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  • #12361 Report

    Peanut321
    Participant

    Yes it will go down to just over £100 a month as I will have to use the breakfast club.

    At the moment it just feels like he lumped me with the full responsibility and to keep a roof over her head when he couldn’t, so I had to take control when he couldn’t, and now I have to give up even more of my time and money so that they can see each other. There’s so much to consider I don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong any more.

    #12356 Report

    Peanut321
    Participant

    Hi there. Thanks for your reply, I appreciate you taking the time to read my post and respond. There always are 2 sides to every story as you know and I well appreciate. I wouldn’t worry about my self reflection as I’ve spent a lot of time feeling guilty, wondering whether I did the right thing, and attempting to negotiate with him about what to do, which is why I have asked for advice here. Reading the post back, it does look like I’m blaming him for everything which is ironic, so I understand your response! I saw it that I was forced to move. I pushed to get 50/50 on the time with our child and he didn’t want that, only had one day a week with her, and what was happening was a completely unworkable situation I think, but that’s a matter of opinion. He or his parents pay £120 every 1 or 2 months to visit on a weekend (depending on accommodation costs) and I pay a few hundred a month on childcare which he doesn’t contribute to. So I suppose you are right in that morally it equals out and at least I get the £7 a week from him which helps, but such high costs worry me if I will have to pay for the travel as well. It’s useful to hear about what other people do, as all I know is what my child can put up with as a daily routine and beyond. More thinking is needed…

    #12259 Report

    Peanut321
    Participant

    Hello

    I’m in the same situation. You are right to go to the CMS. Things need to be negotiated and not just on his terms. It sounds like he is trying to wear you down so he can get his own way. You are right about the kids needing routine.  Like me, you might end up being the ‘bad guy’ in his opinion but actually you are doing what is best for the kids. I have let my ex know that I won’t respond when he swears at me or insults me and hopefully he will see that sort of behaviour won’t get him anywhere. He’s moved on so the situation has to change. Keep on doing the right thing x

    #12258 Report

    Peanut321
    Participant

    Yep been/going through exactly the same thing. When your child is three, apply for the 30 free hours nursery entitlement. That saved my life as up until then even working full time I was eating into my savings. Definitely get something from the father – child maintenance plus half the nursery costs if you can, and if he can’t afford much at least you can negotiate down. See if you are entitled to working tax credits. They can pay up to 70% of nursery fees. I also got everything of value together in my house and sold the stuff on Shpock/eBay/car boot sale etc. It might not be what you want to do but it was good for me as I cleared out some clutter, made some cash and felt like I was starting anew. I got a water meter, switched gas suppliers and petitioned my letting agents not to increase my rent to save money day to day. Check out Money Saving Expert online which is good for saving money and also freecycle. Try and make a budget plan up until your child starts school so you can see where you will be at with finances. Have you got friends around or support groups you can go to? Good luck.

    #12223 Report

    Peanut321
    Participant

    At least the kids are older and you can focus on yourself – a lot of us still battle with child arrangements etc. It could be a new and exciting time for you which your kids can help you with – choosing the paint colour in your new kitchen etc. The little things! I know it doesn’t feel like it now but you do have a strong identity as a single person and that will manifest itself over the next few months. I think the majority of users of this website have had a similar thing happen to them so keep posting and take all the advice you can. And I know it sounds silly but have a hot bath and try and relax and breathe x

    #12218 Report

    Peanut321
    Participant

    Hello

    You will survive 🙂

    I was told this by my ex as well, and it is devastating. I dropped two dress sizes and had hardly any food, energy or sleep for a few months. Your husband cannot expect to be keep in the same house, have all the freedom he wants, to live in the same way, torturing you to save his own embarrassment. That’s unfair and disrespectful to you. It is NOT an arrangement you should want or should accept, and it never works. What are the kids supposed to think in a situation like that? In my ex’s words ‘I want to have my cake and eat it.’ No way Jose. Do not let him walk all over you. Get to a solicitor as soon as you can and log the date you have separated. Ask him to start divorce proceedings now as he is the one wanting to do it, as it can be a long and expensive process (he will most likely give many excuses not to, because that means his life will have to change and he will have to put effort and money into something).

    In answer to your question, YES it gets better. A year and a half down the line, I am a stronger and more confident person and have completely got over him. Albeit I was with my ex 4 years which is not much in comparison with you, my parents are going through the tail end of a divorce – and the future that my mother has in front of her (she is 63 and they were married 35 years) is a happy one filled with family around her. She has a lot more things to look forward to and she is assertive and independent. The thing that has got us through our divorces are our friends. Do not feel embarrassed to cry and break down in front of them and believe me, they will support you and help you get through this.

    Hang in there. It takes time but if you have accepted the break up then the first stage is done. Let us know how it goes x

     

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