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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 58 total)
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  • #99132 Report

    dannii009
    Participant

    How old is your child? Remember the 30 free hours of childcare kicks in when they’re 3 and then obviously school with after school clubs is far cheaper than nurseries and childminders, although I know holidays are an issue!

    Have you played with the benefit calculators? Going to be very honest here, I discovered by doing it that working part-time was better financially for me than working full-time or not working at all. My UC is enough to pay my rent and council tax, then my wages pay for everything else. I used to get 85% off childcare costs from UC which took that worry away. You do have to increase your working hours as your children get older but working part-time works well when they’re young.

    I don’t know your situation but I assume you’ve chased up the other parent to pay some child support if that’s an option?

    #99131 Report

    dannii009
    Participant

    Short frequent daytime visits is usually recommended with babies, then increased to days out when they’re toddlers followed by overnights when they’re ready which is usually around 2 years old. I’ve never heard of a court allowing 50/50 custody of a newborn baby as it can create all sorts of issues with separation anxiety and attachment. I’d tell him that and be reassured that it’s very likely the courts would agree with you.

    But be encouraged that he wants to be involved. Better than all those parents who disappear!

    #99078 Report

    dannii009
    Participant

    Hi!

    I was in a similar situation. Unplanned pregnancy from a long distance relationship. When he realised I wasn’t going to be moving to Wales to live with him he sadly decided it was too much effort for him to be a part of it all so we broke up and he disappeared. He briefly reappeared a year later and showed a semi interest for a few months but it has all fizzled out again and we don’t see him anymore.

    Firstly, it will be okay. My daughter is now 3 and I’m the happiest i’ve ever been. Being a solo parent can be hard at times but it’s also amazing. I have a very close relationship with my daughter, there’s something special about it just being the two of you.

    Focus less on this guy and more on yourself and your baby. Think about how you’re going to cope financially, practically and how you’re going to do it all without him. That way if he steps up and wants to be a parent that’s a wonderful bonus but you know that you can do it without him if need be. I have definitely learnt that you can’t force someone to be a father, they either want to be or they don’t and that’s all on them.

    I would wait to see if he wants to be involved before deciding on the birth certificate. You can’t actually put him on without him being there anyway. If he does want to be involved and on it, great, but it will be an absolute pain having an absent parent on the birth certificate . You can tell your child who their father is without needing it written on a piece of paper.

    If you decide to have your baby there will be laughter and tears and everything in-between but it will be the most amazing journey you’ve ever been on. Happy to chat more if you need some support x

    #99003 Report

    dannii009
    Participant

    Sounds about right to me. Mine is £119 with the single person discount. It all depends on where you live and the size of your home.

    #99002 Report

    dannii009
    Participant

    I stayed with my daughter during visits when she was that age. Could you do the same until she gets to know the other parent better? You need to both build positive experiences with her and the other parent for a while…which may mean you being there for the time-being.

    #99001 Report

    dannii009
    Participant

    Most people find someone through online dating these days! Especially for single parents who are too busy to go to groups and have hobbies in the evenings. Bumble is a good app for single mums as it allows women to always make first contact, so no pressure.

    I met a single dad as that was what I was looking for as well. A year and a half later, it’s working really well 🙂 Good luck! Be super fussy and take it slow.

    #98589 Report

    dannii009
    Participant

    Date single mums would be my advice. They will understand that your son comes first. They’ll understand if you suddenly have to cancel a date as your child is ill or you can’t get anyone to babysit. They will understand that you can’t spend loads of time with them as you have a child to look after and your child needs a lot of your time as well. They’ll understand as they’ll be in the same situation! No-one gets the reality of parenting unless they’ve been there themselves.

    And just take it slow. I’ve been dating someone for a year and a half now and we’re still just dating really. I already know I’d like to live with him at some point but it has to be the right time for our children as well as ourselves so I don’t think we’ll do it for another couple of years yet.

    I’m sure you’ll find someone. It may just take time to find the right one but it’s worth finding the right one for both yourself and your son.

