[Mumoftwo1121]

Amber1 – I had a notification you wanted to add me as a friend, it’s been a while since I’ve been on here and it’s all changed. I can’t seem to find the request 🙁

[Mumoftwo1121]

Hi LuluT and Kasia,

Feeling lonely can be really tricky to navigate especially in the early stages. Your feelings are natural and you will question yourself a lot as to whether separation is the right thing. All I would say is try your hardest to push through those difficult times remind yourself of the positives in each day because it does get better; I promise you.

My children go to their dads every other weekend and although that sounds ideal, I spend from Friday to Monday on my own. At times it has been really hard, I’ve questioned myself just like you, I’ve been jealous at families together and not having that but in time it becomes easier and reflection is key.

I don’t know geographically where you are but if you want a chat please message me.

[Mumoftwo1121]

Hi Amber, I am sorry to hear you are feeling like this must be difficult.

my situation isn’t the same but similar, I have 2 children boy 12 and girl 9 and no longer in a relationship, I have a small circle of friends, one has just got married and the other has just had a baby. We used to always do things together at the weekends either with my children or when I don’t have them but since they’ve got their new lives I barely see them. I feel rejected, as whenever I have had a boyfriend my friends have always remained in my life and that’s never changed but I feel with my best friend who has just had a baby, I only ever see her when her boyfriend isn’t around so now I never see her at the weekends and she keeps me at a distance, I find it really strange 🙁

[Mumoftwo1121]

Hi Liane, I am pleased to read life is good. Hope the race went well 🙂

[Mumoftwo1121]

Morning, for younger children books are a really good tool to use to help explain things, revisiting things and reassurance. There are lots out there that too could look at. You’d be surprised at how much a book can help kids understand, process and sometimes ask questions.

As for 13 year old I would say be open and honest with them (depending on their level of understanding) about what you have tried to do to form a relationship. Don’t bad mouth their dad because that will make things worse for you in the long run. My advice goes back to if he isn’t bothered now, will he be bothered if they were there. Could your 13 year old write him a letter if you know an address or email? Maybe you could speak to their school and them for support to do some 1-2-1 work with your 13 year old (and younger children) to have a place where they can share their emotions and thoughts. If not, most secondary schools have a counsellor, they could maybe speak to them about this topic.

[Mumoftwo1121]

Message me directly if you would like to. I work with children and families and contact so happy to help.

[Mumoftwo1121]

Hi Carry, I cannot relate on a personal level but on a work level as such. What I would say is the actions/behaviour he is demonstrating now are likely to be the same even if he were the see the children. Put yourself in your kids shoes – if they were to spend time with him you risk them being ignored, fighting for his attention from the other kids/new partner, no stimulation or attention. In turn you being the safe person to them, they may start to show behaviours that are trauma related ie anger/aggression. As hard as it is being a parent and not having any respite, it could do them more damage and make parenting even harder for you.

[Mumoftwo1121]

Hi Mumzy87,

Firstly welcome, you’ve come to a place where there are so many people with their own journey, you included. It sounds like you have been through a lot during your marriage and recent relationship, whilst juggling motherhood. My inbox is always open, I hope you’ve had others message you privately as well.
All I will say is be kind to yourself always, find your inner strength, the love you have inside and your happiness. It’s there somewhere, you are the only one to change your mindset and focus on the positives x

[Mumoftwo1121]

Hi Rose94,

hopefully you can put your trust in cafcass to work out the best possible solution for your children. I would advise (as hard as it is) to build on your trust for your children’s father. I hear he is a narcissist and that isn’t going to be easy, I respect that but I get the vibe the lack of trust when they are with him consumes you. You can’t control what he does at his house. The fact it’s gone into the court arena and the judge has made you verbally agree, this should be put in the order something like “parents verbally agree not to the leave the children unsupervised”, so if he does do it and you know, he has still breached a court order and then you have to decide whether you stop contact, go to the police, contact social care or contact the court.

it’s ok to ‘rely’ on him, especially if you have no support. You are a human and there is only so much you can do. I am pleased to hear that you have taken some time off work, that you are acknowledging you need time which is positive, we all need to slow down sometimes. Does your work have any well-being benefits that you can access like counselling? Mine have 6 free sessions. It might be worth asking.

