my rent to be paid via benefits because I had too much savings.

The only way the agencies took me seriously, was by using my parents as guarantors. Both are retired but own the house. The agencies never asked for proof but I’m sure a signature was needed.

I did have to put down a 3 month deposit but I was happy to do that because I knew I’d look after the place and get it back.

I had my ingoings and outgoings plan, so I knew I could afford a certain rental and be able to pay all of my bills and still have a little something left over. The agencies thought I’d burn through my savings to pay for rent but 4 yrs on, I haven’t touched my savings and I’ve actually saved and added to my savings.

So my advice to you, would be to believe in yourself and have a plan In place

Some agencies were more helpful than others and some landlords are better than others. I got turned down once because the landlord didn’t like my wage amount and I was also turned down by another landlord because I had a child.

Good luck with it all 😊

[Peachy]

Hello,

 

I have an almost 5yr son and I broke up with his dad when my son was 6months old.

My ex suffers with alcoholism and depression. Over the years we’ve gone through the “structured” period where my ex sees his son every sat evening until the Sunday with his family (gives me peace of mind that he has support, I also breathalysed him).

We have also gone through the “unstable” period of time, which was where my ex would cancel at least 2 weekends a month. This has been  emotionally hard on my son coz he gets cancelled the night before or the day of.

 

I’ve did a number of things. 1) I stopped telling my son when he was going to see his dad. That meant he never got let down. 2) I told his dad he no longer has the privilege to have the sat/Sunday slot, so he is now a babysitter and he comes to me when he wants to see our son. I don’t chase him coz that’s not my job. 3) I’ve always told my son the truth. My greatest fear was my son feeling unloved or rejected by his dad. So I made it clear that his dad suffers from depression. Due to my sons age I’ve used words/phrases such as daddy is sad today, daddy is too sad to get out of bed, leave the house etc. There are many books for children of all ages about depression and addictions, this is to educate and help support our children. 4) I have open communication about emotions and feelings with my son. We both are able to tell eachother how we feel eg, mummy’s a bit grumpy today coz I’m tired, so I might need some time out at some point today. I feel by being open to them, helps them feel comfortable and confident to confide in us.

 

I’m a believer or educating our children and not shielding them from negative things.

Sorry about the long message, I feel very passionately about children feeling rejected by a parent and how damaging that can be. And, how hard it is as a single parent trying to juggle your own emotions with the ex towards your child. So I hope in my rumblings, there’s been something you were able to take home

😊

[Peachy]

Hello newmum84,

 

I have recently had a similar situation.

3 yrs ago I contacted the cms because my ex refused to pay any maintenance. It took me 18months to pluck up the courage. Fast forward 3yrs and in march this Yr, I contacted the cms to move from direct pay to collect and pay. It took 5weeks for the cms to decide to accept the changes I wanted. During that time they sent me a letter and updated my account online. I phoned them and asked them if they had spoken to my ex, they said yes.

My ex has only just realised the changes have happened. I would have assumed the cms would have phoned my ex and asked why he isn’t paying monthly before deciding to change to the collect and pay. I’m not complaining because I now do not have the stress of chasing my ex for payments and asking for the full amount.

I was constantly worried during the 5weeks if my ex was going to say something to get out of paying.

Hopefully you’ll have your answer soon and your ex won’t kick off.

I find it so strange that some guys have a massive problem paying maintenance, when the full time parent is constantly paying for their child and is happy to.

Hope this helps x

[Peachy]

Hello,

 

Do you know why he was absent for as long as he was?

I don’t think you can put a time frame on this because you need your daughter to feel comfortable before setting time frames and limits. The father will need to understand this.

 

I have a son who’s almost 5 and his dad is inconsistent and cancels visits often. He suffers with his mental health and this is why he cancels his son often. I have brought my son up to understand his dad’s mental health (using 5yr old language) and I have found this helps with his behaviour when his dad let’s him down.

We went through a time of his dad going Mia for 2 months and when he came back and wanted to see our son, I took it right back to basics. My ex had to be patient and build up his bond and time with our child before over night stays were able to happen.

I think keep doing as you are doing and helping them to build a relationship and bond of trust and in time over night stays will happen.

I’ve always said, you get out what you put in and your ex was absent for 6 years, that damage doesn’t heal overnight.

 

Good luck with it all x

[Peachy]

Hello,

I completely understand how you are feeling with regards to feeling drained having to be fighting for maintenance.

I split from my ex over 4yrs ago when my son was 6 months old. My ex didn’t give me any maintenance as he felt child benefit paid enough for his child. After 18months I gave him an ultimatum about paying maintenance or I’ll go through cms. He tried to call my bluff but I did go through cms and it scared him enough to start paying. But he choose the amount to pay me and he choose to pay me every 4 months, as it worked out better for him. For 3yrs I’ve had to chase money from him every 4 months until 4weeks ago when I had had enough. I gave him another ultimatum and I asked for the full amount of maintenance and I asked for it to be paid monthly. He ignored me and wouldn’t communicate about it, so I have requested the cms do a collect and pay.

I feel drained and I hate conflict and I know my ex will kick off once he hears from the cms about the change in payment plan. But, I cannot keep asking my ex to pay for his child, I can’t get my head around parents who think they don’t need to pay for their child.

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