[GoldenFish]

Hi,

Practice self-compassion, tell yourself what you would tell a friend going through this. There is a host of reasons why you could not see it coming. Nothing shameful in that. The actions of your husband have dragged you into this and sadly we have to work with ourselves through the pain to come out at the other end. You are enough. Let go of him. If he is a decent man, he will assume the responsabilities that remain to provide for the family.  I know it is devastating but remeber your identity extends outside of this relarionship. Wishing you well, Take care.

[GoldenFish]

Would suggest as well to try to work om your relationship together, if you want this relationship. Of the only reason for wanting it is the financial stability, then start worming on a plan to strenghten your financial position and separate in the near future but I feel you are emotionally drained perhaps and need to work out though your emotions before making a decision to leave.

[GoldenFish]

I am so sorry you have to go through this. It is unclrar how he feels. He might need time to get himself together. He may not tell you all there is abd he may actually have someone but still want to see the children whenever he wants. Focus on what you and the children need to fel better. This is really inportant because if you try to undersant his actions or what the future might be, your thiughs will slin out of control and you will find yourseld overwhelmed with emotions. Him coming and goung as he wishes is an absolute no. You are not pushing him away. You are protecring yourself. You have control over when he can come so set a date and time and nothing outside what you have agreed. Everytime you see him now will se you back. Make the rules. Give him few months. The tyrmoil steams from the uncertai ties. If it is over and you know it with certinty, it will be painfull but you will be able to move fwd one day at a time.

[GoldenFish]

Hi,

The most important piece of advice that I could share reading your post is to have some sort of professional know of the behaviours you find abusive and controlling. A marriage councellor would be a good start and can work with you both on the communication part. It is very hard if not impossible for an individual to change his controlling behaviour because they do not see it the same way. It doesn’t improve with age. Undoubtely, it is also difficult to separate and raise children alone. With an abusive individual, you may not get any help of any kind, including financial. It is your personal circumstances and extent of abuse that will determine the timing to separate and yes, you do need to consider carefully what would be worst.

 

[GoldenFish]

Hi Lonelyjane,

This is intimidation. Your partner is free to move out and you can sort out the tenancy for yourself and your son. Why does he need to threaten he will terminate it for both of you? Is that because he actually doesn’t intend to move out? If you are joint tenants you have equal rights and any actions or liabilities in regards to the property would be joint as well. Read your lease agreement and conditions to terminate the tenancy. You can also call any solicitor who offers free intial advice (there are many) and ask this question about separating from a civil partner. Let him go. This comment alone is a red flag for abusive behaviour. If this continues or escalates, please protect yourself and your child. The housing worry is diverting your attention.

[GoldenFish]

Hi Sosoyu,

I can understand where you’re coming from but I doubt there are benefits that can compensate for loss of income due to elective part-time work. There is another benefits calculator called entitledto. Money is important but health is even more so. It is just that loss of money and financial worries also have a negative impact on health. I wish I could have an answer for you. Maybe there is a benefit that could help and if it is not then it is something to put forward.

[GoldenFish]

I just had another thoght. There is nothing preventing him from making a payment for his child, should he want to. It is testing your trust in him  again by asning to drop the CMS?

[GoldenFish]

I agree with the previous post. You haven’t got much to loose with that ridiculously low payment. Might be bettet off trying to agree. CMS will still be there if it doesn’t work out. Maybe try to switch to direft debit first! With a man you need to go collect and pay there’s a slim chance will volunyarily pay and hard to think they change but worth a try.

[GoldenFish]

Hello everyone,

I am so sadened to hear from the many of you struggling to get money for the living costs of children and the failures of the system. I have 3 children and a joint mortgage. My husband is kept out of the property now by a court order. He has stopped financially contributing since several months and this months cancelled the only 2 household fees that he was paying. So today I applied to CMS. I applied online, hipefully that makes is faster? It does say processing the application takes 6 weeks but the responsability starts within 7 days after first contact. I feel so sad and heartbroken. My life has fallen apart and besides the emotional devastation now need to understand how to manage financially.

[Author]

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