Sorry to hear you are feeling isolated that isn’t going to help. Talking to people really does help. Have you tried to see if there are any local groups that you could attend to make friends? Where are you living?

I can 100% tell you, you are not failing as a parent. You are doing your best in a difficult situation. Parenting is hard regardless, but add in children needs, ex partners, well being, work – it’s complex. Please do not be hard on yourself. Remind yourself of all the good that you do for the kids. You are trying to promote their contact with their father.

Keep going Rose94. You’ve got this.

[Mumoftwo1121]

I can’t see why you wouldn’t be able to take your son as contact will still be able to continue. What my worry would be is if you don’t get mothers consent or the judges permission,  mother could ring the police and you could be arrested for abduction (I’ve known of it to happen before, not personally but via a work family). Have you spoken to your cafcass worker about their views? Would they support you taking your child away?
the fact you have a hearing before the holiday I would encourage you to raise it with the judge, and maybe ask for a stipulation in the court order to say ‘father can take his son on holiday abroad for xyz (duration) at a time without mothers permission’ at least it’s court ordered – if you don’t ask, you don’t know

[Mumoftwo1121]

Hi Busman403, thank you for your message. I do need to have a good clear out which will help in terms of tidying up. I really wouldn’t ever want to rehome my dog, she is my world, that would always be last resort and the walks we have aren’t just for her but for my own well being aswell, sitting behind a computer for hours is not healthy so fresh air and walks together is my go to. I am really hard on myself, I always feel I can do better. Maybe that’s something I need to work on for my own well being. I believe and will take on the advice about scaling back, I think that would help me not feel so pressured and overwhelmed

[Mumoftwo1121]

Hi Lim2023, I am really sorry to hear what you are going through. What a wave of emotions you are battling whilst trying to be a Mum. Please do not be hard on yourself. This is not your fault, remind yourself of this. access as much support as you can, speak to anyone and everyone you feel you can, remember it is ok to not be ok, it’s about what you do to address how you feel. You are more than welcome to message me privately (if this is an option I’m new to gingerbread) if you ever want to talk/vent/rant (anything). Time is a healer as they say

[Mumoftwo1121]

Hi Rogue2014,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I think it will help so many parents out their that may feel frustrated or be losing hope on co-parenting.

I have been co-parenting for nearly 7 years now and whilst it’s been a bumpy ride my children’s contact has been consistent and we have had an amicable relationship since separation. The scariest part for me was moving on into a relationship, and finding someone who ‘accepts’ that I communicate with my children’s father and he is actively involved. I have had one relationships since the separation and jealousy was a significant feature (despite me setting out the scene at the beginning) because they see them as someone i have been intimate with whereas I see him as my children’s father. No matter what my children come first and that includes their relationship with their father. I wouldn’t ever not be amicable or communicate with him for a ‘new’ partner. They either accept the situation or not (sounds harsh in writing). Fortunately for me I have found a partner, we have been together for a year now and he accepts the situation with no difficulties. I started to give up hope, but I didn’t. My situation is very much like yours that I still have the full care of the children and the hard work lands on me.

I too am here for anyone or yourself about co parenting and willing to offer any advice or a chat.

[Mumoftwo1121]

Hi Rose, was your hearing today? If so, how did it go and what was the outcome?  Whilst I haven’t personally been through this, my advice is the following:
The main thing you have to consider is the safety of the children. Domestic abuse and leaving the children alone is not safe given the children’s ages. I understand you want them to have a relationship with their father, which they still can as long it is safe for them. Given your safety concerns, there is high chance that the courts order supervised or supported visits.

for yourself your well being is important, have you spoken to your gp about how you feel? Maybe consider counselling or medication? Affirmations daily are great, reminding yourself of all the good you do and are. When you say no support is that including family and friends? Is there no one that you could ask if you require respite?

[Mumoftwo1121]

It is always best to get written consent from the other parent with PR regardless of who the child lives with. Maybe you can propose a date/time the mother can celebrate the child’s birthday. You can evidence return flights to mother if necessary. Always weigh up the benefits to the child. If mother opposes and you don’t agree,  you could email the court requesting their permission to take him abroad again outlining the benefits to the holiday and what contact you are offering to make up time lose between child and mother (if any). Hope that helps

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