Contact arrangements

It can be difficult for young children to understand when their parents separate and their routine changes. They can experience all sorts of emotions that they don’t know how to express and so their behaviour changes. All children are different and will have different reactions, and there are many ways in which you can support your child to understand and cope.

You may find Gingerbread’s factsheet on supporting your child useful. It contains details of specialist organisations that can give you the advice you need to support your child.

You might also like to speak to Family Lives on 0808 800 2222 which is open 24 hours a day, or visit their website. They can give you guidance and information about supporting your child.

There are no set rules on contact arrangements and it’s up to the parents to come to an agreement that works for you all. This is not always an easy process and both parents will have their own feelings. If you find it difficult to work things out together you can get help from a mediator who will work with both of you to try and reach an agreement. You may find it useful to read the Gingerbread factsheet on Making arrangements for your children.

Using mediation may help you and your child’s other parent to work out a different contact routine that will work better for your child and both parents. During mediation you can discuss future scenarios where contact changes as your child’s needs and wishes develop over time.

If you have concerns about your child’s safety or welfare when they are with their other parent then you may need to stop or change contact. See more about safety issues below.

It’s important to put your child’s needs first and talk with them to see why they don’t want to see their other parent any more. Sometimes children can be reluctant to discuss issues. There may be a very simple reason that could be resolved easily. Sometimes children find that they want to spend time with their friends or do activities at the time that their contact with their other parent is scheduled, and may think they have to choose between contact and these activities. Sometimes there may be more serious issues.

For further guidance and support on how to approach talking to your child, you can speak to Family Lives on 0808 800 2222 or visit their website.

If you find it difficult to discuss this with your child’s other parent and they can’t see your child’s point of view, you could try mediation, where a trained mediator will work with both of you to try and reach an agreement. Further information is available in our factsheets Making arrangements for your children and Help when you can’t agree.

It can be very frustrating when one parent doesn’t keep to the contact arrangements, and also confusing and upsetting for the children.

If your contact arrangements were agreed informally (e.g without using the courts)

If your contact arrangements were arranged between you without involving the courts, you could try to discuss the contact arrangements with your child’s other parent. There may be a reason why they are not turning up to agreed contact and it may be possible for you to make an alternative arrangement that they can keep to. See our factsheets Making arrangements for your children and Help when you can’t agree for some ideas about how to discuss arrangements and resolve difficulties.

If your contact arrangements were agreed using the courts

If you have a court order in place, it is advisable to seek legal advice before making any decisions Finding free legal advice can be very difficult, so you may find it useful to look at our factsheet on Getting legal help.

If your contact arrangements are set out in a court order and you feel that the arrangements are not working you will need to ask the court for it to be changed. You can inform the court that your child’s other parent is not attending or keeping to the agreed contact hours, and that you would like the contact order changed. You can ask to change the order according to what  is best for your child..

Alternatively, you could try and find out the reasons why your child’s other parent is unable to keep to the court order and come to some other agreement. However, if you do this, the original court order would still stand if your child’s other parent chooses to comply with it later on.

I want my child to have contact with their other parent, but the other parent does not want to have contact with our child.

When a relationship breaks down it can be very difficult to talk about arrangements with your child’s other parent. Sometimes they don’t want to be involved in your child’s life and there could be many reasons for this. You can’t make a parent be involved if they don’t want to, but you can ensure you have done all you reasonably can to enable contact to happen.

If discussing this issue with your child’s other parent directly isn’t possible then you could try mediation. At mediation, both of you can try to resolve disputes on practical issues such as contact with the help of a trained mediator. You may be able to explore other options for contact and talk about your child’s needs without being distracted by other issues. Legal aid is available for mediation if you are on a low income. See our factsheets Help when you can’t agree, Getting legal help and Making arrangements for your children for more about mediation.

“For example if my child’s other parent is using drugs or alcohol, or isn’t taking care of them properly during their contact with our child.”

Any concerns about the safety of your children must be taken into account when making arrangements for them to see their other parent. Always ensure that the arrangements are safe for you and your children.

