[dannii009]

I agree with the other replies. My daughter’s father rejected our daughter as well as a punishment for me breaking up with him. I then spent far too much time in that first year feeling hurt by it, confused, shocked, angry, let-down and all of the emotions. I did everything I could to try and talk him into having some sort of relationship with his daughter. Now I wish I hadn’t. I wish I had spent far less time wasting my thoughts on him and spent that time instead focusing solely on my daughter. She’s 5 now and we haven’t seen her dad in years…his choice. She’s a wonderful, happy child and he has missed out on the best thing that ever happened to him. I have a new partner who she adores and I actually keep forgetting he’s not her biological father these days as he is her father in every other way. It’s a tough thing to get through but letting it go and focusing on your daughter is the best thing you can do. You can’t force someone to be a father when they don’t want to be. And they’re the ones missing out.

[dannii009]

The constant changes are stressful. I don’t know how much under you are but you could see if you can find a job to do from home for a couple of hours a week to take you over the threshold.

[dannii009]

You can still apply for CMS even if he doesn’t have parental rights but I completely understand why you may not want any links to him, even financial ones.

I’ve been a single parent for 5 years but I’m planning to move in with my partner next year. I also work part-time and will lose all of the benefits I get as a single mum and actually be worse off financially. So I’ll be in the same situation as you. I assume you already get Disability Living Allowance for your little one? Apart from that, if your joint income is over the threshold for UC, I don’t think there’s much else you can get.

[dannii009]

There are good benefit calculators online, one is called Turn2us and the other Entitled To. It may be worth checking as you might be surprised. Obviously it depends on if you’re renting or paying a mortgage, how much you have in savings etc Also, if you don’t already get it, you can look into applying for disability living allowance for your children depending on their extra care needs.

[dannii009]

Same as above, my ex isn’t on the birth certificate as he didn’t want to be and my daughter has my surname. Now I’m very glad that’s the case. For example, you need to have written permission from the other parent in order to take your child abroad without them, which is very tricky if the other parent isn’t in your life. Whereas, if he isn’t on the birth certificate, you don’t have to worry about any of that.

You can still claim child support via CMS if he isn’t on the birth certificate.

[dannii009]

I was in your shoes 4 years ago minus the court case. Have you found the benefits calculators? One is called EntitledTo and the other Turn2us. I literally sat down with those for ages and worked out how many hours I would need to work and how much I’d need to earn in order to be-able to survive. In my situation working 18 hours a week was the answer as I then got earnings plus universal credit. If you’re a single parent on UC you do get a lot of money towards childcare costs. Now my daughter is at school I’ve increased my hours.

I would seriously try to find work closer to home to cut down on the commute and, having been a TA myself, it’s a great job but seriously underpaid. I know office work isn’t super exciting but it can be better paid and you might be-able to find one where you can work hybrid or even all from home, which is helpful as small children are constantly ill.

[dannii009]

It depends how old your youngest is. Contact gingerbread though as 40 hours definitely isn’t right. I don’t know what issues your youngest has but look into applying for DLA if you think they might qualify.

[dannii009]

I agree with above, he’s taking you for a ride. You’ve got all of the responsibility both practically and financially whilst he just appears as and when he feels like it. It sounds like he wants to be a fun uncle and not a father. You will need to be firm and say that you’re glad he now wants to be involved but that needs to include child support and an agreed agreement. If he says no go to CMS.

[dannii009]

That just shows she needs to be exposed to more diversity…although I have no-idea how to do that if your community isn’t very diverse. Do you have a community Facebook group that you could post on and ask if there are other solo parents around or gay parents? Maybe if she meets other children who also don’t have either a dad or mum in their lives she’ll feel less like the odd one out.

[dannii009]

Aww bless her. My 4 year old doesn’t have her biological dad in her life, he choose not to be. Perhaps because she has no memory of him she’s yet to ask about her dad and doesn’t seem to care at all. I’ve just always told her that every family is different. Some children have one mummy, some have one daddy, some have two daddies, some two mummies, some live with grandparents and so on. I also emphasise how perfect our little family is. Once she eventually realises that she must have a dad…probably because some other child tells her that…I’m going to tell her that there are good dads and bad dads and hers wasn’t able to be a good dad but there are lots of people who love her. Goodness knows how she’ll take it. It’s tough when it’s not their fault at all 🙁

If it helps to hear this, my biological father was abusive and now as an adult I realise that my mum breaking up with him was the best thing she ever did for us.

[dannii009]

Hi! I’m a single mum to a 4 year old as well.

If your daughter has suspected autism you could go to Citizens Advice and ask for their help in applying for disability living allowance for her. You don’t need a diagnosis to apply. It takes time…the waiting time to hear about a decision is 5 months currently…and you may not get it but if you are successful having a child in recipet of DLA does turn off your work commitments. You will need evidence of her extra care needs from her school SENCO, GP or whatever you can get your hands on in order to stand a chance of getting DLA. But worth a try!

Financially you’d probably still be better off working though. I have friends who work in IT that work from home and some work part-time so it’s worth looking around. Urgh I can’t believe you’re getting the “overqualified” response, must be so frustrating.

[dannii009]

Hi, I found myself single when I was 2 months pregnant and then my landlady gave me notice on the flat I was renting as she wanted to sell it, so I’ve been there. You need to add yourself onto the council housing association list ASAP and you will get help from Universal Credit to top up your wages during maternity leave. Chatting to Citizens Advice, as someone suggested, is a good place to start as they can go through it all with you. It will be okay. I was in your position 5 years ago and my daughter and I have done just fine, life is good.

[dannii009]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. A breakup is horrible for everyone, especially when there are children involved.

If I was in your position I would seriously consider moving to France. You’ve admitted yourself that you’re going to struggle to afford your new life in the London so it sounds like you’d be no better or worse off living in France except for the fact you’ll see your children a lot more and neither of you would have to pay the extra travel costs.  I can’t imagine living in a different country to my daughter. Remember they’re only little for long, it’s such a short time those few years really. Whatever you need to do to make it work.

[dannii009]

I read about it possibly happening but I haven’t heard anything official. I assumed it was connected to the 30 hours free childcare but that isn’t starting until 2025. Maybe gingerbread can shed some light.

[dannii009]

That’s annoying, I assumed the UC case workers were really on at people to find jobs these days or you lose your UC. Obviously not in all cases.

I understand why you’re frustrated but remember it isn’t about how your ex gets her income, if it’s by lying to get benefits or by working, as either way you’d still have to pay the same amount of maintenance so it doesn’t actually change anything. You’re paying maintenance as it as it sounds like your ex has custody of her because of the 200 mile distance. I’m sure your daughter would much rather have her dad around like your other children get to enjoy. Think of the money as at least something you can do for her. Not sure if that helps.

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