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  • #38694 Report

    Cliveceltic
    Participant

    You get child care element to tax credits or whatever the universal credit equivalent is.  They pay 70% of your child care costS as long as you use a registered ofsted child carer.  You need to be able to estimate your cost in advance and take into account anything like term time only.  If you end up paying out more than your estimate then you can claim it back but if you end up paying less than your estimate then you will owe it back.  They don’t automatically ask you for proof but at any time you could be requested to give proof.  I had this when my daughter was in nursery at the pre school and got her free sessions but I was paying for extra sessions.  The following year I was asked to submit proof.  I had a a bit of an issue as I contacted the tax credit people when she finished nursery for the summer to go into reception and they never changed my claim and actually kept paying me the same money.  So when I sent in proof they came back to me saying I had been overpaid and owed them.  I got into a battle as I had contacted them a couple of time.  Anyway it turned out they record calls so when I submitted info regarding those calls and they tracked them down I didn’t have to pay the overpayment back as it was their error.  So, keep records of all monies actually paid and if it looks like it might differ to estimate then let them know immediately.

    #38693 Report

    Cliveceltic
    Participant

    Mine are continuing to go between the 2 homes.  I am a teacher working from home – i did 1 day in school 2 weeks ago and was allowed to work from home after that.  The kids went to school that day and that was what scared me.  Dad had them the other 2 days as I worked from home.  They are safer with him than if I had have sent them to school should I have been called into work.  Dad works as a 1:1 career for disabled adults so is in and out of a few homes but under strict hygiene protocols.  He lives on his own and so do I, other than our children.  He has another child who hasn’t been allowed contact and it has really upset him and it also means my kids don’t see their sibling.  I think if one of us was working in a supermarket or hospital then I would be more inclined for the kids to stay with the non working in risky place parent but we are both being sensible and keeping to the rules.  My only other contact is when I do the food shop as I have not been able to get an online slot.  I have to shop for my elderly father too so try and do that when the kids are with their dad so I can do it all alone as requested by the government. If he didn’t have them then I would need to do those shopping trips and deliveries with kids in tow and although they are good kids the urge to stray and look on shelves and touch things is strong.

     

    So my answer to your question would be that it depends on what you and your ex are doing during your isolation and if it puts anyone at risk to mix the households.

    #38585 Report

    Cliveceltic
    Participant

    I am also a part time teacher so last week my children went to school 1 day and their dad’s 2 days whilst I worked.  I had to change my work hours to 3 days instead of 2 due to their school opening time.  Anyway, I had a massive meltdown taking them to school on Tuesday and I was sent home early due to lack of students and was allowed to work at home the rest of the week.  This enabled me to get my food shopping done and also shopping done for my elderly separated parents who have no one else to help, all whilst also working from home.  My ex works as a career in the homes of individual disabled adults and din’t have many shifts last week other than the day we sent the children to school.  My school have allowed me to work from home this week so I cancelled school and had them with me today but they have still gone to their dad’s tomorrow whilst he is off work and I am working from home.  My view is that they are safer with him that going into school.  I am not sure what will happen after Easter with my school as I may get put on a rota to work in school or in our residential home as it is a special needs school.  My ex lives alone and so do I, other than our children.  He has another child who’s mother has refused face to face contact since this all started.  The way I am trying to see this is that if we both still lived together the risks would be the same as us being apart – him working his shifts and me potentially working mine, getting essential shopping for myself and my parents.  So currently I am ok with him taking the children with him.  It is allowing me to do those shopping trips alone and to drop things to my parents. I try and get all 3 shops done in one go but my dad has mental health issues (OCD) and only eats specific foods (certain brands of tins which are hard to get at the moment) so I am having to visit several shops to make sure he has enough food.  Prior to this he would not eat in the house and only in 2 specific cafes that are now closed.  It’s exhausting sorting my parents out and my children whilst also working from home.

