[Kathymumofone]

Hi,

I think you will lose £16.95 a week child benefit when your older child leaves full time education, so about £70 a month.  UC will reduce as well but I’m not sure by how much.  Put the change in circumstance in your journal.

If he is working full time, it is realistic that he should contribute to the household, at least to cover the reduction in your benefits. Suggest £150 a month or similar.  That should cover his food and hot water.

[Kathymumofone]

Sorry – a door slamming environment – wretched autocorrect !!

[Kathymumofone]

What are the arguments about? Is there a common theme that you can sort out?

 

If she’s pregnant, she’s probably thinking all the same worries as you are, so have you sat down and explained that you don’t want your children growing upon adopt slamming environment?  Told her that is a red line for you?
Have you both considered terminating the pregnancy if neither of you are happy?

[Kathymumofone]

I’ve been on my own since my son was 2. He’s now 15.

I went back to work full time, and used a childminder very close to my office. That meant I paid 8.30-6pm which was a lot but I scraped by. At the time I got child care vouchers. It would be the child care account now I guess.

Then when my son started school I moved job to one within 1o mins of the school. I dropped him off at 8.40 and was at my desk by nine. He went to after school club and I collected him at 5.45. It was always a bit of a rush but doable. Summer holidays, there was a council summer camp that he liked, and I covered the rest by sharing babysitting & annual leave with another single mum. It wasn’t all plain sailing but we managed.

Senior school got easier, he’s just finished his gcses, and I thought we were nearly there but I got made redundant on Friday.  So now, another challenge !

@jessica202  What sort of environment is best for you? What was your last job?  When you find work, can you find another single mum to share care with?  Single parents need to stick together to make it work.

[Kathymumofone]

Your relationship with your ex is over so I think you need to concentrate on rebuilding your relationship with your children.

I’d start with the basics, sending them birthday and Christmas cards and gifts , so they know you have not forgotten them, and still care.  Then create profiles on all the main social media platforms. Make yourself very easy to find and to contact.  Post cheerful material – things you’ve done at the weekend, places you’ve visited.

If either of them have their own social media pages, send each of them a message, saying you love them, you would love to see them when they are ready and you are there for them if they need you.

Regularly re-issue invitations, to their mum and to them directly. Offer to take them for a pizza or to see their gran, to give your ex a break. Offer to babysit etc.  Don’t hassle them but let them know the door is always open to reconnect. Don’t get angry.

Anyone going through a mental breakdown is ‘hard to live with’ and children can find it frightening and bewildering, so you are aiming to show them that your life now is calm, and friendly and without drama.  Good luck.

[Kathymumofone]

I separated from my ex when our son was 2 and my ex demanded 50:50, despite never having spent more than a few minutes a day alone with him.

It lasted one weekend. Ex discovered he had to feed/clean/change/entertain a lively 2 year old, and couldn’t go to the pub or play tennis or all the normal things he did at the weekends. He never mentioned 50:50 again 😊
For the last 11 years he has seen our son for 6 hours a week, on a Sunday afternoon.

So don’t assume what happens first will last, there seems to be a settling in period, while you both find a new normal.

[Kathymumofone]

What do you mean by the bare minimum? Have you put in a CMS claim?  If not, and he isn’t providing fair maintenance for your child, you need to put in a claim.

Five hours is a long journey for a four year old to do regularly so I can see the issue. Is there a direct train route? Tickets booked in advance are often a lot less expensive so that may be a possibility. He could choose a regular weekend, buy his ticket in advance, travel up Friday, back Sunday, giving him two days with little one, until he moves closer.

Or is there somewhere you could meet half way for a day out?

[Kathymumofone]

Yes, I can imagine.

My mum wasn’t exactly mother of the year either. She couldn’t wait to get rid of me. But in an odd way that has helped. I’ve been a single mum for 12 years and I’ve used the way my mum made me feel as motivation to get it right with my son.  Lots of hugs, support, careful listening to his views and hopes. Protecting him, not allowing anyone to come between us, helping with homework, making sure he always has the right kit (if not the most expensive). Ensuring he can swim and ride a bike so he can join in with other kids.  Teaching him to be considerate and think of others.

Being on your own does allow you to make the choices you think are best, without having to compromise. My ex was a drinker and I’m relieved he now has little influence over our son.

You will be absolutely fine if you go on instinct. Lots of advice here and on other fora. You aren’t on your own. We all do a much better job than the press give us credit for.

[Kathymumofone]

You aren’t in the wrong. Your wife is using your children to blackmail you. I’d send her an email with your calculations and then stop paying her anything. She can go to the CMS if she wishes. But keep a record of all the vile messages, and of the nights your children spend with you.

 

I think you need to sit down with your kids and have an open conversation about money, budgeting and the cost of living crisis.  Yes their mum may be grumbling about money but you are struggling too.  They are old enough to understand and will probably appreciate that you have been honest with them. Keep it calm, factual and not apportioning blame. Reassure them that it will all be ok, but it might involve everyone tightening their belts slightly to make it work.

I recently did the same with my 15yo and it has helped a lot.

[Kathymumofone]

Yes, I’d arrange to meet in a public place, and maybe have someone you trust in the venue (cafe?) for support and a bit of confidence.

The thing is, your little one has a right to know her dad, so keep that as your ideal outcome. You need to offer him access, starting gradually and IF he is reliable, caring to his child and non-abusive to you, building that relationship and trust until both you and your little one are happy for him to have sole charge for an hour or two, giving you a little downtime.

It’s a challenging situation for you all, so go in with an open mind, but if he tries to bully you on money or he doesn’t show up, leave, make a note of what happened and be less accommodating in future.  If he doesn’t show or tries to bully you three times, I’d stop contact and let him take you to mediation/court where you will be able to express your concerns.

The thing is you have 18 years of co-parenting to get through so it’s a good idea to try for a few basic ground rules. Good luck

[Kathymumofone]

Wow, your mum is a piece of work, isn’t she !

 

But never mind. What she thinks is not important. Basics first.

Have you contacted the housing department? Explained that your Mum has kicked you both out, irreconcilable differences, and you are currently in an AirBnB.

Have you gone on ‘Entitled to’ and checked that you are getting all the benefits available to you?

Having social services involved at this stage is no bad thing. They will see for themselves, you are a loving mum, your daughter is in good hands, your mum is being disingenuous, and that should help with your claim for housing.  Keep all the texts from your mum, as they will help explain the situation.

Your foster carers are being kind but they may need to make you homeless, to force the council to house you both. Just make sure the council is aware of your situation.

Do you work? What is your longer term plan?  Childcare?  Where is Bea’s dad in all this?

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