Sometimes it is just not safe or appropriate for children to see their other parent. If a parent is violent or emotionally abusive, for example, or is not capable of looking after a child on their own, the best thing for the child may be to have no contact with their other parent. In other cases contact can be supervised so that children can see their other parent safely.

If you think it may not be safe for your child to be alone with their other parent, but that contact in a supervised location could benefit your child and allow them to have positive contact with their other parent, you could consider using a contact centre. This is a place where parents can see their children with staff present to supervise contact visits. You can find information about child contact centres from the National Association of Child Contact Centres.

Another way of having supervised contact is to arrange for a family member or friend to supervise contact and ensure that your child is safe during contact.

You may need to consider applying to the court for a child arrangement order to put these arrangements in place. Rights of Women can advise you on how to do this. You can contact them on 020 7251 6577. See our factsheet Getting legal help too.

You can contact our free helpline on 0808 802 0925 if you would like to talk through your specific situation with an adviser.

If it is not safe or possible for your child be in direct physical contact with their other parent it is possible for contact to be arranged by letter, email, online, or by telephone. What sort of method works best will depend on your child’s needs, age and circumstances.

In some cases no contact at all between your child and their other parent may be the safest and best option.

Always ensure that arrangements are safe for yourself and your child. If you have experienced domestic violence, harassment, emotional abuse, or any other kind of harm – or threat of harm – from your child’s other parent then the contact arrangements should ensure that you are not placed in danger, as well as ensuring that your child is safe.

It may be possible to arrange contact so that you do not come into contact with your child’s other parent before, during or after contact. Using a friend or relative to drop your child off and pick them up may be a way of achieving this, or you can use a contact centre. This is a place where parents can see their children with staff present to supervise contact visits. You can find information about child contact centres from the National Association of Child Contact Centres.

You should get legal advice before making child arrangements with an abusive parent. You may need to apply to court for a child arrangements order. There are special rules for the way a court deals with child contact cases where there has been abuse or violence, or threats to you or your child. Rights of Women can give you free legal advice about these issues – their helpline number is 020 7251 6577. See our factsheet Getting legal help too.

Advice is also available from the National Domestic Violence Helpline. Their Freephone helpline number is 0808 200 247.

It can be a real challenge to make contact arrangements when your child is so young. There are no rules about exactly how contact should happen as each family is different. Your baby’s needs are the most important thing to consider when you make any decisions.

Making a parenting arrangement is an ongoing process and you will both need to adapt and make changes as the needs of your child change. When children are still very young one approach is to have shorter but more frequent periods of contact initially and then review the arrangement after six months.

If you have been the main carer for your baby and you’re concerned that your child’s other parent does not know how to look after them on their own, this is something that can be built up to in time. It may be good to start with contact in familiar surroundings such as your home to make your child feel more comfortable and allow for their relationship with their other partner to progress positively. You may wish to openly discuss any issues about caring for your child during contact with your child’s other parent. This will allow them to reassure you that your child will be safely supervised when they are on their own with their other parent.

After some time it may be possible to extend the time your child spends with their other parent but reduce the number of days per week, and then move towards overnight contact once your child is old enough to spend nights with their other parent.

If you find it difficult to talk about this together you might find it useful to use a family mediation service to help you reach an agreement. You can find information in our factsheets Making arrangements for your children and Help when you can’t agree.

The wishes and feelings of the child (in light of their age and understanding) is one of the factors considered by a court when making a decision about contact and living arrangements.

The age that children can make these sort of decisions for themselves isn’t specified in law, as children mature differently. Generally though, the older your child is the more emphasis the court can place on their wishes and feelings.

At the age of 10 or 11 for example, a child’s wishes may be considered by a court but would not be the determining factor in any decision. The court would look at all factors in deciding what is in your child’s best interests.

You could try mediation, where a trained mediator will work with you and your child’s other parent to try and reach an agreement. Your child’s wishes and feelings can be taken into account in mediation. Further information on making arrangements is available in our factsheet, help when you can’t agree.

For further guidance and support on how to approach talking to your child about this, you can speak to Family Lives on 0808 800 2222 or visit their website www.familylives.org.uk.