[JBee9]

Hey, where are you planning on going? And what is his specific reasons for not allowing it? from personal experience travelling abroad it’s just your luck if they stop and question you. As a child travelling abroad with my single dad and 2 brothers (all with same second name) we were stopped at immigrations on grounds of possible kidnapping as he didn’t have written consent from our mum, however after a few hours of phone calls back and forth, they confirmed consent and were allowed to continue our holiday.
I also flew as a single mother with my 4 year old son (different second names) with no questions asked. I did have permission and paper work to back up our relationship/ travel plans etc, however not one person asked for them, so they were none of the wiser if his dad gave persuasion or not.
x

[JBee9]

I can completely sympathise with you here.. my sons dad is very inconsistent, supposed to be 2 evenings and 1 overnight a week, but always cancels or brings back early, even worst that he only stays about half a mile away from us. In last 4 years an overnight is no longer that 24 hours, usually about 15-20 hours, with possible 1/2 occasions it’s been 2 nights but only 36/40 hours. On majority of occasions I’ve supplied everything he needs, he usually asks for certain outfits, especially for parties/days out etc. I would prefer he took him more as the up and down is no good emotionally..

with holidays, his dads been at least a dozen over last year or two, week holiday abroad with partner was cancelled and due to covid these have mostly been weekends in uk (theme parks/caravans) some lasting a week (travelling nc500) however not once did they invite our son. One of his weekends (sept weekend), his full family and their kids were there, except our son, his excuse was I was taking him same place following week (Oct week) although I told him this was last minute as got excellent deal from a friend, so I wouldn’t bother if he went twice. So basically I’ve moaned about this a lot, he blames me for him not going so finally he’s booked Monday- Friday caravan in Summer, that our son is included in. I’m over moon with this, and I know my sons excited, as he was becoming aware of being left out previously. My problem is like you though, I can’t see him being able to do it all week. He’s usually asking me for stuff, phoning to check things etc. I question him having appropriate clothes/ toiletries etc for him, although I know I need to take step back let him prove himself, although I don’t want this to negative affect my son. He’s only been away for me that long when I worked away for 4 nights, and he stayed at his dads once, nans/grans rest of time, which I arrange all prior to leaving..

I know yours is more serious being abroad, but I also go between it being a great experience for him but also question his safety while away.

if possible I would communicate with her dad, set ground rules, expectations etc. If all went wel it’s an experience she’ll remember for wver

[JBee9]

I’m not it was a post out of curiosity

[JBee9]

Hi,

mad a single mum in a very similar position, I have found online forums the best place. I work full time and don’t have regular time alone (my mum used to help a lot but health not great and dad inconsistent) so I found it hard to make time for me. That’s when I found online chat forums, somewhere accessible 24/7, mostly when the wee boys in bed. It’s great for lots of things, sometimes just an adult chat, but also great to hear stories from people in similar situations(reassuring ur not alone), lots of positive/support, I use it often as a place to vent, being anonymous I can let it all out.
although this site is good, there’s not much traffic through it that’s why I use Mumsnet talk more often. More likely to get reply when u need it.

hope this helps a little x

[JBee9]

Hi, I’m so sorry to hear what your going through, but try stay positive things will get better.

I was lucky when I split from my ex we were only engaged so didn’t have the same challenges with divorce, but I do want to offer personal support.
He had an affair while working away, had been going on for months before I found out, but i Definetly had my suspicions during that time. I did question him once and he turned it all round making out I was crazy, which I obviously believed, silly me. Although still together, I was like you, I needed closure on my thoughts so went searching for evidence. I accessed his phone bill, confirming regular calls, exact times when he was at the ‘shop’. I searched this number through everything, eventually Facebook confirmed my thoughts, another woman, lived exactly where he had been working. I comforted him and her, he didn’t bat an eye lid, was like he wanted it and she’d never responded, so basically I chucked him out and he buggered of with her. I was devastated, he didn’t fight or anything. My mind doing over time I searched for everything, as I couldn’t believe how he lied to my face, I wanted to know extent of it. Basically I searched all sorts, confirmed so much, this did anger me but also filled in blanks he wouldn’t. At that time just knowing the truth helped, but I think I was lucky he wasn’t as careful as should’ve been.
fast forward 4 year’s, ive had lots of personal growth and he realised grass wasn’t greener on the other side, mainly as I continued my life without him and he couldn’t handle that I didn’t need him. Tried to come back several times, failing that he’s on 4th girlfriend and acting happy families. It does upset me our life’s aren’t what I planned but I do also know now how it’s my choice and I decide how my life plays out, not him.

