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  • #17008 Report

    elsie310
    Participant

    In the first instance, keep a record of everything. Dates and times, what she said and your son said, when you noticed the sores and whether they are worse than you’ve seen before, just write down as much as you can. Even if you think it’s petty, you can always cut bits out before showing anyone else. It also gives you a sense of control, and helps you build up a picture of her behaviour. Keep an eye on your children, and keep a record.

    #17007 Report

    elsie310
    Participant

    Have you contacted your local safeguarding board?

    #16704 Report

    elsie310
    Participant

    Hey, I did level 2 and about halfway through got offered a job in an Accountancy firm. Got me out of working at Asda! I went on to do level 3 but ended up leaving the job (and Accounts) for the first thing that came along because the boss was so horrible. Am trying to self study level 4 at home now but have lost motivation and actually really enjoy the job I’m doing now. I’d say it’s definitely worth it, and if you can go to college that’s the best way to do it as you will meet lots of new people too.

    #16703 Report

    elsie310
    Participant

    I’m in South Cumbria, although I don’t have a car so not much use! But hello!

    #7406 Report

    elsie310
    Participant

    Thankyou everyone for your kind words. The pain is just so unbearable at the moment, but I owe it to my son to make his life the best it can be despite his father. It’s remembering this in the darkest times. Thanks again to everyone xxx

    #6828 Report

    elsie310
    Participant

    I’m the same only I have some brilliant friends who have really helped me through it all. Do you drive? I don’t and find it very difficult to fill the time but I think planning the days is the way forward, that’s what I’m trying to do at the moment. Gather ideas of things you can do, either alone or going to local events etc. Maybe make a list so that you can all choose something when you’re stuck for things to do, that’s what I’m going to do. I also have depression and it’s very difficult to make yourself get out but if you don’t the grip is tighter and harder to shake off. The friendships will come when you get out and meet people.

    #6827 Report

    elsie310
    Participant

    Maybe you need to write down your options and see which one you feel most comfortable with at the moment. So maybe try talking to him could be an option, maybe not ideal if he’s emotionally abusive, but it’s still an option. Another could be moving out and staying with parents for a few nights, or asking him to move out, or seeking advice from someone else like your GP, citizens advice maybe? I’m not sure what to say as I was forced into the situation, but you have the time to think before you have to do anything, so take advantage of that. It is very scary, but you will get through it because you have to.

    #6819 Report

    elsie310
    Participant

    “<span style=”color: #1a1919; font-family: Lato, sans-serif; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: #fbfbfb;”> </span><span style=”color: #1a1919; font-family: Lato, sans-serif; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: #fbfbfb;”>I just hope one day he will feel a bit of the pain he has caused me, how can you hate them for what they have done but still love them, you can’t just forget 13 years??? Did he ever love me??” </span>

    Oh God those are all things that constantly go round in my head. It just rips you apart doesn’t it? It’s soul destroying. I think what I can see now is that I loved him with all my heart, and I still do (although it is definitely beginning to fade), but I thought for 12 years he felt the same way and clearly he didn’t. There’s just nothing he could say or do that would make things ok again, so there’s no point in him trying or in you or me torturing ourselves thinking about it.

    It’s so difficult because it is so recent for you, I don’t even think I picked my phone up for over a week I just couldn’t face anyone even via the Internet. But you have to try and take the focus away from him, and the way he has behaved, and focus on you and your kids and how you are going to get through this. Use your parents and friends if you can, even if they aren’t there call them, message them, don’t let the horrible thoughts go round and round until they get worse. Let them out.

    Its taken me this long to realise, and even then it was only when a friend spelled it out to me, you are not worth anything less because of the way he has treated you. If he had the best woman in the world, but failed to see she was the best woman in the world, it doesn’t make her any less, it only means he failed to see what he had. I hope that makes sense. Don’t allow yourself to think you were not good enough because he did not recognise how great you were.

    Now is the time to look after yourself and your kids. You’ve got one less person to worry about.

    #6817 Report

    elsie310
    Participant

    Where abouts are you? I’m in South Cumbria, recently single mum with a 4 year old son 😊

    #6816 Report

    elsie310
    Participant

    I’m 3 months in to a very similar situation, only my husband refused to leave our home so I have had to start again with nothing. You need to get some legal advice, ASAP. I saw a solicitor who did 30 minutes free, I think there are quite a few who do that. Citizen’s advice are also great to give you some advice.

