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  • #41081 Report

    LittleDF
    Participant

    Hi Kate

    Just to re-iterate you are doing a brilliant job and you HAVE done the right thing. You trusted your instinct and you are doing right by your boys. Just keep talking to them, keep things calm for them and seeing them happy will make you happy. It is so hard having 3 boys at the age your are. I struggled so much with depression when mine were your age. Now aged 11, 9 and 7 it’s a different set of problems but they’re still so physical and full on, boys just are. But boys LOVE their mum and the more hugs and love you give them the more you will get back and they will grow up stronger with a great sense of respect and love for all women and treat them well. They will realise it is you who are the stronger parent and will protect you with ferocity. Mine do now and are very protective of me if Daddy gets angry or is suddenly inconsistent with his parenting as he’s had a bad day when he visits. I do sometimes think people underestimate though how lonely it is with boys though, as they aren’t as tuned in emotionally as girls and so you must seek female friends to fill that gap. I do understand and it sounds like you’re very overwhelmed, which is totally understandable in your situation. Somedays it just feels like all you do is serve other peoples needs. It isn’t easy just to go for a run (no offense to the other parents, really sorry) when you are carer of many small people most of the time, even going for a wee on your own is a massive undertaking. I would love to go out running but when I do finally get time on my own I just collapse in a heap and stare at the walls and take in the peace. You forget how to do things on your own because when you have 3 small boys your life is just on autopilot. You’re just surviving. A friend once said to me living in my house was like that pop up mole game you play in arcades, every time you push one down another pops up. Its quite relentless.

    So please be kind to yourself and remember this is a phase and they will grow up. I say this to myself all the time ha ha! If you want to chat, please do. Its good to understand how others cope with small boys and emotional chaos.

    Take care xxxx

    #41072 Report

    LittleDF
    Participant

    Hi Robsheffield

    Just wanted you to know you’re not alone. I feel exactly the same and it’s eating me up. I have to say I am not coping well emotionally with the guilt and am constantly questioning my decision. It doesn’t help that he is being nice and easy going all of a sudden and is finally having therapy for his anger issues. He’s making a huge effort to rectify his past angry and controlling behaviour. It wasn’t as bad as what some people are going through but it still destroyed my confidence and mental health. Also I think the upshot for me, is like you say, there were just things missing in our relationship that you just need and sometimes they are really hard to define. You have made the right decision.

    But its the children and missing family togetherness that is so, so hard. I have 3 boys aged 11,9 and 7 and they are full on. Especially as my 9 year old is high functioning autistic with sensory processing disorder and struggling with self care. But he too gets very angry and my ex can’t handle him too well. I had to reduce the stress in the house. But we do still get together still for meals (had no choice but to see only each other during lockdown) and he is supportive and agreeable about childcare, although once he did tell me he wouldn’t look after the boys so I could see any friends, I can only do that when he has them on his day as he’s not being a babysitter. Which means I can’t as they won’t leave me for more than 24 hours and he can’t cope with them for longer than that, and, as I am working in a primary school 5 days a week all I do is sleep when they’re at his!! Anyway he’s apologised for that comment. Although i still see no friends (most don’t bother now or my closest ones live too far away), yet his is seeing friends for golf, walks and social distanced evenings. He gets to go running etc. I literally can’t leave the house, but thats my choice apparently. He said he’s rather be with us than do all those things but he doesn’t have a choice so he’s making the most of life. Good for him, I don’t blame him but I’m lonely and so tired and run down. I would love to do some things for myself but I can’t. Definitely feel like I’m being punished for my decision.

    So I get annoyed but then I feel guilt again as I know he’d rather be with us. Seeing him with his children and watching him leave to go back to his house at the end of the day is absolutely breaking my heart. The guilt that I am tearing him away from his beloved children is harrowing. Even watching the dog sulk when he leaves is awful. And my 11 year old is struggling so much. He was in tears the other morning as he had a dream we were all on holiday together and then woke up and remembered Daddy doesn’t live with us anymore and realised how much he misses him being here. It just makes me cry even after 3 months.

    Don’t get me wrong, there are many days where I feel immense relief and am reminded how far we’ve come, but its still all so raw and painful.

    I am having therapy but some days and I am sorting therapy out for the boys, but I am so floored and I am not looking after myself at all.

    Just no-where to go for real support in our rural community.

    take care

    #40370 Report

    LittleDF
    Participant

    I feel this same. My husband shut down from me completely during our marriage and was emotionally abusive, shouted at me and the boys and turned us into anxious wreaks. we were all so broken and lived walking on eggshells. I was scared of his reactions as he would question everything i did or said and critisize. He is undiagnosed ASD like his father and has lived with shouting and negative responses his whole life. As a result he never coped well with my autistic sons outbursts and regularly made him distressed too, which was harrowing. He refused to talk about money and never shared any financial information with me, I basically spent 10 years raising the children alone whilst his job was his biggest focus. He was always good around the house and helped with domestic chores, always did the right thing by us but we didn’t ever have calm, love or happiness. Over the years I grew so indifferent to him and actually ended up hating him and was desperate to shield the children from his anger. Sex was a massive issue too. In the end I couldn’t take any more and had an affair (horiffic I know), but finished it after he had a complete breakdown when he found out. So we have both hurt each other. Roll forward and many, many chats later we have finially sorted our finances out, both are having separate therapy and he has moved out to a place around the corner. Unfortunately this has all happened just as lockdown started. So we decided to make a huge effort to get on for the sake of the children as we realised we’d only have each other and he was keen to still be able to help me out with the children, which is great. So the lockdown has forced us to be civil and given us time to talk more. We both recognise where things went wrong, he is hugely regretful of the way he treated us and is getting therapy to work on his anger issues. Obviously he cannot forget my affair but does understand why he pushed me away. I feel tremendous guilt for what I did. I handled it so badly. So he is still coming round everyday to see the boys or have dinner with us and at first it was ok and the boys have two parents not fighting who are supporting each other and being respectful. However two months in and it is getting so hard. He is really struggling as its so painful for him to have to come to the family home and then leave again. I feel awful for him. I helped him assemble some IKEA furniture the other day at his and it was weird being at his. We’re like two friends that don’t really like each other and are awkward. I keep looking at him to see if I can feel a glimmer of love again. I keep looking to see if I can love him again, but I just don’t think I can. He still doesn’t trust me, he still checks to see what time I’m up until on whatsapp and checks my facebook. I have to keep all my browsing history deleted on my laptop as I know he’s go snooping to see what I’ve been looking at. I still see glimpses of the old times and sometimes he still can’t handle my autistic son, which is distressing. I will never be able to go on dating sites as he’ll be checking to see if my profile is there. He will always like to have some control in my life. But he loves the children and dog so much it breaks my heart. We both so miserable. How do we move on? All other posts are about couples hating each other and at war. We’re not, we’re being amicable and respectful. In a way it’d be easier if we were:)!! Help.

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