     

    Hope this doesn’t sound rambly.  I think each situation needs it’s own consideration as to whether your children should move between homes or not.  If my ex worked in a higher risk job such as the supermarket or a hospital then I would have a different view but he is coming into contact with a few individual clients who are housebound.  I am dreading having to go back to work physically rather than working from school and clashing with his shifts meaning we must use the school.  There aren’t many children in school from what I understand but 5 other children and their families and staff who are also taking their children to school seems higher risk than my ex.

    #11074 Report

    Cliveceltic
    Participant

    Not been on a while but catching up on some threads.  I have a now 8 and 5 year old and me and ex split 3.5 years ago.  He was annoying his single life for a year and then started acting weird and odd around picking up the kids etc.  He then told me he was dating.  We agreed no contact with the kids until it was well established so he arranged to see her in his child free time.  He then dropped the bomb that she was pregnant.  They’d just found out but appears an immediate conception on starting to date.  Suddenly he wanted the kids to meet her and have her move in.  Kids were 3 and 5 at the time.  I took it worse than they did.  They met her and they kept it from them for a while until closer to the time and when it was more obvious.  They told them with a little card each with the scan photo on. They came home very excited.  She moved in not long before she was due.  I often put the kids to bed at his while he was at work and stayed til he got home so that he had them the full next day.  I suddenly had to start dropping them off to her to put to bed.  Very strange.  They’ve adapted well since the baby arrived and ex and new partner moved house too – to accommodate her rather than my kids in the area they moved to.  Kids like her.  I’m lucky she’s nice to them.  He now has no child free time though as he’s always got the new baby now.  Kids took a while to understand why i don’t hug and kiss their sister and why i’m Not having her over to sleep.  Baby is now 2 and mine are older.  My youngest is now the middle child and is very clingy with me.  Funniest thing ever now is the baby shouts ‘mummy’ when i arrive to pick mine up but wont call her actual mum by mum.  She hears my 2 calling her her name so doesn’t hear her referred to as mummy.  It’s all very amicable.  The kids complained a while that their sister cried a lot but in general they took it quite well.  I think kids are adaptable.  Remaining positive through gritted teeth has helped.  I try really hard not to say anything negative.  I even helped them pick out a present for when she was born and for her birthday.       My eldest has, on Occasion, asked why daddy doesnt live with us and why the new Partner can’t live on her own.  At one point she even suggested we all live together – we can’t afford to move an i hate my house and daddy has moved many times, i explain I work part time and only have my wag to pay for the house and daddy has 2 wages now so she suggested we put all the wages together and bought a big house.  The innocents of kids.

    #7672 Report

    Cliveceltic
    Participant

    No advice but didn’t want to read and run.  Sorry for your loss, i cant even imagine how devastating it is for you all.  Hope you find the right advice and support. Hopefully someone can point you in the right direction.

    xxx

    #7671 Report

    Cliveceltic
    Participant

    They can put whatever limits they want onto them.  They can’t stop people having children once they have already moved in – not sure if they would evict or if it would cause an issue.  Strangely I had a similar issue with a hotel refusing us a room due to the age of the children and the fact it had a balcony.  The allocation of council houses always seems barmy to me.

    #7670 Report

    Cliveceltic
    Participant

    She wouldn’t pass the mortgage affordability tests I’d imagine.  Me ex and i bought a house 11 years ago.  At the time we were married but he had been blacklisted for bad credit – this was done wrongly and was eventually corrected but not in time for the mortgage application.  He wasn’t able to be named on the mortgage so the loan was in my name.  He wasn’t too happy and we were told that once the mistake was corrected he could be added back on for a fee.  We were on a fixed deal so were also advised that it would be cheaper to wait til we remortgaged to a new deal to get him on the new mortgage rather than incur fees adding him on.  We drew up a contract with the solicitor stating his rights to the property (but as a tennant not owner as he couldn’t be on the mortgage so not on the deeds).  Never thought anything more.