So basically all I can say is focus on you, avoid anything with him as he will thrive on thinking you need him or care about him. Keep looking you’ll find your answers one way or another.

 

[JBee9]

Hi, I’m so sorry to hear what your going through just now, I can’t imagine how hard it is for you both.

I don’t have any personal experience to share, however I do have a little professional advise that may be helpful.

As a primary teacher, we help families through a variety of challenging times, with bereavement being one of them. We do help in a number of ways, however one thing we offer is something called ‘Seasons for Growth’, this is available for children, adults and parents, as the programme is adapting to suit individual needs. The overall aim is to make sense of your grief, creating an awareness and understanding that there’s no true end point to get to, as the grief is like a cycle (similar to the seasons), where some days will be light, sunny, happy but others will be cold, dark, sad. The focus is on how you deal with these times, creating strategies suitable for you.
if you have children at school, they might offer it but you can also search it online for more information. I highly recommend it.
x

[JBee9]

Hi, I’m so sorry to hear what your going through just now.
I’m not sure i can help much with what to do but would like to offer a little support.

im a primary school teacher, and although in main stream, I work with children with a wide variety of needs. When trying to get to root cause of behaviours, it’s important to remember that every child is different, so even though they may display same symptoms the reason behind them are unique to them, which creates many challenges when trying to put things in place to help. Honestly it’s usually been trial and error for me, sometimes it’s worked wonders, some time it’s been a work in progress.

I do highly recommend researching ‘The Solihull Approach’. I’ve recieved the training as a teacher but they offer parental support too. It’s very interesting, and gives lots of great information into reasoning and ways to be proactive instead of reactive to behaviours.

Lastly, one thing I say to all parents that are having difficulty at home, is don’t take it as a negative, thinking your doing something wrong, as usually it’s actually a positive, as they are likely to act out where comfortable. For example you are their safe place, you’ve created an environment and relationship strong enough for them to be themselves. Even with this being challenging, they know you want leave them and will always be there, when it’s over. My sons the worst for it, best behaved all day for family, but as soon as I walk in the tantrum starts.
Good luck and stay positive xx

[JBee9]

Hi, I’m so sorry to hear what your going through. When I split with my ex I was lucky to have family near, however a close bit village meant people were constantly asking me about things and how I was. I hated constantly talking about it, I was moving on and wanted to focus on it. My son was 6 months old so I was on maternity leave at the time, and made the most of this by getting out and about as much as possible. It was usually just us two, but we would walk in morning, then out somewhere in afternoon. He was too young to know where we were so I picked placed I was interested in, but he then benefited from my being happy etc. We continued doing this as he grew up, and now he’s so well behaved when out and about, however it is usually just the two of us as can be had arranging with people etc, plus I like to do things at my own pace.
My other get away is work, at first I had 10 optional  ‘keeping in touch days’ I could use before returning full time, so I done 1 a week leading up my return. At this time I chose not to reveal my home life as enjoyed no fuss etc, I could be me again. I had holidays to use when I officially returned to work so only done part time until the summer holidays, which was a great balance for us.
So basically we just stayed busy as much as possible. However 4 years down the line and getting through a pandemic I’m feeling worst than I ever did with loneliness. I do find hard to arrange social outings so again I’ve been keeping busy as much as possible, loads of wee hobbies I find peaceful at home. I do try arrange at least 1 ‘me’ day a month though, just enough to give me focus and excitement x

[JBee9]

hi, sorry to hear your going through this just now, but it’s nice to hear the other parent wanting access.

I can’t help much in what to do legally, however I wanted to share my own thoughts. I grew up with seperated parents, they split when u was a baby so have no memory of them together. When I was 3 I moved with mum and brother, about a 3hr drive away from my dad. We still saw each other a lot, as he made the effort the be there as much as possible. He attended all special occasions, then we would stay with him during school holidays. This went on for 5 years before we moved back to the town where he stayed, then we visited every Wednesday evening and stayed every Friday night. I can remember always being excited to see him, as I loved spending time with him, however I hated staying at his house. The main one was I shared a room with my brother and didn’t have all my comforts, he did try his best, as he made sure we had everything we needed there, it just wasn’t home for me. To begin with I also missed my friends, which often left me feeling bored and nothing to do. I eventually made friends with his neighbours, which helped a lot, but still couldn’t help miss my own home and surroundings. I always felt bad about it but like they say there’s no place like home. Funny thing was I ended up moving in with him for a good few years while I attended high school, I managed to make my room my own. It was different from what I was used to, different rules, routine etc but I ended up loving it there. All I can say is don’t take it personal, children can find it hard to accept and move on with the change. Just be patient, forcing them will just make it worst, they will resent you for it, try to build up time at your house, then the decision will be theres. Hope this helps x

