[GingerbreadMan]

You say you had to flee – is he a danger to the kids or is there a contact arrangement?

It is so sad and disappointing when I read such stories as yours. Non-resident parents have an obligation to their kids regardless of the reasons for the separation.

I work freelance but have always paid my ex more than the CSA/CMS calculations state, and always between us without resorting to the CSA/CMS (despite divorce being very acrimonious), but I get that some non-resident parents don’t.

The way the CMS works is that they go on tax returns. Never on assets (eg he could have £millions in the bank, but earn minimum wage and they would go on the latter). One benefit of the tax return though is that while he may pay myself a low salary of say £1,000 a month (because salary is tax-inefficient), but dividends totalling £30,000 a year (or £2,500 a month), they both appear on his tax return, which also includes BiK (Benefits in Kind) such as capital company expenditure used personally (eg car).

You say you were together for 16 years so you are better placed to know if his company had peaks and troughs; some lean months and some fat months, but as a minimum, the CMS should be demanding to see his (personal) tax return each year.

Best of luck!

 

 

[GingerbreadMan]

Please publish the CMS letter here (with personally-identifying details redacted). I think it would help many a father in a similar position.

Glad your issue got resolved in the end..

[GingerbreadMan]

For what it’s worth, it is always better to negotiate directly with mum. My ex-wife is a certified narcissist and has permanently damaged the children and their relationship with their father because (as is often the case) SHE’S angry at being divorced.

The CMS is a very blunt instrument, but there is redress. You can demand a ‘mandatory reconsideration’ (usually within a month) if you feel they’re wrong. If you’re still unhappy, you can demand an independent tribunal. The CMS *have* to show just cause why they consider your grounds for a challenge to be baseless.

Stay strong. The children are worth it. You’re out of a relationship with what looks like a toxic partner. Be grateful for that 🙂

[GingerbreadMan]

It is so sad when a parent behaves in this way. The child’s well-being requires too caring parents, even if they’re separated.

If your ex has to be coaxed by his mother (you don’t say how old he is / if he works), then that’s a pretty bad sign, and the contact periods he’s requesting seem more to do with avoiding a “status quo” (the strange legal view that is best, where possible, to maintain an established status quo for the sake of the child and the stability thereof).

If you don’t think he can look after a small baby overnight, your priority is to the baby. Always. Suggest you try daytime only contact for now and review progress. As a father, I am astonished when another father seems to care so little. He will mature (hopefully). Be kind. Be moral, never weaponise the baby.

Delinquent / unreliable parents are always on a weaker footing, legally and morally. You seem to be doing all the right things.

[GingerbreadMan]

It is very hard for the “non-resident” parent to adjust to not seeing his/her children every day. Brutally hard, in fact.

There are of course practical realities. Many couple have set days on which the non-resident parent calls the children. And contact inside your home (irrespective of whether it used to be the Former Matrimonial Home) is definitely your choice. If he lives close by he can take them to his property or take them out for the evening.

If you feel like you’re being told off, you absolutely need that to stop. Explain in writing if it’s easier how you feel he comes across. If that fails, make it clear there will be less communication as a result.

[GingerbreadMan]

As Mary1 says, the gov.uk website havea  good calculator to help you. It factors in the number of children, your gross income, whether you have other children to support and how many nights they’re with the “resident” parent. In your case it comes to approx 10% (not counting additional expenses; eg school fees etc)

 

[GingerbreadMan]

Possibly the first step is to avoid essentialising this into “her issues” and “her unwillingness”. Give her space in the immediate term.

Offer to pay for counselling and offer to attend at a time convenient for her (even if it’s further into the future than you’d like). Professional do far more than listen to our problems. They are skilled in facilitating communication which is what you most need. One session might lead to a second. Even if it doesn’t, woul will have tried.

“If the prize is big enough, the price doesn’t matter”

Best of luck.

 

[GingerbreadMan]

First of all I am sorry this is happening to you.

When something is out of the blue, we feel blind-sided and it shakes our confidence and perception.

Are you able to have a calm conversation with your wife, even via email/chat? If she would consider counselling, even with the proviso that she can still separate if that’s what she concludes?

Do not despair. Take care of yourself so you can continue to be a good father to your children.

[GingerbreadMan]

How much contact do you currently have / are asking for?

Mediation is the first step. Failing that, you can apply to Court (you can represent yourself).

I used to be so stressed and over-anxious about filling our contact time together with activities. The reality is your girls mostly want to be with you.

[GingerbreadMan]

I completely empathise with your situation, OP. My marriage was shorter, but her NPD / cooercive behaviour I experienced was the same; accusations of infidelity (I never so much as looked at another woman), distancing me from my family, undermining my relationship with my infant children. I also left to save myself and her rage at being divorced has lead to upward of ten years of venegefullness. It has definitely damaged my relationship with my children.

I spent tens of thousands in legal fees (financial resolution & contact arrangements). Don’t go there.

Agree with Steve about mediation and Court Order. Anyway judges insist that you engage MIAMS (unless you can show she has refused). Once a Contact Order is in place, if she breaches it too often, Court *will* step in, and even revert Residency.

Regarding maintenance, I see it as my children’s right; it’s money I would have spent on them had we still been a family unit. Change the framing of how you view and it will change the way you feel about it viscerally.

[Author]

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