[Honour Twigg]

I see what you’re saying. My intention was certainly not to incite extortion or weaponise the children. My own situation has been about deciding what’s best for the children – 100%. I think it’s so easy project your own experiences onto others, perhaps that is what’s I did here.  The tricky part comes when you get given the advice (from multiple sources and legal professionals) that 50/50 doesn’t work and isn’t in the children’s best interests. You’ll be pleased to hear that even so I am doing my best to make 50/50 work well for my own kids, with their best interests guiding everything, while keeping an open mind to this potentially changing in the future if it doesn’t work out. But this isn’t about me, or anyone other than Parentquant, who I hope is feeling more confident about handling this tricky situation.

[Honour Twigg]

No offence meant – and any financial slant was in answer to the financial basis of Parentquant’s question. I absolutely agree that every child has a right to both parents and that it should all be about what’s best for the children. You sound like a good father who isn’t financially motivated. There are some out there who are not like you, and who are pushing against the mother’s view as to what’s best for the children with considerable financial force. Particularly those fathers who have self-motivated and controlling behaviour patterns, and wives who’ve learnt to back down to keep the peace. It was that issue I was sharing my own practical experience about – not trying to negotiate unfair financial gain, advocate for anything other than what’s best for the children, or get anyone’s backs up. Not my style at all. In this online community we’re all in it together and although united by our situation, each of our positions is very individual. I’m really happy to hear your child had no issues with bed hopping, it sounds like everything has worked out well.

[Honour Twigg]

Frankly, he’s not allowed to! You can get loads of free advice at your local citizen’s advice bureau – y0u don’t need to go in just call them – and family divorce lawyers usually give an hour’s free advice. You could also call a mediator to get their advice – for an initial enquiry you won’t be charged. I felt like this too, and that I would have to take the entire ‘hit’ but the legal reality is very different. Get yourself informed – he is clearly not a reliable source on this matter! You can do this.

[Honour Twigg]

P.S. I am starting to learn about narcissists – sounds like you might have one on your hands too!

[Honour Twigg]

Very sensible! So glad to pass on some learnings – feeling lost myself in the maze of my marriage ending, helping someone else has made me feel better. Thank you for letting me know.
Today I’m reminding myself that my one job is to love my children so that they know it. The rest is up to them and so many other factors. I have to watch this again – https://www.ted.com/talks/yuko_munakata_why_most_parenting_advice_is_wrong

[Honour Twigg]

Apologies – only speaking about SEND from my own experience – I realise it might not apply to you and your children.

[Honour Twigg]

Hi Rainbowson1, this is horrific. I really feel for you, and your children – who will in time come to know the truth. The more consistent, calm and loving you can be, focussing on their wellbeing not his attempts at triggering you for drama, the more you will be the anchor they need right now and in the future. The solidity of your love for them will show up in contrast to his choices. You have every right to be angry at him, and the narrative that women shouldn’t express anger is an absolute prison and it’s completely OK to show it – your children will be angry too and you can give them permission to normalise their feelings of anger also. Own your anger, you have every right to it, it is not a weapon to be used against you. Apologise where you need to, for any ways you expressed it that were potentially upsetting or inappropriate, but you don’t need to apologise for being angry. Maybe you and your kids could have an anger party where you hit pillows, smash eggs on the pavement, scream it out in one sanctioned 5 minute burst! Or go for an angry walk when you’re allowed to stamp and kick weeds and roll on the ground, releasing it in a safe way, together.

[Honour Twigg]

Hi Parentquant – also separating, so I completely empathise.

A couple of pieces of advice I’ve been given –

1. Do not move out – it can be taken as deserting the children. Unless you are unsafe there, in which case you need to take a different route and proper advice. After a split, cohabiting is really hard, I know! But as his disposable income is greater he can afford to rent more than you. If he can’t stand cohabiting he can move out. My ex and I have been alternating nights on the sofa or our double bed. We’re about to start nesting – where the children stay in the family home, and the parents come and go, staying with friends or family while the other parent is in the home and solely responsible for the children on that day.

2. Have you agreed a parenting plan? Which days/nights the children will be with you, and with him? It’s quite hard to split a week or a month into exactly 50/50, and having them even slightly more would be in your favour, unless he has evidence to suggest you shouldn’t, in which case that evidence would be used for him to stop you having access anyway and he wouldn’t have agreed to 50/50. If you can get him to agree to 3 week nights with you, 2 with him, and alternate weekends, you will have them 2 days a month more. If he’s pushing for 50/50 it’s probably financially motivated, and I’ve been advised it is the rare father that sustains it (their words not mine!) Another way to make the 50/50 split less palatable is to make the point that bed-hopping in the school week is unsettling and not in the children’s best interest – more so than ever for a child with additional needs – and to suggest one of you has them on school nights, and one at weekends. Forever. That put things in a different light in my negotiations. By leading with what’s best for the children, backed up by expert advice as Phoebe says (I also spoke to my daughter’s SENCO at school to get their input) you’ll quickly see how keen he is to really care for the children half the time.

3. 26K is a decent wage for someone caring for two kids, again especially if they have SEND. I imagine you have taken a job with that salary to fit in around your family’s needs, enabling him to progress his career and earn more than three times your salary. Of course, going it alone with the kids, you will want to ensure you have enough money coming in – but is starting a new job, with all the stress and delay that causes – going to be in the best interests of your children as they deal with the split? Financial plans should be made based on the situation now, not a prospective future, on what’s worked for you as a mother for this long. We could all go and get brilliantly paid jobs and rake it in if we didn’t have children to look after with or without complex needs – or if we had wives to do it for us!

I absolutely started out thinking the same as you – I have to leave the home, I have to get a better paid and more secure job. That is because I have always flexed and adapted and carried the burden of responsibilities to make things work for my family. Getting good legal advice (you can get an hour free usually) has shown me that this is the narrative that I’ve been trapped in, and it’s not all on me to make this work out for the best.  Good luck. You can do hard things! (P.S. Read Glennon Doyle’s Untamed, she’s really helpful in this situation, and fun to read x)

[Author]

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