[Nelja]

Hello! It sounds like a very tough situation. I don’t know the answer, just here to say that you are doing great just by trying your best. My mum was a single mum, working night shifts so she could take me to nursery during the day. It wasn’t easy, and I remember being alone a lot, while she collapsed of exhaustion on the sofa. As an adult and a mum myself, I am very grateful for all that she has done for me though sometimes, I did not express it very well. I am in a low paid job at the moment which I love and have amazing colleagues. More income would be nice, especially because my ex does not contribute at all and left me with a loan to pay. But the job allows me to drop my son off in breakfast club and the office ladies look after him until I get there to pick him up so I don’t need to pay club in the afternoon. I don’t know, if it helps but could that be a solution.

[Nelja]

After my partner was arrested for hurting the children, I was able to take his name off everything without any problems. He’s been out of work for years, and did not contribute so it was easy. The children cried and wanted him back but after I explained to the them what has happened and they saw that hitting and shouting is not what normal families do, they stopped asking after him. It took about a week for them to completely stop talking about him. I do my best not to project my feelings towards their dad to them, and I asked every adult around me to stop me, if I do. By now, the children watched other dads being caring towards their children, they realised what being a dad means, and they don’t want their own dad back. I grew up without ever meeting my own dad but being taken care by an amazing step dad. You are doing the right thing keeping your children safe.

[Nelja]

Am I wrong to think that it is the other parent’s job to build a relationship? My ex did not make contact in the last six months, he is now trying to manipulate my daughter by directly messaging to her. My ex was arrested for hurting the children, he does not pay child maintenance and now he is allowed to message them directly, while the investigation is still going on. Mind blowing. If the children don’t want to be with him, I respect that. He can fight me, if he wants to. My life was hell with him, so if hell breaks loose, I know how that feels like already.

[Nelja]

Hi! I think, you trusted him enough. You are right to ask for child maintenance. What do your parents say?

[Nelja]

Hi! I’ve only just joined today so this might be a bit late. My ex was arrested for hurting the children and coercive control but from today, he is allowed to directly message them. He does not contribute to their lives financially at all and was out of work for over eight years while we were together (no benefits either as I worked full time). He is still allowed to show himself and upset them from time to time. I try my best to keep my emotions about my ex to myself but I do tell the children the truth about their dad. It hurts but they need to know. My eldest is actually able to shrug her shoulders and say “if he is not bothered, I am not bothered either”. I struggle financially, especially because he took out a huge loan in my name. As I can’t prove that it wasn’t me, I am paying it back at the same time as paying for everything else. I use this opportunity to teach my children about financial literacy, and I know that through all this, our bond is getting stronger. It is not easy but it is miles better than what we had before. Your daughter will know that you are the one who gave her absolute best.

[Nelja]

I’ve only just joined the community today and I want to say that I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I hope that the hearing went well.

[Nelja]

My son read The Christmas Pig by J. K. Rowling. It explores a separation from a child’s point of view. The book is more suitable for older children, though.

[Nelja]

I’ve only just joined this community today so my reply might come a bit late. Not me but my mum was in a similar situation. The only thing she regrets that she hasn’t spent more time with me. I haven’t met my dad until I was 30. I have never missed him but I missed my mum when she was depressed and distant. I also have a foster son. I gave him all the love that I wished I received from my mum. The boy is 21 now, and is an amazing human. I now have two on my own, recently single as ex hurt the kids physically and me emotionally. I spend every spare minute with them. Your children are fine without their dads but they are not fine without you. They need you.

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