[GingerbreadMan]

Similar to you, I’ve been divorced 12 years. Kids are now teenagers and mum, having never forgiven me for the divorce, has alienated the children.

It’s important to remember that you are more than a mum. You are a woman, a professional, a daughter, a sister and a friend. If you define yourself by your situation, you close the door on many friendships and relationships.

[GingerbreadMan]

Don’t despair. I used to feel like I’m the only one in the world and would feel terrible guilt staying in, always trying to arrange playdates, playground, doing things out, but really, your child wants to spend time with YOU. And is happiest when you’re on the floor with them playing games.

Once I realised that, I involved them in cooking, vacuuming, decorating the tree, tending the plants, helping with the shopping. Everything.

Cherish every moment when they’re at that age. Their bond with you will never be stronger.

Relationships will come. Give it time and give yourself time.

[GingerbreadMan]

Apologies, I don’t get notified of replies and didn’t check here recently.

MIAM is mandatory now, as is (the Cafcass co-parenting one-day workshop); once you have that you absolutely can get a Court Order. Mine had contact (fortnightly), phone contact (twice-weekly) and holiday contact (Skype / Zoom, etc). It’s just as well as really makes it harder for a vindictive resident parent to interfere with contact.

Good luck

[GingerbreadMan]

I think narcissism is a term that’s thrown around a lot when we can’t find a more fitting label. Your ex has severe psychological issues and it’s admirable that you try to nurture his relationship with his his child despite everything.

Regarding dating / Tinder, of course he has no right to “vet” anyone you see, but I would caution you to wait a while. It’s tempting to want someone in your life for support, but (even if your ex was the most stable person) it might be better to prioritise your daughter and life beyond the breakup.

Lastly, keep CAFCASS involved. They are very effective and their volunteers are brilliant. If you need to, use their contact centres for exchanges.

Best of luck.

[GingerbreadMan]

We have an election coming up. Hopefully things will change. Childcare is a scandal in this country.

Is the father able to help or is he full time also? How about extended family on either side?

 

[GingerbreadMan]

Full custody is exclusionary. Why would you need this?

Courts’ (and common sense) say that both parental have joint parental responsibility. If he is absent, and you feel it has prevented you from making decision regarding his health or schooling (and dad has been unresponsive), you can seek legal advice but you don’t ay this has been the case.

[GingerbreadMan]

There are not many ways to interpret “having them even slightly more would be in your favour, unless he has evidence to suggest you shouldn’t”.

You may have meant well, but that’s really poor. If the children come first (and they do), there is no place for language like that.

I, and countless fathers (and it is often the fathers) have been on the receiving end of mother extorting contact concessions and more, always more, money by leveraging the children and the biased legal system.

 

 

• This reply was modified 11 months, 2 weeks ago by GingerbreadMan.

[GingerbreadMan]

I agree with “Concerned101”, I would caution against allowing the situation to continue much longer and you need to be seen to be doing everything humanly possible to seek a resolution to return things to “normal”. Contact CAB regarding your options if she refuses to engage with mediation.

I divorced my ex when the kids were 2 & 3 (They’re now 16 & 17) and she has *never* stopped weaponizing them, to get back at me and to extract more money. For me, seeing how many brilliant mums nurture their children’s relationship with dad wasn’t comfort but further reminder I married wrong.

Get a Contact Order in place. Breaching that is a criminal offence and Courts have increasingly less patience with resident parents using the kids to extort money.

Stay strong. Your child will not forget you.

 

Happy to discuss if you need to.

 

 

 

 

• This reply was modified 11 months, 2 weeks ago by GingerbreadMan.

[GingerbreadMan]

Speaking from the point of view of father, I felt like an empty vessel for a long time. Not only was I no longer married, she took my children and would weaponize them at every opportunity. Men are great at bottling things up and that intensifies the feeling of isolation.

I sought solace in some [loving] relationships but it wasn’t until I loved myself that I felt whole again. And it’s made me a better father.

It takes time. But it does get easier.

Much love.

 

[GingerbreadMan]

Unfortunately, this is classic cheater psychology; they label you as controlling & manipulative when you call out their infidelity and question their alibis.

Though you may not see it yet, you are in a much much better place without him. Give yourself time to heal from the damage of years of gaslighting..

 

And remember, once a cheater always a cheater. Though I’ll ALWAYS believe that kids are better off within a family unit, I also believe my earlier statement to be 100% correct. If you forgive a cheater, they will cheat again. It is a matter of time.

 

Much love.

[GingerbreadMan]

To clarify, your son has a good relationship with his (real) dad but you may be splitting up from his step-dad?

If so, I’d say you’re probably over-worrying; at 15, boys are mature enough, particularly when their fathers are in the picture, to handle the loss of a step-dad.

 

I hope your current relationship works out and this is all academic, but if not, there is no need to pre-empt. If it *should* happen, I suggest you *both* discuss it with him together.

[GingerbreadMan]

You say you had to flee – is he a danger to the kids or is there a contact arrangement?

It is so sad and disappointing when I read such stories as yours. Non-resident parents have an obligation to their kids regardless of the reasons for the separation.

I work freelance but have always paid my ex more than the CSA/CMS calculations state, and always between us without resorting to the CSA/CMS (despite divorce being very acrimonious), but I get that some non-resident parents don’t.

The way the CMS works is that they go on tax returns. Never on assets (eg he could have £millions in the bank, but earn minimum wage and they would go on the latter). One benefit of the tax return though is that while he may pay myself a low salary of say £1,000 a month (because salary is tax-inefficient), but dividends totalling £30,000 a year (or £2,500 a month), they both appear on his tax return, which also includes BiK (Benefits in Kind) such as capital company expenditure used personally (eg car).

You say you were together for 16 years so you are better placed to know if his company had peaks and troughs; some lean months and some fat months, but as a minimum, the CMS should be demanding to see his (personal) tax return each year.

Best of luck!

 

 

[GingerbreadMan]

Please publish the CMS letter here (with personally-identifying details redacted). I think it would help many a father in a similar position.

Glad your issue got resolved in the end..

[GingerbreadMan]

For what it’s worth, it is always better to negotiate directly with mum. My ex-wife is a certified narcissist and has permanently damaged the children and their relationship with their father because (as is often the case) SHE’S angry at being divorced.

The CMS is a very blunt instrument, but there is redress. You can demand a ‘mandatory reconsideration’ (usually within a month) if you feel they’re wrong. If you’re still unhappy, you can demand an independent tribunal. The CMS *have* to show just cause why they consider your grounds for a challenge to be baseless.

Stay strong. The children are worth it. You’re out of a relationship with what looks like a toxic partner. Be grateful for that 🙂

[GingerbreadMan]

It is so sad when a parent behaves in this way. The child’s well-being requires too caring parents, even if they’re separated.

If your ex has to be coaxed by his mother (you don’t say how old he is / if he works), then that’s a pretty bad sign, and the contact periods he’s requesting seem more to do with avoiding a “status quo” (the strange legal view that is best, where possible, to maintain an established status quo for the sake of the child and the stability thereof).

If you don’t think he can look after a small baby overnight, your priority is to the baby. Always. Suggest you try daytime only contact for now and review progress. As a father, I am astonished when another father seems to care so little. He will mature (hopefully). Be kind. Be moral, never weaponise the baby.

Delinquent / unreliable parents are always on a weaker footing, legally and morally. You seem to be doing all the right things.

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