[ApplePie]

Hi, I have some similarities and agree with the poster above. In my experience if you give in it will be a slippery slope asking for more, eg. more time to play, more in-game credit (vbucks), access to the text and voice chat, access to go online on set days and times for special events, etc. When I agreed to a console I didn’t know all this was going to come and am still finding out new things. Mine also plays me off against the other parent and even the grandparents who all give unlimited time at theirs and return an overstimulated impatient anxious child. In my opinion it’s had a massive negative impact on education and other interests. It’s not scientific but my observation is the children thriving in the class have no or very limited access to devices, and those that seem struggling (now including mine) are those with the most access or unlimited screen time. It’s something I’m struggling to control now and am also here for help, but I strongly recommend you stay firm about no Xbox and once that becomes clear hopefully he’ll come to you with the mindset knowing that for those days/hours with you it will be offline. It will do him good especially to balance out the unlimited screen time the other parent is allowing. You clearly care and are trying to balance what you know is good parenting with having a positive relationship. It’s really tough but trust your instincts and know you aren’t in it alone.

[ApplePie]

Hi, I’m dealing with an overseas resident father too. I got the child maintenance arranged in his country of residency so I recommend looking into your options to do that in the country he is in. It worked out better for me then doing it in UK which would have been lower amount and difficult to enforce abroad. I used a UK lawyer who had some experience in that country and connected me with a local lawyer there to advise me. Happy to share a bit more if you want to private message me.

• This reply was modified 12 months ago by ApplePie.

[ApplePie]

This has similarities to my situation. I’m supposed to receive a similar amount but have a similar outcome to you where he makes deductions and I end up receiving less and covering more of their expenses myself.

Please excuse my naivety but why does he have a credit card that is paid out of your bank account? That suggests he can rack up charges without your consent and you have to pay, which it sounds like he is already doing. Could you cancel that?

It sounds like you have different understanding of what the £1k is for, so you expect the £1k is a contribution from him to cover the expenses that you incur for the children when they are with you, and you expect him to cover all their expenses when they are with him, whereas he expects the £1k to cover all expenses for the children irrespective of who they are with hence is making deductions to claw back from the pot of £1k when he incurs expenses for them. Is that assessment right?

I think he shouldn’t be able to freely access the £1k pot via credit card because as the resident parent you will incur expenses that need to be paid with the certainty that he is making this regular contribution, not the uncertainty that he will rack up credit card expenses and deduct from that pot each month. However based on my experience he may find another way to get the outcome he wants.

My suggestion is to do some calculations and figure out what’s overall more fair to you both. E.g. if he has the kids 1 week one month then he can deduct one-quarter of the £1k the next month. Adjust this amount for any non-cancellable costs you’re going to incur for the children even if they aren’t with you. Eg he still has to pay towards a missed swimming lesson or their portion of accommodation for that time. It’s not perfect but it’s more predictable for you and means the deductions are based on time, not how lavish a weekend he spends with them on fine dining etc.

I hope that helps a bit and I’d love to hear if anyone has better ideas as I have similar predicament and feel blindsided when less or no money arrives some months and I have full bills to cover.

 

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