Forum Replies Created
29 February 2020 at 9:05 pm #37267
I am so sorry that you are feeling suicidal. Please go to your doctor and explain what is happening. The fact that you have already attempted suicide indicates you need support at the moment. Your doctor should put you in touch with a crisis team to help you through this. From what you have said, your girlfriend is also vulnerable. At this time, you both need to focus on your own difficulties. Because neither of you are currently feeling strong enough to help each other.
Applying for custody is obviously going to be the way forward for you. But, you need to be in a good place if you are responsible for the care of your child. Otherwise, you will find it overwhelming. Do you have family you can turn to for support? The relationship with your girlfriend is new and it must be incredibly difficult for both of you to develop a loving relationship whilst you are under all this pressure.
Have you thought about maybe seeing each other just for a date or something like that, where you can both relax. If the relationship is as intense as it appears to be, you both might find the pressure too much. How about just seeing each other at the weekend, and then just enjoying the time together?
Once you have support from your GP, you should find it easier to deal with the custody issues. It must be so hard not to see your son. I would suggest that you ensure you are paying maintenance and meeting his needs in any way possible. Your ex partner is far more likely to cooperate with you if you are doing your share. Though you are not with your son, you are still there for your son. As he gets older, he will know that you care. But firstly, you have to ensure you will be there…that is, not ending your life! That is the most important issue….the rest will come.
Best wishes29 February 2020 at 7:29 pm #37265
I notice you mention that your wife suffers from paranoia and anxiety. Is this a medical diagnosis? An acrimonious divorce is likely to make this condition worse, if that is the case. If you are able to act as calmly as possible then it may defuse the situation. You may even want to try mediation. I fear you are correct in your view that you will be throwing a lot of cash at this for a long time. You mention the lawyers are “fab”. They are paid to act in your interest. They will be very happy to continue to take your money for as long as you have any to spend on this. If your wife has any money, the lawyers will be only too happy to take all she has to act in her best interests.
You are asking for help from this site. You are getting help from your lawyers, so I take it you are looking for some other form of help. As no-one who sees your comments could possibly know the full details you will simply get an opinion, maybe based on someone’s experience.
The advice I would give to you would be to look at the only thing you now have in common – your children. I am assuming that both you and your wife believe you have their best interests at heart. So now is the time to work together so that the children have the benefit of you both in a positive way. Try building something, not tearing something down. Use “positive” words rather than “negative”. Keep to “facts” not “emotion”.
Your children have had access to two parents. This will continue to be the case unless one destroys the other. Because in the end, everyone suffers.
I am not certain what you were hoping to hear. But I would suggest you make a care plan for your children in which you put in as many resources as you can. The more you can do for them the more they will realise you care for them, in spite of what is said about you. And it is always good to remember that being a single parent is hard work. Your support for your wife, especially if she has mental health issues, is going to make life easier for your children and for yourself. I do not know the age of your children, but I can tell you from experience, that one day they will be adults and they will decide whether they want to see you or not. How you act now will be fundamental in achieving a good relationship with them in the future.
I hope at least some of this will be helpful to you.
Best wishes to you and your family.29 February 2020 at 6:44 pm #37263
The question is “What is reasonable?” It’s all a matter of perspective. I suppose you could consider mediation. This way you could discuss your ideas with a third party present, thus keeping everything civil. Worth a go?
You are obviously putting your children’s needs first, so well done to you for that. But maybe mediation could take the edge of things for you. It’s hard to keep a cool head when emotions run high. And, sometimes emotions do run high.
Best wishes to you29 February 2020 at 6:30 pm #37260
Just hearing from others who are single parents makes me feel less lonely! I wish there was a Gingerbread group meeting up in Hereford. I would join it! But this is good, anyway. Sometimes it can feel like you are the only one dealing with life’s problems. But it turns out there are lots of single parents bringing up their children without any support. Getting help can be very time consuming and difficult. With the constant cut backs in charities and services, I wonder how some people are coping at all. I know I for one have had to reach out to food banks, and that is certainly something I never thought would happen to me. Recently I have been thinking that there has to be a better way. It makes me feel very sad to see vulnerable people suffering. When I get things more together for myself and my son, I will think about starting up some sort of group to help support single parents local to me. Help seems to be “bitty” and hard to come by in my locality. Getting legal representation is out of the reach of people who are vulnerable and lack resources. I also feel that those who have suffered domestic abuse are often unsupported due to lack of resources and the burden of proof so often difficult to achieve. I have been encouraged by reading people’s comments on this site. Best wishes to you all.29 February 2020 at 3:45 pm #37255
I’m a single mother in Hereford too! I agree with you that it can get lonely. Of course there are a lot of things you can do but sometimes those things don’t quite fill the loneliness. Sometimes you need people who can really understand how hard it is to be a single parent. You did very well to deal with the bat in the cupboard all by yourself! Did you take a picture of it? I have had to deal with rats, magpies and stray cats through the cat flap, but not a batty bat!
Were you affected by the recent flooding? For the first time ever, we shared more of the Wye than we would have liked. Still, the fire brigade were very nice!
Best wishes to you.29 February 2020 at 3:28 pm #37254
Hi, I am new to this site, though I have been a single mother for many years now. I think it is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my life. It has been very hard to stay positive and I admit that many times I have been unable to do so. Reaching out to Gingerbread is an attempt to find ways of coping when things seem impossible alone. Best wishes to all of you on this site.