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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 21 total)
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  • #35388 Report

    ChasingHappiness
    Participant

    Hmm. Having a good lawyer is essential. Of you already have one, have they said what they think your chances of success are? My lawyer is brilliant but in the end she basically said once it goes to court I am likely to lose. My situation sounds identical to yours but at a slightly earlier stage. There is no reason for my ex not to win shared custody of my daughter, even though I don’t believe it to be in her best interest. He also had little involvement in her life until I divorced him. Now he is like the model dad… which is what I always hoped for! Wish it hadn’t taken divorce to bring it out in him. I’m trying to avoid court by negotiating outside of it through the lawyers, but it’s taken like 8 months and he still won’t agree. I think if you’re already at the stage of court, you may as well fight with all you’ve got. You have nothing to lose except for money, which you would lose anyway trying to come to an agreement with him outside of court. It doesn’t sound like he’s the kind of guy to give up easily.
    Best of luck x

    #34836 Report

    ChasingHappiness
    Participant

    This is a really shitty situation he has put you in.

    Being scared of being alone after a long relationship is totally normal, pregnant or not, so don’t think your only feeling this way because of the baby. The way I see it, if you abort the baby and then your partner still ends up leaving you two months down the line anyway… will you always regret having lost your baby? I never believed I could manage without my ex, he did everything of any importance and I was in charge of feeding and raising our daughter. But fast forward to now and  I am fine on my own. And you will be too. Baby or not, you’ll be ok. You’ve  got this, whatever you decide 👌🏻 Don’t be bullied into a decision by anybody else. Think of you. This is your baby.
    Best of luck x

    #33689 Report

    ChasingHappiness
    Participant

    Sometimes the tears will fall and that’s ok. It doesn’t make you weak or a bad mum. It’s survival.

    I find the loneliness the hardest part too. I have friends and family who are all supportive, but it’s not the same as having companionship from your loved one. I left my husband thinking that there was more to life and a greater love out there. We were best friends but nothing more. However, I was wrong to have left him. Your husband may get to this stage too eventually but by then you’ll be stronger, braver and will have well and truly moved on, and he will regret it. Till then, hold your head high and talk to people about how your feeling. Don’t bottle it up because it doesn’t help, trust me.

    If you ever fancy a chat then feel free to message me, hate to think of someone else struggling with loneliness too.

    #33688 Report

    ChasingHappiness
    Participant

    You probably won’t like reading this, but I offer an opinion from the other side of the coin.

    My husband and I separated and went for 50/50 custody, there or there abouts anyway. He has her for three evenings and I have her for four, although he is trying to fight me against that in court so that it’s exactly 50/50. My daughters father is a great dad. She loves him and him and I separating has absolutely solidified their relationship together. I would never want to deny him time with her, but I am asking him for maintenance. The reason being that he earns 3X my salary. I went partime once my daughter was born so that I could be there for her and so she didn’t have to go to nursery every day. It was an arrangement that worked well for us a family and my husband never objected it to it at the time, until we separated. I put my career on the back burner happily, to raise my girl. During that time he was able to have several pay rises. His overall pay now hugely exceeds my own. I don’t want his money for me. I want it for my daughter. On the days when I have her, I don’t want to have to avoid taking her to friends parties because I can’t afford to by a gift. I don’t want to avoid taking her to events because they cost too much money. I don’t want her to be the only one who isn’t allowed a bag of chips at the seaside. Literally, I am scraping the barrel to make ends meat and have had to deplete the savings we got from selling the family home just to get by.

    If your ex is asking you for money, could it be for the same reasons as I am asking my ex? I just don’t want my daughter to suffer or be left out.

    I have no idea of your personal situation and whether or not it mirrors mine and my ex husbands. I really do apologise if you’re not in the same boat as my ex and I, and this seems totally unreasonable. For all I know, you may be on the same wage as your wife, in which case things would be very different to my own circumstances. Either way, I hope not to have caused offence.

    #33540 Report

    ChasingHappiness
    Participant

    In my experience, friends genuinely have the best intentions but they don’t understand because they’ve never been through it themselves. They don’t and won’t understand any of this until they have lived it. I felt the same way you did and have distanced myself from my friends, but I’m not sure it’s helped. I feel more lonely than I did before. I don’t really know what the answer is, but I am sure you’ll regret pushing them away (I know I do). X

    #33517 Report

    ChasingHappiness
    Participant

    I hate to say it but if he isn’t interested now, don’t hold your breath that he will be later on incase he isn’t.  Make plans to raise your child on your own and realistically face and plan for all the financial commitments this will bring with it. I only say this because if you factor him into yours and baby’s survival and then he lets you down, you’ll be screwed. If you make plans on how you will manage without him and then he does come through for you both, you’ll be happily surprised. Go into it with your eyes open. You’ve got this.

    #33516 Report

    ChasingHappiness
    Participant

    I agree with Pumpkin62. Take the high ground and be the bigger person by ignoring it. Don’t rise to her attempts to piss you off, despite how much you want to. There’s a great deal of strength and power in simply walking away x

    #33515 Report

    ChasingHappiness
    Participant

    Chin up. The minefield that is bills and child maintenance etc does get easier to wrap your head around, in time. My advice would be; don’t try and conquer it all in one go, don’t beat yourself up for not feeling clear on it straight away, and tackle one thing at a time. I’ve been in my flat now for 5 months and am only just feeling as though I have got my head around it all.

    Best of luck!

    #31796 Report

    ChasingHappiness
    Participant

    Things will get better.

    Its ok to have days where you feel helpless… but you have three children so you know you have crack on for their sake.

    I have times when it all seems too much. Take each day as it comes and keep yourself busy.

    I hope it all works out for you

    #31174 Report

    ChasingHappiness
    Participant

    I have also found this a struggle! I have a career in education and although nobody has outright said it, it’s been made obvious that it’s frowned upon that I’m now separated. I have other separated friends who even put their wedding rings back on for meetings etc because it gives a better impression of them. When did being single and separated become such a taboo?! It really irritates me!

    #30906 Report

    ChasingHappiness
    Participant

    Let me know when you find a solution! I haven’t managed to figure it all out just yet. Being lonely is hard and being single sucks 🤷🏼‍♀️

    #30632 Report

    ChasingHappiness
    Participant

    Stick to your guns. You did this for a reason. You’re doing it for your boys to allow them to grow up in a happier environment, afterall having an alcoholic around isn’t a great role model. There will be days along the way where you feel lost, lonely and you regret asking him to leave… but in those moments, remind yourself of the bad times. Remind yourself of the emotional blackmail and how good it feels to be free from that side of things.

     

    You’ve got this 👍🏻

    #30621 Report

    ChasingHappiness
    Participant

    Yes this sounds familiar. I have the same issue. People always say ‘call me at any time’ and ‘pop round whenever’ but you can’t just show up and invite yourself in, particularly when they’re having quality family time.

    How often do you have your children?

    #30620 Report

    ChasingHappiness
    Participant

    Hi,

    Sorry to hear you are struggling. I can 100% empathise. My ex husband earns three times my wage and financially I’m totally screwed. He can offer my daughter so much more than I can financially and it makes me feel totally inadequate, even though I know that I’m the better parent in terms of day to day care/fun for my daughter.

    People tell me it gets easier but like you, I feel so overwhelmed. Do you have friends and family nearby to support you?

    I hope things work out for you 👌🏻

    #30357 Report

    ChasingHappiness
    Participant

    He’s being an arse.

    Dont give in. Stick to your guns. If he has a problem with it, let him be the one to make a child order to the courts (doubt he will as it’s huge hassle and costs a fortune). X

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 21 total)