Worried the will make my life hell – anxious & pregnant

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    Worriedmum2b30
    Participant

    Hello, I am 14 weeks pregnant and found out recently – it was with someone I did not know very well and happened after a one off mistake. I tried being with said man, but I felt uncomfortable around him and could not do it – I’ve explained this and he still keeps pushing. I’d like to address he lives 7 hours away and does not work, so his funds are limited (this is relevant later on).

    I can’t explain why, but I feel very uncomfortable around him and want to be alone, but he is acting very entitled to be at the first scan when it is causing me anxiety. I deal with high anxiety anyway so him being demanding is stressing me out because I also don’t want to be unfair but I don’t feel comfortable around this man.

    I want to go alone to the scans and not feel like I have to let him stay because he has travelled so long and I feel guilty and I am scared of making things mean between us or upsetting him where it will make custody a scary battle 😭

    he talks as if he will be with the baby as much as me but I don’t see how being he lives 7 hours away and I don’t want him in my home. I want him to visit when he can, but not force his way into my life too intensely and I don’t want to be around him all day for example because I don’t feel comfortable.

    I am scared what he will do 🙁 all he keeps doing is emphasising 50/50 rights but I don’t want a new born who I plan to breastfeed being taken from me all the time or have to deal with the anxiety it is giving me having him passive-aggressively assert himself and say what he can and can’t do.

    I just want to deal with hospital appointments alone, have my mum be my birth partner but have her switch at the end so he can see baby be born so it is fair even though this idea makes me feel awkward. I want to be as fair as possible and avoid any potential aggressive outcomes 🙁

    I am worried that asserting what I need now (to deal with scans alone, be alone) will make him and his family determined to cause me as much hassle and stress as possible. My ideal situation is to do the above and have him visit when he can for a few hours or a little bit more so he can bond with the baby but I don’t want him to be insistent on being there all the time and he can’t afford to be unless he stays with me and I feel sick at the idea.

    I am a mess right now and not sure if he will make this a scary legal battle. I am a very anxious person and just want to look after my own interests right now so I can deal with this pregnancy smoothly but am afraid of the consequences of this 🙁

    I also wish I could give baby my surname but feel forced into double barrel so I am not being ‘one of those women who juice their position’ and be unfair on dad 🙁

    I guess I needed to vent and ask if my requests are fair or if they really are horrible? Will he be able to take baby away 7 hours away overnight?! I feel sick with all this stress 🙁

    #60241 Report

    JuneB
    Participant

    It sounds really stressful for you but I’m so glad that you sound like you have a supportive mum by your side. What does she think? Has she met him? Im just wondering what kind of conversations have been had with the said biological father..is he trying to be supportive to you at all or is it he is just asserting his rights. It’s so difficult because as you say you don’t know him well and he has now become part of your life. You keep mentioning words like aggression, fear, uncomfortable and I wonder if you already have firm experience that this man is aggressive and what are his family like as you seem concerned about them too. If so you will need further advice as you need to keep yourself and the baby safe.

    If there are elements of him, his family  being supportive to you it may be that it would be helpful to have a conversation to set some boundaries down and get your mum to support you with having that conversation. If he is a decent person and his family are  they should respect that it is a difficult situation and you don’t really know each other and that of course is going to make you (and maybe even him) feel uncomfortable and anxious. If everyone concerned are good caring people it should be about you feeling as supported as possible throughout the pregnancy and the child is born and brought up in a loving environment

     A side note, it’s alright the dad saying he will be there 50% of the time but the reality is often different and as you said he lives 7hrs away.

    If you need advice gingerbread had advice line and resources of info so check them out and have a chat to your mum and anyone close to you about how you feel and what would support you through including possibility of having conversations with him and the family to try and have a good relationship with them. If they don’t respond positively then you may need more advice. As I said earlier,  If he is aggressive and/or controlling then make sure you seek advice and you will need more support with this as you and the baby need to be safe. Just look after yourself and think about your mental health at the moment. This is a big deal and you can speak to your doctor or see what other services are available to support you with your anxiety too. I ve definitely found extra counselling etc really has helped me through at difficult times. Take care X

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