[Ishtar]

First I am sorry you are in this situation. I am single and have been since my kids dad and I split as I know I need to do a lot of work to fix my picker .

I would accept the fact that you are likely doing this alone but leave the door open for the dad to be involved if he wishes to. Maybe open a separate email address where you can let him know about scans etc and have proof you’ve informed him ( if he later says you didn’t). I would however not recommended considering him as a partner for you. He has proved he has no boundaries and is happy to be unfaithful. Not what you need or deserve.

If he wishes to be a dad great. If not you and your kids will do fine. But make sure you set the boundaries on him being a dad – contact with the kid arranged in advance and not last minute, no frequent swapping dates as something came up. He is not your friend and while it is possible a part of him does wish to be a family man most of him wants to chase strange and meet up for hook ups. He has shown you what he is – believe him.

Good luck.

 

[Ishtar]

When is your son 18? Maintenance payments are only until 18th birthday ( unless in full time education – and attending).

I really feel for you in this situation but I think all you can do is detach with love, keeping the door open and hopefully your son will contact you later. I suspect dad’s house has fewer rules and he can do not a lot and play computer games etc. Also sadly sometimes children both inherit personality traits we wish they hadn’t . There is also unfortunately a view in parts of society that if there is to be a bully and a victim in a situation it is better to side with the bully as victims are weak and useless.

Plus we would all love the good things in life without having to work!.

Put your income and situation into the government maintenance calculator.

Your options then are

1 Set up a standing order to transfer what it says to your ex until your son’s 18th birthday. Tell your son what you are doing and let him speak to his dad for money.

2 You could deduct the amount he owes you from that figure and tell your ex that you will start paying once his debt is paid off!

Regards to CMS while it is possible he will go through there and you will have your pay garnered, often it is a slow process. I would be tempted to let him do it given your history. It would remove the controlling aspect of the relationship and while it may cost extra if they do do it it gives you distance from him.

 

Good luck and I feel for you.

[Ishtar]

The government has a maintenance calculator online you put in all your details ( is anonymous so don’t worry) and it says what maintenance should be. It isn’t realistic to pay half bills mortgage and maintenance and your own place and bills. Maint is supposed to cover everything ( as the receiving parent it does nothing of the sort so help with eg school uniform trips etc good). Nice you’re trying to be fair but you need to eat and have a bed too.

[Ishtar]

Pretty sure you can’t change without his permission until they are 16 and they can choose.

My older 3 have on their birth certificate their dad’s surname. (The youngest was born after we split and has mine. )  However they are known by a double – barreled name or just mine. They have mine as a middle name.

So legally the info I found was that you can’t change it but most places eg schools, nursery , health service, are open to using ” known as ” names.

 

[Ishtar]

Hi,

Have you checked on your gateway account to see what it says? I know mine says I have done my form and submitted it and can redo until the end of July. It also says not to expect a decision until end of November. So you won’t get a final decision letter for several months yet.

So long as your income information is accurate you shouldn’t have a problem with overpayments. However if you are very worried they are underestimating it  you can manually enter your income on line and if you’ve overestimated it you will get a lump sum start of next year.

Good luck

[Ishtar]

Hi,

My kids speak to their dad on video call twice a week.

I think you need to accept that it is likely your relationship is over and move on. If he had an affair and is going off radar for events in his life he is living a life without you. It is hard to accept but better for you.

Could you try a shared calendar? He puts in his shift pattern? And if your daughter has a phone he can call when you are out. Or say your kids will call him ( that’s what we do as I found it too hard waiting for the phone to ring ).

I work to keep things civil but the person I was in love with is no more. I deal with a stranger who is my kids father.

Good luck.

[Ishtar]

Hi, I am sorry things are so bleak for you just now.

With regards to your ex you need to respect her wishes. She has made clear her feelings and that isn’t something you can change as such. Being the best father to your child you can, and treating her with respect may show her how great you are but that shouldn’t be why you do it.

With regards to your child what contact arrangements do you have in place? You say she’ll be raised by someone else but if you have reasonable contact, she’ll be raised by you too.

I have had to learn that what my ex does when my kids are there is between them and so long as they are safe I have no say. In many ways , despite her being involved in the ending of my relationship, I am grateful to his new wife as I hope she will help keep him stable and reduce the risk his drinking has of adversely affecting the kids.

So sending you a hug and remember, your daughter needs her dad.

 

[Ishtar]

I would say being friends is not achievable. Are you friends with people who have lied to you? I know I am not .

However you can be civil to each other. But the friendship and relationship you had ……

I remember my ex coming for dinner not long after we split up before the kids weekend with him..I was determined despite his infidelity to try for the kids. It was excruciating..

We now are civil and friendly but not friends..I don’t rely on him for anything or speak to him about any problems etc. So he is not my friend. Rather he is an old acquaintance – someone I used to know.

May be worth looking at the chump lady blog. There’s lots of stuff about grey rocking .

[Ishtar]

Speak to the council. What he is doing is bullying behaviour and coercion. The council can let you know where you stand.

Good luck

[Ishtar]

Could you speak to your ex and plan a visit but not tell your son? That way if your ex shows up it’s a great surprise. If not , your son isn’t disappointed.

You could even say to your ex he has one day every 2 months or something. While it isn’t much it may be that he will be more inclined to do it if it is infrequent and planned well in advance.

I don’t think I could do it not telling myself but I know it works for some.

