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  • #62439 Report

    dannii009
    Participant

    I have a child the same age and I would also suggest you use the benefit calculators online as they’re really helpful. I spent a long time doing that and working it all out.

    For me, I work 18 hours a week and take home about £1090 after tax. £84 child benefit and £200 child support from the sperm donor (sometimes). UC covers my rent and council tax but nothing more. It’s definitely worth working part-time for me, I think I’d be £400 a month worse off without working, not to mention no pension contributions. Currently I get 15 hours of childcare free a week which I use for a childminder then I’m lucky that my parents are nearby and they look after her one day a week as well. I am careful with money. I don’t drink or smoke or buy much for myself. I food shop from Aldi or go to community larder type places. I get a lot of her toys and clothes second-hand whilst she’s young. But, as a result, I can always feed her, I run a car, I can take her out on trips, we can go on a holiday each year etc So I don’t feel like I’m struggling, I just feel like I’m being sensible with money which I naturally am anyway.

    They do want us single parents to be in work and, if you work out how to make the system help, it is better to be in at least part-time work I found.

    #61598 Report

    dannii009
    Participant

    You’ll be okay!!!

    I broke up with my ex when I was 2 months pregnant and he decided, if I didn’t want to be with him, he didn’t want anything to do with either of us. My best advice is forget all about him. It’s now his choice if he steps up to be a dad or not, there’s nothing you can do. Focus on yourself and the baby. I don’t know your housing and financial situation but there’s plenty of places to go to for help and advice with all that. Gingerbread, citizens advice etc Ask your mum/sister/best friend if they’d be your birthing partner and come to the scans. They’ll be honoured to be asked. Get everything baby-wise from Facebook marketplace and 2nd hand places…you really don’t need anything new apart from a car-seat and a cot mattress. And you don’t need half the stuff they advertise to you. You’ll soon become a master in finding great deals and bargains.

    The best thing about being a solo parent is that you’ll have the most incredible and special bond with your little one. It will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done but it will also the absolute best thing you’ve ever done too. My daughter is 2 now and is my world. You really will be okay.

    #61597 Report

    dannii009
    Participant

    A month?! Oh dear.

    I agree with the great advice of the previous commenter. As strange as their behaviour is, there’s not much you can do about it. I doubt saying something to them will change anything. Just be the loving, stable, supportive parent as much as you can. Try to not get dragged into all the mind games. Your children will probably gravitate towards you more in time because you’ll be their stability. You sound like a decent man, hopefully you’ll meet someone who treats you better one day. Until then, enjoy your children, create a good home for them and be a great dad.

    #59301 Report

    dannii009
    Participant

    I’m a solo parent and I also work so I was wondering how on earth I’d date too but I was talked into trying a dating app over Christmas. I went on it…then decided I didn’t have the time for online dating so came off after a week, but I noticed someone who lives in my village on it. We arranged to go for a walk and, 9 months later, we’re still dating.

    We meet via a mixture of my parents babysitting so we can have alone time, him coming to mine once my daughter is asleep and us going out places with my daughter. He also has kids, but they’re teenagers now, and he works and has hobbies so we’re both busy which is nice in a way as it means neither of us is pressuring the other other meet up tons.

    These things definitely help…he lives close so if something suddenly comes up last minute it’s not a big issue to cancel and rearrange as it’s not like either of us are traveling far. He’s also a dad and has been there and done that….3 times. So toddler issues aren’t a surprise to him, he’s always really understanding about it. Finally we’re just taking it really easy. No pressure. We can’t see each other every day and we don’t want to rush into living with each other, getting married or any of that. The kids come first. We’re just really enjoying dating and doing things together and going to new places together etc. The rest will happen when it’s the right time for everyone. So I think it is possible if you find the right person.

    #59273 Report

    dannii009
    Participant

    I broke up with my ex when I was 2 months pregnant and my ex isn’t on the birth certificate and my daughter has my surname. But my ex didn’t reappear until my daughter was a toddler so it wasn’t really a choice at the time but, further down the line, I am glad he isn’t on it. He’s barely in her life (his choice) so I’m a solo parent and I raise her completely on my own. The thought of him having a say in regards to her education or medical needs or travelling abroad, just seems ridiculous.

    The reality is your ex can get his name on the birth certificate regardless though. If you don’t put him on, he can take it to court and have his name put on. Thankfully my ex never gave a damn but that’s something to bear in mind if you think it matters enough to yours.

    As for the surname, I didn’t want my child to have a different surname to me, although I can understand fathers feeling the same. But, as you’re not married…hell you’re not even together…there’s absolutely no reason for your son to have his over yours. I guess the compromise would be to double-barrel it or give a surname as a middle name?

