Worried for the kids
29 November 2020 at 8:56 am #46376
Hi, this is my first time posting on something like this. My two children (boy 11 and girl 6) no longer want to go round to their dads house due to the way they are treated there. I split with their dad 5 years ago and we are now divorced and he has re-married. The relationship between them has gotten worse over these 5 years, and I can’t really say that he has been a supportive parent to either of them. He hasn’t really provided and stability for them, living in 7 different houses and having them refer to 6 different girlfriends as “mum” over the last 5 years. This amongst other things which I have recently had to speak to social services and gp about. My son has developed a range of “ticks” over the last 5 years, so now the doctor is checking for tourettes.
The dad is in no way helpful and never listens to the children if and when they want to express their feelings. They now no longer want to go for face-to-face contact and I’m at a loss as to what to do. It causes them so much distress when it is time to go, that they have what can only be described as a meltdown, or they refuse to leave the house to walk round. The dad will not listen to me if I express the children’s concerns or feelings etc and doesn’t listen to them either, demanding that they go round as it’s “his time”.
I don’t know what to do, do I keep putting my kids through what I can only describe as mental torture to them, or allow them to make up their own minds now?? I can’t afford to take it to court, and the dad knows this.
Sorry for the rant, I just need help.30 November 2020 at 12:33 am #46400
My son is now 15, his dad left us 6 years ago, so he was 9.
Due to how things were when we were together as a family, I didn’t feel I had to make my son see his dad, if he really couldn’t face going.
His dad would make a ‘fuss’ and try and make demands but this was how my married life had been and i no longer had to do what he ‘demanded’
For whatever reasons, he never took me to court, regarding seeing our son and he eventually accepted that it was our son who was saying he didn’t want to visit, although he would still try and make him feel guilty for not seeing him.
Perhaps try the gingerbread helpline, or another helpline. hopefully someone may give you the help you need, if it’s going to become a more legal thing.
Your ex can demand and shout but if it’s causing so much distress to your son and daughter , just say no, and wait and see what he does and then respond.
I hope this helps a little, just want you to know that you don’t have to give into people who ‘demand’ things.
Take care, hope you and your children will be ok30 November 2020 at 2:45 am #46402
Your children are at an age where they are capable of making their own decision. I agree with the above post that this needs to be a legal matter to address. It all sounds very stressful but I completely understand.30 November 2020 at 9:24 am #46406
I was 15 when my parents divorced and I didn’t want to see my father either. Your children can make their own decisions, and you should not feel guilty. I am sorry that you are going through this, but instead of unnecessary regrets, be with your children, listen to them. Everything will be fine.