Another idea is a zoom call rather than in person. It takes less time for your ex but still maintains that contact.

If you are looking at the time as being for you for self care I would advise looking at another way to get it. My youngest is 3 and goes to childminder for a few hours I am not at work ( free childcare) to let me care for my ( I have 4 kids 11,11, 7 and 3. Their dad lives 250 miles away and the older ones see him every couple of months for a weekend).

I also wonder what you say to your son when he says about daddy? How do you respond? I’m probably going to get shot down for this but may be worth saying something to your son about how daddy has some good qualities but unfortunately he finds it difficult being a daddy. Reinforce that it is not your son’s fault –  that it is not as he isn’t lovable or anything – but that it is daddy’s choice. I am not a fan of hiding things from kids or covering for the other parent’s bad choices. ( My ex is an alcoholic)..This is not bad mouthing your ex but tell the truth.

It is hard but I absolutely support your son not being continually disappointed…

 

 

[Ishtar]

Hi, you should get information on your online portal regarding it but I assume you have moved from tax credits to universal credit. 

A few things could have happened.

If you voluntarily leave a job you can get sanctioned.

If they think there have been any overpayments from tax credits they will deduct that.

If you are still on tax credits not universal credit it will be only child tax credits you will get as you aren’t working 16 hours a week so aren’t eligible for working tax credits.

I’d look at your on line portal if universal credit and  see what they say. If tax credits check if you are better off on universal credit but if you change you can’t go back.

Good luck with getting a new job ( if you are on universal credit there is much more pressure to get a job with full time hours depending on the age of your child)

[Ishtar]

Hi, my oldest two are diagnosed autistic and it is likely at least one if not both of the younger ones are too.

I also think it is highly likely my ex is autistic tho he wouldn’t speak to the go or anything regarding it.

Like you I find it sometimes very triggering to see behaviour of my ex in my children ( they only see their dad for a weekend every couple of months and we split up nearly 6 years ago so unlikely to be learned behaviour

Not sure what you mean about ” you having no spectrum issues”. I have some idiosyncrasies which could be high functioning ASD but could equally be just my personality and response to life ( which are different to ex’s and kids).

I think having children with ASD puts more pressure on a relationship.

I don’t think we split up because of the kids ASD, or my ex’s pos autism. He is an alcoholic and when I tried to limit his drinking and make him be a grown up , he decided to leave for pastures new and an affair partner who he could party with.

Good riddance I say. Kids and I are better off without him tho it is hard sometimes ( tho not as hard as when I was supposed to be in a relationship. At least now I know I am a single parent and sole carer. Him leaving didn’t change anything as I did it all before anyway).

I concentrate on dealing with my kids, accepting their quirks and explaining to them.when their behaviour triggers me that it is my problem not theirs.

Hope things improve for you. 🤗

[Ishtar]

Hi,

You do have your own solicitors, don’t you. If not get one now.

Generally things are amicable so long as you do and say what they want. If you want anything different then suddenly it’s not so amicable.

I worked very hard for my kids to keep things civil despite infidelity on his part but we weren’t married so less legal stuff.

Please don’t assume he has your best interests at heart as it doesn’t sound like it.

I don’t know if infidelity was involved but even if not there are some good bits of advice on what to do on an American site called chump lady. Basically get a lawyer and don’t assume the nice guy you married is still there. If you really do t want a lawyer make sure you have information on all financials eg property and especially pensions as you are entitled to half. And not sure why the kids are having to move out of their home.

Good luck and you will get there. Just stop thinking of him as your friend..he doesn’t have to be your enemy but don’t think he cares about what happens at all to you or unfortunately sometimes even your kids.

Good luck.

 

 

 

[Ishtar]

Hi,

It is so difficult with tweenagers. I have twins who are 12 in a couple of months.

You don’t say what childcare arrangements you have – are they 50/50 or 1 night a week at yours or less?

Whatever I would try and speak to your daughter directly. May be worth not showing her the picture straight off let her speak and see what she says.

I would try though and reinforce that you are worried about her. It may be worth getting ready to share with her some of the info on vaping and the fact that it is quite likely that it will prove to be as big a scandal as smoking was in 20 years with all the chemicals. And reinforce that we don’t know if it is safe.

You also need to think about the friend she is with when she is vaping.  Is this her best friend?  What is her situation? Are her family ok with her vaping too?

Bottom line you will probably need to be the baddie in this. It doesn’t sound like your wife is very disciplined with your daughter.  So you need to either discipline her in your parenting time , speaking to your daughter and showing your wife the proof, or accept the fact your daughter is vaping etc.

I tell my kids I am their Mum – I am not their best friend. I love them to bits and support them as much as I can but I am not there to be popular all the time ( or ever some days it feels like). But it can be tough.

Good luck.

[Ishtar]

I think you feel guilty whatever you do and as a single parent there’s noone else to share that , or any other load.

I’ve just started swimming lessons with mine as my youngest is over 3 and has some free childcare. If you are on low income you can get a reduction in price on lessons at some swimming pools. It was a long time waiting to get the lessons ( both waiting list and for me to actually put them on the list) but they are enjoying.

The getting time to go can be difficult with work but if you look at what days you can do and look for something then.

I’m sure you do loads of stuff. I feel bad at the moment as I had surgery a few weeks ago so it’s all I can do to keep on with the usual food, washing, dishes etc and weather been miserable so extra things haven’t been happening.

So you’re not alone in single mum guilt. 🤗

[Author]

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