    And you’re amazing and strong by the way. To leave an abusive relationship is so hard at any time but to do it whilst pregnant is terrifying. But you’ve done the best thing for yourself and your son. You’re one great mamma already x

    #58443 Report

    dannii009
    Participant

    Hi Jollie!

    I broke up with my ex when I was 2 months pregnant and he then decided that, if I didn’t want to be with him, he wanted nothing to do with either of us. I must admit I wasn’t completely alone as I had supportive parents and friends but it was still scary wondering how I’d manage physically, emotionally and financially on my own. But you will and it will be really special. Being a solo parent is the most exhausting thing I’ve ever done but it’s also the most amazing. I have a daughter and the bond we share as it’s just the two of us is really strong because one of the nice things about being a solo parent is that you can give your little one 100% of your attention and you’ll be their favourite person in the world!

    Do go to baby groups and everything going on in your area when you’re ready as that’s where you’ll find mum friends and get support. I also went back to work part-time after my maternity leave to have some ‘me’ time and adult time, which saved my sanity as it can be hard on your own.

    Unfortunately I don’t live very close to you but if you ever want to message me I’d be happy to chat.

    #58439 Report

    dannii009
    Participant

    You don’t need your ex’s permission to introduce your new partner to your daughter. You don’t even have to tell him you have a new partner. Do it whenever you feel ready but your dating life is your own business. I suspect, if he’s controlling, then the less he knows about your personal life the better.

    Which of your friends and family or partner you both spend time with doesn’t ever need to be a topic of conversation until something significant happens which will impact your daughter, like you move in with someone or get married.

    #56417 Report

    dannii009
    Participant

    That’s tricky because the advice from CMS seems nonsense to me. Your ex could technically take her out of childcare on the days you have her and say she’s not paying for those days anymore as those days are your responsibility. She doesn’t have to pay for the holiday childcare with the maintenance money, so you are sort of stuck.

    How much maintenance do you pay and how much is holiday childcare?

    Do you want 50/50 custody? Because you could always fight for that and then not have to pay maintenance at all.

    #55187 Report

    dannii009
    Participant

    He’s definitely making matters worse and I completely understand why she doesn’t want to go. Punishing her for choosing to protect herself and protect her mental health is a ridiculous suggestion on his part.

    I’d just say that she’s 15 now and is old enough to decide for herself if she wants to see him or not and that you’re staying out of it. But perhaps if he showed more patience and understanding he’d win her affections back over time. Forcing her to do things will do more damage. Then leave it at that.

    #55186 Report

    dannii009
    Participant

    I broke up with my partner when I was pregnant and my one piece of advice to you is just focus on yourself and the baby. If you ex wants to be involved, let him make the effort. It he doesn’t, so be it. He’ll be the one missing out…big time. Don’t waste your energy on getting stressed and anxious about it. You tried, I’d leave it now. Like someone else said assume you’re doing it alone then any help physically or financially he may offer eventually will be a bonus. You really can’t force someone to step up and parent when they don’t want to and it’s not worth wasting your time trying to force it…trust me, I wish I hadn’t. You will be an awesome mummy, your baby will be very loved by you and, who knows, you may meet someone better one day.

    #39721 Report

    dannii009
    Participant

    Yes you do! Goodness that sounds like a right mess. I’m sorry you went through all that. I hope that your patience pays off. You may have to bite your tongue for a bit and play the ‘supportive and understanding’ role for the time-being until you can get access again and find out what’s going on. My concern is, if you go down the legal route, you may not get the outcome you’d like. I hope, in time, you can rebuild your relationship with the children. Stay strong!

    #39665 Report

    dannii009
    Participant

    Well done on your road to recovery. Not an easy thing to do but you did it.

    However, you do need to wake up a little bit. By your own admission you looked after your children whilst on drugs and they haven’t seen you for years because of your issues. And now you’re complaining about her being ‘in control’ of the situation. She has every right to be. She doesn’t have to forgive you suddenly and of course she feels protective over the children. The reason why there hasn’t been a court order is because she didn’t take it to court when she could have done. You need to be patient and understanding. They’ve moved on with their lives, it will be hard to let you back in. You may be ready for it but maybe they aren’t. Remember that it’s not all about you.

    I’d just say okay, I understand, I want to prove to you that I have changed so you let me know how and when I can do that.

    #39441 Report

    dannii009
    Participant

    Hi!

    When I have the time to date again I’d love to date a single dad. I think it’ll be a real bonus finding someone who already understands that the children come first. I also have plenty of love to give so I’d happily embrace more children in my life and I’d love for my daughter to have a step-sibling or two one day as she’s an only child.

    I’m sure there’s plenty of women that think the same so you’ll be fine 🙂

Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)