    Fast forward 2 years, fixed deal finished, housing crash leaving the property in negative equity.  No chance of a remortgage now as loan to value was too much.  So he was not able to be put on the mortgage.  Kept same mortgage but on standard rate.  Couldn’t afford fees to have him added.

    Fast forward another few years and we split up.  House still in negative equity but in my name.  I’m now working part time earning about half i did when i took the mortgage.  House with a good £15-20 less that it was bought for still and in need of some work. No chance of me selling it, but with my wage, tax credits and small amount from him i can afford to pay the mortgage.  He just walked away and has claimed no responsibility for the debt on the house as its in my name.  He had other debts and we had a shared loan so all the was divided, but the house, nope.  He’s since moved 3 times and has been able to pick and choose where he lives whilst I’m in the house which needs work doing to it.  We did get a divorce and basically the house is mine.  We had no assets to split so the divorce was fairly straightforward.  He doesn’t earn much.  We had 2 cars so took one each. No pension split.  The house has been a bugbear of mine since he left and i tried to remortgage to a better deal a few times unsuccessfully.  Was going to declare myself bankrupt but was advised against it from debt charity as I can afford payments.

    Fast forward to now.  Earlier this week, after receiving a letter saying interest rates were now going up for the first time in 10 years i contacted the bank.  They have now agreed a new deal.  Didn’t have to go through financial checks, valuations or prove income.  Mortgage statements says I’m possibly evened out on value and loan now.  I still couldn’t sell as even if i got enough to pay off, my income wouldn’t get me more than a £50k mortgage now so no chance of buying and renting would be a good £150+ per month for a smaller property.  But, at least i get to own it in 25 years, despite not being able to move in the foreseeable future.

    Hope this helps with the mortgage.  Tread carefully.  I thought i was protected by being married but I wasn’t.  She may struggle to be allowed onto the mortgage if she earns £0.  If you were married and owned the house and it had increased in value she would be entitled to 50% on divorce.  Not sure on just cohabiting.  If you can afford it on your own the go ahead with the purchase. Get legal advice.

    #7667 Report

    Cliveceltic
    Participant

    I’ve just registered to late to the party a little.  I really struggle when my kids are away too.  I have limited friends so end up spending a lot of time on my own or ill meet my mum.  I’ve watched so many box sets on Netflix its unreal.  Some weekends i don’t even get dressed.  I’m better on days when I’ve had to take them to school and have to go back and pick them up, so i get out to the shops etc.  I find this time of year hard as the weather doesn’t help. I have tried joining groups on meet ups but always end up with the wrong group.  I’m 40 and everything i join seems to be full of retired people or people who want to meet on regular days when i have my children. Even someone at church mentioned that i seem to enjoy hanging out with the old folk – haha, i don’t mind but its not a conscious choice.

    I noticed a lot of couple friends stopped inviting me out with them when i became single, unless they are going on a girl’s night out.  Those night outs aren’t often and sometimes i have to decline if its my weekend with the children.  It then becomes a bit of a cycle where you stop getting invited. I have probably one single friend who i see occasionally when our children are at a club together and another 2 couple friends – one i see at church only and another at church and school so we sometimes meet up as the children are close friends.  We sometimes have a coffee after school drop off.  My children seem at the age when a lot of the parents have gone back to work, and i only do the school run a couple of times a week.  One of the classes has a what’s app group for the mums and we have been out a couple of times but again, i have had to decline a few outings due to my weekend with the children.  I feel its my responsibility to make my social activities on days they are at their dad’s, which was great when he had them every other weekend but nor he works weekends so has them in the week to cover my work days meaning I’d have to go out on a work night which is just not going to happen.  My mum would have them but i don’t want to be asking every other week even for her to have them over night as they’ve only just come back from their dad’s and i feel its too much.

    i don’t think people pick up on how lonely it can be -usually ho lucky i am to have the children sleep over at their dad’s regularly meaning child free nights!!  They don’t seem to understand that regularly not seeing your children isn’t as fun as it looks, and mummy guilt kicks in.  I have some friends that do facebook posts about being depresssed and lonely and missing the kids etc, but i can;t be doing with the drama and don’t publicly want to say ‘I’m lonely here !’.

