[DancingD]

Sorry I can’t give advice, but I’m in a similar situation. My ex-partner is moving out of his hotel (he was staying for a few months after we broke up) into a new place with bedrooms for our kids. He picked up our children (aged 9 and 10) only once a week – one evening and then one sunday alternately (his choice even though hes been 5 mins drive away). Now hes saying he expects the kids to stay with him for half of the summer holidays in his new place. My daughter does not adapt well to change, she’s autistic and she is at her best when she can work towards a schedule and build change in slowly. He works on average 72 hours a week, he hasnt told me what he plans to do with the children while hes working. He has taken the kids to his workplace before but its an unsafe building site and ive been very clear this cant happen again. I worry especially about my daughter who has no awareness of risk. I didnt want to go down the court route but im not sure how else this be managed?

I hope you get some helpful advice. I think its totally fair for you to guide your son slowly through this. His dad can help to settle him into his new home with you. Perhaps his dad can take him for day trips to local parks and cafes. Once he’s settled, you both can start the 50/50 arrangement. I think “purposeful, quality time” is much more important than just “time” and the emotional needs of the children must come first. Wishing you the best of luck x

[DancingD]

Sorry to read you are going through this. My children are older – aged 9 and 10 and they also come back after visits with their dad, upset and confused. He makes them change their clothes too(?) he tells them to not tell me certain things and speaks negatively about me with his family.

I can’t give advice to you, but someone suggested i explore counselling/talking therapy for the children which I am looking into. It will help as an outlet for them (my son can’t make sense of his dads motives and really struggling) but also as a way of keeping a record of how their feeling by a neutral person.

I wish you best of luck, if I find out anything more, I’ll message you.

[DancingD]

Thank you Ch81, its true, responding to his angry messages, gets me nowhere. But how do parents deal with changes to childrens activity schedules. Do you have to discuss with the other parent first? These are the granular issues we’re dealing with. He thinks I have to consult him about every little thing, even though he only sees them a day/few hours a week.

I suggested we communicate by email in future to avoid conflict, he then suggested we write letters to each other instead… im making no progress.

Thanks Ishtar for your suggestion – think I will need to get a mediator involved to help set up a parallel parenting arrangement, but this sounds ideal. If anyone has any affordable recommendations that would be great.

[DancingD]

Hi NickyBee,

That is great advice, we communicate on whatsapp (I turn off notifications) but I still end up in battles on whatsapp daily… So yes, emails would be a healthy move.

I agree, I need distance and a routine he will stick to.

Thanks very much, you give me hope! xx

 

[DancingD]

Thanks Emilia, i totally agree with you, but this time I’ve backed out and let him have his way. I haven’t got the energy and feel I need to pick my battles or i will be in a constant state of war!

Signed: emotionally worn out mum…

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