[Charley2020]

He doesn’t want them any more often than once a month. It doesn’t matter what reason he gives and whether you think it’s reasonable, there is no point trying to pressurize him for more than he wants as he will pull out and disappoint the kids and leave you to cancel your plans at the last minute.

Instead, I’d recommend building a support network for you and the kids. Perhaps close friends, trusted neighbours, and people who work in childcare that your children already know can become your support network. Personally, my church family are my support network as I was prevented from relocating to be closer to my own family. I have recommended to a friend to try and find extra grandparents for her child. The beauty of older people is they are often available when others aren’t to help in a crisis and they often really enjoy the opportunity to spend time with children.

 

 

[Charley2020]

Steve he has recently bought a property so cash isn’t short. Unfortunately they won’t switch to collect and pay now he’s paid the arrears. I simply want security of regular payments whatever they are deemed to be.

I messaged for advice because I have no experience of dealing with a court appeal for maintenance payments and was not expecting to be involved at all.

I am not sure of the process or paperwork or expectations of me.

If you have experience of this please offer advice.

 

[Charley2020]

Thanks all for you responses. I didn’t know about the grey rocking method for communicating with narcissists but it is similar to what I try to do now (as least communication and as factual as possible) however I realise I haven’t done this with the holiday dates as felt under obligation to “agree”. Its really good to have a name to it as a genuine and necessary technique that I can give to people who don’t know about narcissists but work in education/divorce/courts/social work and tell everything can be solved with more communication when in fact the opposite is true in my case!

Tiredmama you’ve given me confidence what to say and do regarding Easter. I will be blunt about May as well as he has already had his half term week so should have no grounds to prevent me having my week if I choose.

Regarding court suggestion – gives me more control if I’m the one suggesting he apply if he has a problem with the dates and by saying that I might avoid it completely! If he does, it wouldn’t come as a surprise but I feel I have enough facts to deflect any false accusations and character damning from him to paint himself as the “wronged” party.  And yes, he has never appreciated anything that I have willingly or reluctantly provided… so I totally agree its essential he doesn’t get away with any deviation or bullying on the holiday dates as it only reinforces he can get whatever he wants and would also use to justify being “flexible” in future.

I’ve also found free 1hr legal advice venues (phone appointments due to Covid – better for me anyway) on Legalworks charity website in case I need it.

Feel calmer.

Thanks x

[Charley2020]

Thanks Stephanie. I’m not sure what steps to take when he doesn’t turn up for handover at Easter on the dates on the order…. Guess I turn up and wait 30mins then what? Contact police? Contact solicitor? Go home again and only go to the handover on the day he’s decided, when he messages asking where I am?

I can give up May half term week but why should I? He already has Feb so if I don’t have May he’d have to split it in half and I’d get Oct (although his initial plan was for him to have both half terms!). If he won’t agree for me to have May half term do I just book a break and take it anyway without his agreement? Would he have any grounds to haul me before family court simply because it hadn’t been agreed?

My sister has said he just needs to be told what he’s having… so I wonder legally can I do this as main carer? If so how?

Or can the order be amended to specify half term allocation (for next 9 yrs) without going back through family court?

 

[Charley2020]

Hi Steve

The issue is he won’t stick to rules.

We divide the holidays 50:50 and I have no problem with this. I just don’t want to be bullied every year and not be able to book a holiday abroad (when I can afford to) because he won’t agree dates.

If he contravenes the specific dates in the order for Easter, it gives him even more feeling of control that he can do whatever he wants regardless of the order.

 

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