[Ch81]

I would give little to no correspondence to this person. Silent treatment is the method I have found works best. I either don’t respond to his demands or if I do it’s minimal and a few days later. In the past I have engaged in arguments via text but it’s fruitless and actually enables the abusive behaviour. Lastly consistency in your handling of him is really important.

[Ch81]

Hi

The legal threats are all part of the abuse. It’s upsetting and controlling, particularly when you’re vulnerable after the split. Don’t worry too much, it may never materialise. But if it does you will deal with it and get your opinion across for the sake of your children. My time in court was really hard but actually they sorted out what we probably never would have.

[Ch81]

Hi

I personally couldn’t face staying in the family home after my abusive marriage came to an end. It was on the market within a month and luckily sold quickly. I bought a house in my sole name, you’d be surprised at the mortgage you can get on part time hours!!I’ve moved on in a different house which crucially is my territory not his, he has never crossed the threshold and never will. Good luck xx

[Ch81]

Hi

I have had a nightmare with getting any child maintenance out of the kids dad for years. CMS don’t really have any powers to deal with parents who do their best to wriggle out of paying. In my situation he changes jobs, goes on benefits, changes address, changes appearance, and generally ignores any correspondence. They have had numerous failed deductions orders, there is a liability order, they have sent bailiffs. But actually none of it gets me anywhere. I never bother contacting CMS nowadays, it just adds stress to my plate for no gain!

I don’t rely on him and tbh never could. Good luck with it

[Ch81]

Hi

My kids dad cancels contact at the last minute quite frequently and lives a bitof a chaotic lifestyle with differentpartners/addresses. My kids are primary school age, but tbh don’t really bat an eyelid at any of the above now. It’s become normal to them, however I make it my mission to provide a stable home and lifestyle for them. They sometimes seek reassurance by saying they don’t want to move from our house. However, that being said their dad does love them and wants to see them, which is great for the kids.

I realised a long time ago that I can’t change their dad’s behaviour, but what I can do is limit his impact on us. Good luck xx

[Ch81]

I agree with Gingerbreadmum, family court was the worst experience of my life too!3 hearings in total, it was awful.

My advice is arrange alternate 1 night weekends, i.e pick up Saturday morning drop off Sunday teatime. That way it’s only 2 nights a month, but sell it as 4 days a month. He gets time with the kids, you get a break. It is hard but you and the kids will get used to it, mine were 15 months and 3 yrs old when they went for 2 night alternate weekends. The youngest had never lived with the dad. But they and I got through it. You will too. Best wishes xx

[Ch81]

Keep busy, focus on your children, get fit, read, learn etc etc. And don’t feel like you can’t be happy unless you’re with someone. We make our own happiness!also some advice a friend gave to me after my divorce…..whose to say these ‘happy’ couples we see everywhere are what they seem???chin up xx

[Ch81]

Same town. But I never get involved in picks up/drop offs. It’s his contact, he has to come to us. Also I never deviate from the order, as much as he tries to convince me swap around. He wanted the order, he can stick to it is my opinion.

The hardest thing about court is having 3 strangers (magistrates) decide on your kids’ contact, whom they have and never will meet. However it has been good in that I can now plan our lives around the order. He often threatens to take me back to court, all part of his abuse to this day. I know he couldn’t afford it now. I brush off his threats nowadays.

[Ch81]

Hi

Sorry you’re experiencing this. My kids dad took me to court for 50/50, kids were 1 and 3 at the time. He was awarded alternate 46 hr weekends and every wed teatime 3 hrs.

Tbh he can barely manage what he was awarded, drops contact at the last minute, always wanting to rearrange (I don’t budge on days). I naively thought the overnights would build slowly, seeing as he had never lived with the youngest child, and had not had the oldest overnight for over a year. I was wrong, by the time my youngest was 14 months old both kids were on full court order contact, i.e fri&sat nights alternate wks.

It’s a v hard process but you will get through it, my guess is he is going for 50/50 with the actual goal being alternate w/e – aim high is often the advice. Good luck xx

I

[Ch81]

I would think that would be classed as controlling behaviour towards you. An hour and a half’s drive is not exactly the other side of the world is it?read up on past legal cases, there was one I recall where a judge allowed a mother to move back home to South Africa with her children because all her family and support were there.

And why should you drive the kids to his contact?I have never done the pick ups/drop offs for his contact because its precisely that – his contact!if he can’t make it at 6pm on alternate Fridays he has to come at 10am on the Saturday. I’m very rigid with him!

Regarding the house, why should you get a quarter?you have to start again, look at school catchments, get some house brochures, build an argument for more equity for you to set up home in the lifestyle your children are accustomed to. I asked for 3/4 and the divorce judge approved it because of the argument I put forward.

My exs family have never spoke to me since the day he left, it used to upset me but now I love it. Never liked them anyway. His mother wouldn’t dare come to pick the kids up,  she knows I would have a lot to say!

I have had these tough times and got through it, so can you. Here if you want to chat privately xx

[Ch81]

Starting the divorce is the hardest part, it’s final, there is no going back. But it also brings freedom and for me it meant my kids and I could buy a new house and start again.

The new house was so important to us moving on, a new chapter with new memories to make, security and our own territory. If we had stayed in the marital home like the ex wanted I’ve no doubt he would have wanted to come inside at drop off/pick ups. He has never stepped over the threshold here, it is our house and that divide is so important in moving on. I would encourage you to find a kick ass solicitor and let then guide you through it. I certainly have no regrets over legally ridding myself of him!

[Ch81]

Hi

I’ve been experiencing similar problems for the last 6 years. He changes jobs, addresses, appearance, goes on and off benefits. Makes it really hard for CMS to pin him down. They took it to court, there is a liability order, theyve had 4 failed deductions orders, they recently sent bailiffs for the first time.

In reality if these people have the inclination to wriggle out of paying they will. I’ve come to a better place in my thinking and have accepted he will never pay as he should. All very wrong but I know I do my best for the children and it gives me peace. Good luck xx

[Ch81]

Hi

I’m really sorry for your situation. This happened to me, I was pregnant at the time with a toddler. It really is the end of life as you know it but I promise it gets better. If I could dig myself out of such an awful situation you can too.

You will carve out a new life for you and your kids, remember they need you and will force you to get up and out everyday. My kids have been my saviours!!Good luck to you xx

[Ch81]

Hi

I was under the impression that free school meals are standard if claiming UC/tax credits but it’s not. I receive tax credits, work 18 hrs p/w and receive zero child maintenance. I applied for school dinners last summer but was refused, I appealed the decision but was denied. I send my son with sandwiches and will do the same with my daughter when she’s junior age. The council advised lobbying the local MP as they didn’t agree I could get free prescriptions but not school dinners.

[Ch81]

Hi!

My kids dad is similar in that he can be ok for a while which lulls me into a false sense of security, then he’ll rear up and be the most unreasonable, angry individual on the planet!it’s usually due to something going wrong in his life, like losing his job, splitting up with a girlfriend, money problems etc but he takes it out on me. Or he can be showing off to a new girlfriend by trying to exert power over me re contact. He almost always shows off around Xmas or summer hols.

Anyway the court order he obtained 6 years ago is a joke. He doesn’t stick to it, rings me at the last minute and says he’s ‘ill’ and I have to scramble for childcare so I can go to work. This happens too frequently to be acceptable. Court orders are not worth the paper they are written on. They are only enforceable if you go back to court and who can afford that?

My biggest tip is to use a different phone for the nightmare ex. No more irate texts coming through all night!I just turn it on when the kids are on contact then turn it off when they get home. I just can’t let the kids see the other phone, they’d blab I bet!!

 

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