Posted 15 August 2024
I got married in 2003 through an arranged marriage in India. We met and got married within 6 weeks. Though I was born and raised in Britain, we initially planned to live in India. However, those plans fell through, and we moved back to the UK in 2005. Reflecting on those years, I realise how much I went through in such a short time: marriage, moving countries twice, and having a child all within 3 years. Those were life-changing events.
Various things happened that I prefer not to discuss publicly, but ultimately, we were not happy together.
I don’t blame either of us; it just didn’t work.
When I was pregnant with our second son, I discovered some things that made me realise I needed to leave. However, my family insisted I stay for the sake of the children. So, for 2 years, I tried to put aside our differences and make it work.
The turning point came during a holiday in Barbados. He said some hurtful things, and I realised that if he truly felt that way, there was no point in continuing. Once we returned to London, I told my family I wanted a divorce. Convincing them was the biggest battle. Divorce wasn’t an option in their eyes due to cultural norms and financial concerns. Both my husband and I worked for the family business, and our children attended private school. My parents feared I couldn’t cope financially as a single mother.
I felt isolated, unable to confide in my parents about my unhappiness because they didn’t understand. To them, there wasn’t a real problem since there was no physical abuse, substance abuse, or other obvious issues. My Mum would say, ‘All men are like this, it’s okay.’ But I would respond, ‘Well, Dad’s not like this!’
By 2013, it seemed clear that my parents would never support the divorce, and I realised I needed to rebuild my career to escape the family business. I returned to childcare, my pre-marriage profession. Then, in 2017, my parents had a falling out with my husband over business matters. Slowly, they began to see my perspective, and in 2018, we filed for divorce. My Mum probably wished I had stayed married, but my parents ultimately helped me financially, enabling me to leave.
My divorce was finalised in March 2021. I had planned a big birthday celebration in July, but lockdown rules delayed it. Finally, in September, I threw a party with friends, a marquee, a bouncy castle, and a unicorn birthday cake. A friend brought a ‘Finally Divorced’ sash, and photos shared on social media caught a journalist’s attention. Suddenly, my ‘divorce party’ was all over the internet!
Initially, my parents weren’t impressed, but my cousins and nephews in India told me I was trending on social media. People started saying I was challenging societal norms and normalising divorce in the Asian community. Although that wasn’t my intention, the response led me to launch “It’s a Sonia Thing,” a business mentoring and coaching men and women from all backgrounds on life after divorce. I offer support to those deciding whether to stay in their marriage or adjust to life after divorce.
I didn’t want others to feel as alone as I did post-divorce. My friends were supportive, but none of them had experienced divorce. Later, I found support groups like Asian Single Parents Network, which have been invaluable.
Our lifestyle was comfortable, but we were unhappy, and the atmosphere had become toxic. Now, my ex-husband lives five minutes away, and our teenage sons move between our homes fluidly. If one of us is away, the other takes care of the boys.
I don’t hold grudges because anger is draining. Forgiving is essential for my mental wellbeing. Forgetting is hard, but forgiveness is necessary. Neither of us was perfect. So, I’ve chosen to let go and embrace the new life ahead of me.
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