[JBee9]

Speaking to them direct is always the best option, so glad you got some closure, and the money you’ll save from paying will go a long way. My ex questions our agreement all the time, moans at me about his income being too high, however I just acknowledge his comments then tell him to take it up with CMS. So I would totally agree with you simply explain what you found out and refer her to them herself. X

[JBee9]

I’m sure if both your names are on the mortgage you are both entitled to stay in the house while completing separation/divorce. There’s many complications during this time with payments on mortgage etc, which may effect final decisions. Although it seems to be the right thing in your situation to stay in the family home, your wife would be entitled to her share of the assets. You would then likely need to buy her out of mortgage or sell house completely. I would seek legal advice on this, it important to keep yourself right, you don’t want to stay there, pay mortgage then she forces a sale few years down the line and splits 50/50 when infact you paid more. X

[JBee9]

He’s great as in entertaining him, etc but I cover all aspects of his actual care. If anything happens while he has him he calls me to fix it etc, it’s more along those lines, will he know what to do in emergencies etc. I would love the video call but I try avoid it when he’s at his dads because as soon as he sees me he wants home, so although I miss out, I don’t want to put my son through any more distress. I recently took my son from Scotland to London for long weekend on aeroplane myself, I’ve done everything on my own since he was born so that doesn’t phase me. For example my exes mum was to pick our son up from nursery but it was snowing and she walks, so he phoned me to make arrangements. I would never leave my son stuck, and I knew I could sort a few things so said okay just leave it, but it annoyed me as his auntie picks up his cousin same time etc but they didn’t even think to try and arrange themselves, the always pass back on me. That’s why I worry about him away for so long x

[JBee9]

From what you’ve explained I don’t think you need to give her anything. I currently have a CMS arrangement set up, where his wages are now arrested weekly. This sparked many arguments, however he does less than the bare minimum with visits etc. To keep myself right I looked into CMS and found out that although the days spent with other parent do reduce payments, 50/50 time doesn’t automatically stop payments, as they take assume one parent is the main care giver. In my circumstance I buy my son any new clothes he needs, pay for child care, cover costs of clubs, pay for school uniform etc, so the money I receive weekly should help day to day, as well as one off items. From what you’ve said you are pretty much involved in all areas, so if your sharing responsibility equally, splitting costs, etc then no parent should be paying the other. I’m sure you can argue this, however if she demands payment in mean time, your well within your right not help financially in any other ways, I know that’s hard to do as our kids come first, but might make her understand your position better. X

[JBee9]

Hi, sorry I can’t help with court etc, but just wanted to share my experience as a child with parents living in different countries. I’m originally from Scotland, central belt, but when I was 3 years old I moved with my mum and older brother to England, roughly 3 hour drive. My mum met a new man, so we moved in with him, stayed there for two years, and although I knew my dad was always active in our life’s, we only saw him during school holidays. He would drive down collect us and we would stay with him until day before school started back, then at Christmas we always done Christmas Day celebrations with my mums and spent Boxing Day onwards at my dads. This worked well for us as there wasn’t too many disruptions, and I loved seeing him, but also hated staying away for so long. I wasn’t familiar with area didn’t have many friends, didn’t know family too well, so I spent most my time at home bored. My mum eventually split from her partner, so we moved, however stayed in same area, as it was just us in the house, we saw a lot more of my dad as we would often surprise us with visits and days out, we build up a better relationship which made it better when we went to stay. It took years for me to finally be confident there and be myself. It wasn’t ideal, however I would’ve dreaded more frequent visits as I hated the drive, was regularly sick, took ages to get mysef back to normal on arrival. Thinking of my own experience I would advice stand your ground with limited travel, however allow the option for visits if he traveled to you. It shows you are compromising and might help with bonding etc. Anyway hope you get it sorted soon x

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