    Not sure what the answer is.  Parenthood is a good box set (on DVD) to binge watch, eat crap and cry to!!!

    xxx

     

    #7665 Report

    Cliveceltic
    Participant

    I can see this from both perspectives.  I work a set 2 days a week however my ex was working a rotating shift pattern so we set up the time with the children so it best covered my work days one of the weeks and the other week i had to rely on them staying over at my parents’ house. They also went to him every other weekend. It meant the children were staying with him, my parents and me on a regular basis.  This worked but i always felt like the kids had too much sleeping out.  It also meant i declined offers of additional sleep overs for them elsewhere.  It gave me flexibility on every other weekends to make plans and get some rest but it was a whole week between visits then several in one week.  He recently changed jobs and now only works Friday and Saturday nights.  I now work 3 days.  This has meant a huge change to the plans.  It’s now more 50/50 split and he sees them weekly and they no longer stay at my parents but his working weekends means he looks after them now on the 3 days i work so i no longer have any weekends to re charge my batteries and socialise without having to ask the parents for sleep overs – which feels like asking permission in my 40s for a social life.  He has a new partner and baby but i’m Still single.  He often changes plans when he needs to work an extra day which clashes with my day so they end up in school clubs.

    I think what i am getting at is that I personally have been flexible to his working pattern.  I have done this to keep things amicable.  I know that many people think i am being soft.  But i personally think that we might as well work around the fact that we have jobs.  I think your ex is being unreasonable to insist on set days when she knows that you work a shift pattern that changes over a few weeks.  This can be really hard to organise child care around ( we tried this before we split up).  3 nights per week is seen as a lot so i’m told.  I have friends who’s children stay at their dad’s one night per fortnight and am often told i am lucky.

    Mediation would be the way forward before to lay your cards on the table.  You can’t be classed as inflexible due to your job.  I have a job that is set (teacher) but i can’t finish early, go in late, take time off like people can in other jobs.  I assume there are other jobs that are also less flexible and the mediation or court could not make you find another job.  Mediation might help her see your side a bit bettter with the help of the mediator explaining why you aren’t unreasonable

    i hope my post doesn’t sound waffly.

    #7657 Report

    Cliveceltic
    Participant

    I guess they are covering their backs for the potential law suit if someone with an under 8 lived there and had an accident on the balcony.  Owning and renting are worlds apart.

    #7655 Report

    Cliveceltic
    Participant

    Similar to me a few years ago now.  Kids were a bit older, 2 and 5, and after being unemployed i was about to start a new job the week he announced he was leaving.  He had decided.  I hadn’t agreed and wanted to try and work things out.  He went away for the weekend and i put off telling anyone but i soon got texts from some of our friends saying they were sorry to hear about our split so i realised there was no changing his mind.  We still got on and he took a while to find a flat and move out.  We have a very amicable relationship but it has been really hard.  Especially as he soon moved on and found a new partner and soon had a new baby on the way.  This wasn’t already going on, but he had the time to go out and meat people once he was on his own.  We share care with the children. It was about 70/30 due to his work pattern but is about 50/50 now.  I hate not having the kids but I’m shattered so need the break, but don’t do an awful lot with myself.  I still feel hurt, 3 Years later, and do often feel envious of his new relationship when i see photos of my kids on FB with their new extended family.    Hopefully I will feel able to move on at some point.

    I can’t offer and words of wisdom other than knowing that there are lots of us going through similar.  Surround yourself with your friends – you soon find out who they really are.  Make sure you sort out some support for you physically, emotionally and financially.

     

    xxx

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