    Have you got anyone around who can step in for the moment? Your parents or siblings or friends? I don’t think I was capable of doing anything the first few weeks, I just lay on the sofa sobbing while my mum took care of everything. At the moment you just need to get through the next hour, and anyone who can help you do that is someone to hold on to.

    Be very wary of any contact with your husband, try to go through other people for now until you start to feel stronger. It’s better than trying when you aren’t ready and ending up screaming at him all the time. That’s what I did.

    Mine also convinced me I was losing my mind, until I found out too. You have to cling onto the fact that you are better off without him. I never ever thought I could manage without him, but I HAD TO. I had no choice. And actually, it’s difficult to admit it, but I’m so proud of what I’ve done in the last 3 months. I’ve found somewhere for me and my son to live, furnished it, continued working and studying (I even got 94% in an exam 6 weeks after finding out what he’d done). You can do this, you will do this, you don’t think you can but you will have to and you will.

    Those kids obviously have a pretty shit father who is unable to put their needs before his own, and I’m sorry to say this but now you have to be twice the parent. Those kids need you. Friends and family are what will get you through. Stay strong and show that piece of crap what an idiot he’s been to throw away the best thing he’ll ever have.

    #6812 Report

    elsie310
    Participant

    Hi Dmp, thanks for the reply. I’m in south Cumbria, and yes, I honestly don’t know where I’d be if I hadn’t started studying as I’d previously given up pursuing a career so my husband could have one! I’ve never heard of geocaching, but I will google it now, thanks for the tip 😊 Three Kids sounds like a lot of work, although I guess they probably entertain each other and can help you out a bit more too. It’s difficult not to just stay in front of the tv all day, especially when you don’t have any plans!

    #6806 Report

    elsie310
    Participant

    It’s very difficult. I also cannot be bothered to concentrate on the TV. I do have college work to do, so when I can be motivated to do it that’s a good one. Could be worth looking into studying something to fill those nights. Or reading in general, I find it easier to concentrate on a book than the TV.

    #6805 Report

    elsie310
    Participant

    Focus on getting yourself somewhere to live (if you don’t already) that’s suitable for you and baby long term. Even if you decide to move you don’t want to be forced into moving with a new baby. Then when you’ve got that place focus on getting everything ready for baby, and plan how you’re going to manage financially and with childcare if you need to go back to work etc. Once you’ve got these main points sorted you will be better able to relax and enjoy the time with your baby. Your focus now is you and your baby, so try to distance yourself as much as you can from your ex’a problems and his ex partner.

    #6804 Report

    elsie310
    Participant

    I also struggle in the evening without my son. I think what makes it especially hard is that I’ve also gone from being with him every day to now having to let him go and see his Dad, even though he was the one who had an affair and chose to split up the family so horribly. It’s so difficult when you struggle to believe in yourself but you have got to start protecting yourself and doing things for yourself. Be grateful that she is allowing you to see them, even if it’s very difficult, focus on that ones good thing. I use the time when my son isn’t around to clean and tidy and generally sort things out so I can give him my full attention when I do have him. Im also at college one of those evenings, so I didn’t see him on that day even before we split up. Maybe you could start a college course? It definitely helps take your mind off things, and will hopefully enable you to have a better future and give your sons a better future too. Don’t let her take advantage of your good nature, I know how easy that is to say and how hard it is to do, but just be aware of what is right for you and your boys.

    #6148 Report

    elsie310
    Participant

    I feel the same way. I also discovered 2 months ago that my husband had been having an affair for 6 months. We’d been together for 12 years and I loved him more than anything. This was such a shock. The pain is unbearable. I honestly don’t know how to get through it. A lot of the time I think I cannot. So I don’t have any advice I’m afraid, but you are not alone. I keep hoping he will realise the mistake he has made, but I’m starting to wonder whether he’s even capable of seeing what he’s done. He’s lost the best thing he’ll ever have, his family, and nothing will ever replace that because it’s already tainted by what he’s done.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 15 total)