    #88529 Report

    dannii009
    Participant

    I was in a similar situation. My ex didn’t even care enough to meet his daughter until she was 1 then we agreed to see each other once a month and he just cancelled time and time again. She’s 3 now and I think he has seen her for a grand total of 12 hours. We actually mutually agreed earlier this year to stop the meetings as he cancelled more often than not anyway. We both decided that she can choose if she wants to meet him when she’s old enough to understand. At least that way she isn’t being made to do something she might not even want. The fact he was relieved with that suggestion sadly says it all. Unfortunately he suffers from severe anxiety and OCD which rules his life.

    I’m not at the stage where she’s asking about her dad yet but I know it’s the right thing. I spoke to friends who had an unreliable dad who always forgot about things, cancelled on them etc None of them are close to their fathers now and they all said they would have preferred and would have been better off not seeing him at all. Hearing that helped. I realise that’s not something you can explain to a 4 year old though.

    #88502 Report

    dannii009
    Participant

    Yes you can still claim child maintenance even if he isn’t on the birth certificate. If he argues the child isn’t his then a DNA test will prove otherwise. You can’t actually put him on the birth certificate unless he goes with you if you aren’t married. You’re doing the right thing not having him on it if he won’t be a part of your lives. All the best xx

    #88446 Report

    dannii009
    Participant

    You could always meet him out and about somewhere like a park or farm. Then, if he doesn’t bother showing up, you can still have a nice day out. I was in a similar situation and just stopped making the effort to keep organising the meetings after a while. Needless to say we haven’t now seen her dad for a long time and life is actually happier and less stressful for us both as a result. I met my new boyfriend a year and a half ago and he has been a hundred times more of a father to my daughter than her biological dad ever was. Genetics doesn’t make a parent, being present in the child’s life makes a parent.

    #88445 Report

    dannii009
    Participant

    Have you heard of a child contact centre? It sounds like that would be the best solution until he sorts himself out…if he ever does.

    #88404 Report

    dannii009
    Participant

    I understand. I became single when I was 2 months pregnant. I found it incredibly hard at first going to NCT with all the couples, going to baby groups and hearing them talk about their partners and so on. I felt like it wasn’t fair as well. But then 42% of marriages end in divorce these days. I sadly have friends who were unable to conceive children naturally. I have friends who aren’t in what I’d consider to be happy relationships and friends who are single and don’t want to be. That picture perfect family is so unusual these days. I found my happiness by being grateful for what I do have. That helps.

    #77772 Report

    dannii009
    Participant

    Hi! I have a nearly 3 year old so I understand. Do ask your mum, you may be surprised. I was in the same situation but I eventually asked and my parents said they were happy to also babysit in the evenings once in a while. It’s actually easier for them when she’s in bed! Also, ask your friends if you can bring your daughter to girly days out sometimes. I take my daughter along for picnics and walks and things and my childless friends actually love having her there. Girls together and all that 😉 Do you have any mum friends?

    #77771 Report

    dannii009
    Participant

    Hi, welcome! I’m sorry to hear about everything you’ve been through. You’re right, you will find your new normal. It’s definitely better to be on your own than be in a bad relationship. Be kind to yourself, those up and down days will happen. Start each day afresh. Connect with friends, make new friends. Maybe start a new hobby when your daughter is asleep or isn’t home. Something you’ve always wanted to do! And now you can give your daughter 100% of your attention for a while, which will only strengthen your relationship with her. You’ve got this.

    #71961 Report

    dannii009
    Participant

    No they can’t force you to send your child to childcare, they’ll just stop your payments if you don’t 🙁 I’m also a solo parent only I wasn’t privileged enough to have been-able to afford to have two years at home like you have sadly, I had to work much earlier for financial reasons. It will be okay, 16 hours isn’t much and there are big benefits to children attending a childminder, nursery or a pre-school  in regards to preparing them for school otherwise it’s a big jump. I work 3 days a week and have 4 days at home with my nearly 3 year old and it does feel like the best of both worlds. I can afford to do things with her, I appreciate my time with her even more and we still get to spend lots of time together.

    I think you have to be earning the equivalent of 25 minimum wage when they’re 5.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 58 total)