Worried sick abusive ex

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  • #47266 Report

    ilovecake
    Participant

    To cut a very long story short I have been separated from my DD’s ex since not long after she was born, virtually everything he told me about himself turned out to be lies, his job, his family life, he’s pretended to have cancer twice, controlling, manipulative and abusive. Anyhow, he has never asked to see DD on her own so virtually every weekend contact is with me, it has been at my house or we meet up somewhere. Didn’t see her during the first lockdown because we virtually quarantined ourselves, he didn’t argue about this, and not once did he pick up the phone and call her or skype.  He has never suggested taking her anywhere or what to do the days he does see her, its all down to me. And he barely speaks or plays with her. Just talks about himself and makes it so hard. Since he started seeing her again I have not let him come into the house, I have absolutely no doubt he is not following the rules, whenhis area went into a high tier he lied amd pretended he wasn’t staying there (??!!). Every Christmas he tells me he is coming over, doesnt ask if its ok. This year he has actualy asked what is happening Christmas Day and I’ve asked him to suggest something that is safe. He immediately got angry and shouted at me in front of DD that he was allowed to come to my house and its the law. I told him that this year it will have to be different, as it is for many people and I’m not risking anything. I am in a bubble with my parents who are in their 70s who I am going to for Christmas lunch. I didn’t want him to come over aswell because last year I had to ask him to leave because we needed to get ready to go out for lunch and he started threatening me in front of DD about his rights and he was pushing me against a wall. He frightens me. Ive told him i’m not stopping him seeing her but it has to be safe for everyone and to suggest something. Unsuprisingly he hasn’t and he won’t suggest her going to him.  I’m terrified he’s going to turn up and ruin DD’s Christmas and cause a scene.

     

    #47290 Report

    warwickshire1
    Participant

    You are right to not let your ex partner come to your house . This has nothing to do with covid whatsoever. Ex partners only go round if you actually get on amicably and more often than not ex partners wouldnt expect to be invited in xmas day.

     

    The best thing you can do is under no circumstances answer the door and if he knocks make it clear via text message or on phone that you dont want him round.  Hopefully he gets the message and he leaves otherwise the last resort which i am sure you would not want to do would be to phone the police.

    And remember he has no rights to come to your house if you dont want him there

    #47291 Report

    ilovecake
    Participant

    Its amicable as long as I do what he want. But if i dare to do or say something that he doesnt lile its a different story. He has messaged this morning, just a comment saying he hopes she likes her presents. Thats it, no wishing her a happy Christmas, not asking what she had or if she’s excited. I’m so drained and fed up with it all.

    Merry Christmas to you, and thank you for replying xx

    #47296 Report

    Hope you and your child are ok and you were able to enjoy today, I hope you didn’t get any agro.

    You shouldn’t feel intimated or bullied by anyone, into anything you don’t wish to do.

    Could you attempt mediation? So you can have someone help mediate a solution so you don’t get in a position like this? I hope you have a good support network round you.

    Wishing you and your child the very best xx

    #47302 Report

    ilovecake
    Participant

    Thank you, hope you had a great day aswell. Ours was lovely, the best since she was born, it was so relaxed. Just had 2 texts from her dad in the whole day, the second was just stating that he missed her. Empty words.

    I wouldn’t do mediation and I honestly don’t believe he would.

    #47325 Report

    Honey1
    Participant

    Just reading through the post .. really glad your Christmas Day went ok x

    #47387 Report

    TinaJ
    Participant

    Hi ilovecake. I’m really sorry you are having to deal with this. It took me years to realise that I don’t have to let my ex into my house. (He is coercive and firmly believed or gave the impression that he was entitled to come in). Now that he knows he can’t come in, he has stopped trying to put pressure on me and that boundary is in place. (I still don’t let the kids carry a key if they are with him etc. because he does tell them that they can invite him into my house – this is also not true.) With violence / the threat of violence and behaviour that is distressing for your child to witness, I suggest talking to a solicitor (free first chat) and to see if there is other professional advice or support available. Knowing your options is a good idea, whatever happens in the future. Know your rights. And if you are agreeing to things because you are scared of not doing what he wants, then it sounds like coercive control and you can get advice about that. Good luck. It can be a bit of a journey, but you will get there. And it is worth it.

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