[Newmum84]

Hi Rachele14. Good for you and how exciting! My son is 2 (and a half) and although I did not go through an IVF process, I have raised my son alone (not by choice originally I’ll add) but never the less I have lots of tips on being a solo parent so please feel free to message me at any time. Xxx

[Newmum84]

Hi Penny, I’m so sorry to hear of your situation which I can relate to. It’s an extremely difficult situation to go through but you WILL get through it I promise. My son is 2 and a half now and his dad has not seen him in nearly two years (pretty much left us when son was 3 weeks old). His dad had been flakey before and after the birth and narcissistic at times.  In regards to the birth certificate, my gut feeling at the time was to put his name on the cert so it would make it easier to claim child support, which deep down I thought would be needed in the end (and at the time I was also genuinely happy for him to be on the the cert). I felt that there was no way I was going to let him leave us emotionally and also financially. . .  if it came down to it. As I had anticipated, he didn’t stick to our agreement of him paying me £200 a month and I went through CMS last April as a last resort. I gave him so many chances to step up.

Have I received any payments? Yes, and it’s helped me greatly. And I feel ok about his name being on the cert should his dad want to appear (consistently) and be part of my son’s life.

Eveybody’s situation/partner/ex is different and you must go with your gut feeling on things. It’s hard to judge how you feel sometimes I know but there will be a part of you deep down that has the answer. I, like you, felt that the least my ex could do was to help pay towards HIS son. It was the hardest thing having to go through CMS knowing his dad would rage at me and completely cut us off. . . . but he was barely there for us anyway so I had nothing to lose. I’ve never stopped him seeing his son either, he’s just in a paddy because he has to pay up.  I’m quite happy being a mum and having some support from his dad financially, even though this was not what I wanted. I wanted his dad in his life emotionally more than anything. Feel free to message me. Otherwise, I wish you all the best, I hope you have other support around you? Xxx

[Newmum84]

Hello

Yes I have had similar. So last year I received a one off payment from CMS which I was surprised to receive. Since then CMS have needed his address, which for the same reasons as you describe, cannot be obtained. CMS have written to me to explain they have tried to enforce bayliff action which has ‘not been successful’. They have also said that they will let me know soon what the next course of action will be, so they haven’t closed the case which is a good thing I suppose? I’m sure they have the power to take his driving licence away or threaten prison or something. So maybe that’s the next step? My ex currently owes almost £4000. I hope they hound him! Did CMS enforce the bayliffs atall?

[Newmum84]

Thank you everybody. So hard to get my head around it all but I’m gradually accepting the situation all be it painful. Breaks my heart though. Scary to see what the future may bring too.

[Newmum84]

Hi Mermaid Mummy

I’m in a similar situation. I found that talking about how I felt to friends and family really helped me, but only close ones. I found it’s better to have a few people to confide in – people you really trust.

I also found that letting my emotions out helped, I would feel sad and drained at first, then a lot better afterwards (this became and still is a bit of a cycle for me!) Better out than in for sure. All part of the healing process.

Another tip – listen to your body. If you feel like you need to rest, rest. Look after yourself as much as you possibly can although it can feel impossible sometimes I’m sure! Little bits of care here and there really helped me.

Everyone says it but time really is a healer! Take one day at a time. Overall I believe a balance of rest and keeping busy will get you there, I promise 🙂 I wish you all the best with your future, it is a bright one although you may not feel like it is right now xxx

 

 

[Newmum84]

Thank you so much for recommending PANDA to me which I had not heard of before xxx

[Newmum84]

Hi Kelly. I’m from Devon and I have a 20 months old son who I also raise alone and his father also currently has no involvement which I struggle with. I’m finally starting to really accept my reality of being a solo parent. I have moments of feeling trapped and alone. I joined this site over a year ago and I find it really helpful. Always here to chat if need be xxx

[Newmum84]

Hello. You don’t sound selfish atall and I can relate. My sons dad does not see our son atall. I envy those who are able to co parent. I have maybe a couple of evenings a month to myself thanks to my parents helping out. I’ve recently begun to enjoy one overnight stay somewhere every few months. The reality of my situation has also hit me. It feels extremely lonely at times. I feel I’ll have to put dating on the back burner for a long time. You aren’t on your own with how you feel. Xx

[Newmum84]

Hello! You are not in the wrong in my opinion. I would feel exactly the same as you. Like you say you are not saying no, showing you are happy for him to be in her life.  Xxx

[Newmum84]

Tammy9, I was really surprised when CMS were able to calculate a payment plan and then potentially enforce the arrears payment . I changed from direct pay to collect & pay. I have a feeling my ex will now try and cheat the system although I’m hoping it’s too late for him to do that as CMS can track where his money goes. I had to keep calling CMS for updates which is annoying.

[Newmum84]

Tammy9, I applied for CM last April and after getting a not very nice phone call from my baby’s father last month, it appears he has a few weeks to appeal the arrears, otherwise they will take the arrears money from his account automatically. I don’t know if he has appealed the arrears but either way, I’m yet to receive a payment.

[Newmum84]

Hello Moreni

Im so sorry you are going through this. I too had a similar experience accept I wanted to keep my baby. And my ex didn’t. He was very up and down throughout my pregnancy (ghosted me, cheated on me) and I became a single mum when my son was two weeks old. My son is 18 months now and I still can’t get my head around my exes behaviour. I feel like I’m dreaming some days. Like I can’t believe he’s treated me so poorly.

To dump you over text in this situation is cowardly. He also sounds manipulative. I’ve learnt that most men like to be in control, and right now, he isn’t. Which I think has made him react like this too.

It’s times like these we see people for who they really are. I felt embarrassed too with my ex’s behaviour. It’s overwhelmingly sad to think someone can be so cruel at such a time of need.

It sounds like you are sure you want to abort, so moving forward try to spend time with friends and family and possibly seek some counselling. Right now you will be in shock and you have every right to feel so low. Your hormones will be all over the place too. Your ex has shown you who he is and I know it’s devastating, really devastating but you need to do what’s best for you here. I’m sorry I wish I could advise more.  Xxx

[Newmum84]

Thank you for your responses 🙂 time is a healer. Just some days I feel that I’m back to square one or I just can’t shake off how nasty he has been towards me. Just find it all so sad and unnecessary.

[Newmum84]

You are 100% not alone xxx

[Newmum84]

Hello. I’m so sorry to hear you are in this situation. I can relate. My babies father is now a stranger to me after he did the same to me and my son when he was first born (now 17 months) – although we were not together for as long as you were with your partner. We do not co-parent. He acts like we do not exist. Very sad and hard to accept.

You will feel so many emotions. It’s challenging raising a baby as a couple let alone raising a baby single so it’s only natural that you feel frightened as well as anxious, lonely and angry. Are you going to co-parent? Has he been open to discuss this? It’s great that you have such supportive friends. Would you feel confident for any of your friends to sit your son atall? So that you don’t have to rely on your ex as he will likely not seem reliable anymore.

I am currently living opposite my parents house but hoping to move in a few years time (we live in the middle of no where!). I work 2 x days a week and receive payments from Universal Credit which includes help with childcare costs (85% is covered) and other costs. Once I move I will also receive payments from UC to help with my rent. I currently do not receive help with rent as my landlord is a family member. I believe that single parents who own a home will receive financial help towards their mortgage payments. Hopefully this info helps you in some way.

You are going through the toughest part right now, it will get better I promise. Xxx

 

 

[Author]

Posts