Will these feelings of guilt ever go? Am I crazy??
7 January 2018 at 2:09 pm #6655
im new to this website and this is my first post. A bit of background- me and my ex met when I was 20 and he was 21, I was in a bad place when we met due to personal circumstances. At the time he was what I needed, stable, laid back, trustworthy and a hard worker. I never had that initial lust or butterflies and to be honest when we first started dating I dated him with no intention of it becoming serious. Because I felt as though he was what I needed I continued in the relationship and a year and a half later we fell pregnant. So we bought a flat and then a year and a half later we had our second child, I always wanted two children close together as that’s what I had with my brother and he had with his sister. Truth is he didn’t really want a second child. He really struggled after the second came along. During our relationship when we would go out or go to parties we had fun but the he could be very miserable and grumpy and snappy and it used to get me down. We always seemed to be more like friends it felt. It got to the point when I wasn’t interested in being intimate at all, I would make any excuse… because even the intimacy side didn’t feel right and I didn’t enjoy it. I suffer with anxiety and depression. I expressed to him that I felt unhappy a couple of times but because he wasn’t doing anything in particular wrong he found it hard to understand and would say that it’s normal for life to be mundane and couples to be in a rut. Anyway one day I turned our world upside down and told him I didn’t want to be with him anymore… it really wasn’t him It was me… I just felt unfulfilled. I’ve had such different opinions from people… some saying I’ve been very brave and should be proud of myself for not staying unhappy for the sake of kids… some say they don’t understand what my problem was he was a nice guy, paid his way and was respectful…. some say I’m the most selfish and cruel person and to be honest I am struggling with the feeling of guilt. I let him see/have the kids whenever he wants, I try to do things with he kids and him which to me works perfectly because I don’t have the feelings so it’s like friends taking their children out but obviously he struggles with it as he still wants to be with me. But even know when he comes round he can be grumpy and miserable (understandable I know but makes me feel I’ve definitely done the right thing) I look at him and desperately try to feel something and I just don’t. I honestly believe that if he was to tell me he had slept with someone else or met someone else I would be so happy for him and I would feel relieved as I feel the guilt of hurting him may subside a bit! Please tell me this guilt gets easier and that he will be ok… he is struggling but refuses to get help7 January 2018 at 9:08 pm #6658
Oh my gosh that was almost like reading my life story with my ex except I gave up tryimg for baby number 2 after trying for 13 months, something just clicked and I had to end our relationship as I was so miserable. Guilt will do you no good though it will make your depression worse. I understand what you have been through 100%…4 years later after breaking up with my ex I know I made the right decision and would never change that. Have you considered seeing a therapist at all…9 January 2018 at 12:50 pm #6677
Me too…. this is exactly what I went through. We had no children but I went through exactly the same with my ex-fiancé. On paper he was perfect but there was just no depth to our relationship. I lost attraction and I tried so hard but I just couldn’t get back. It was awful. I’d get home in the evenings and be debilitated by guilt and anxiety.
I saw a therapist and it was the best decision I ever made. It was SO helpful. Occasionally I look back and wish things had worked out. But I wouldn’t change it and being able to leave has given me a confidence in my own judgement, which is invaluable.
It sounds to me like you’ve been brave and reasonable and not shied away from a difficult decision just because it’s difficult.
You’re going to be just fine and so will he. The guilt goes, I promise. Deep breaths and one day at a time….9 January 2018 at 9:02 pm #6699
Honestly your replies have meant so much to me. It’s nice to hear people say that they know how you feel rather than say ‘you will realise you have made a mistake’ and everyone wants an in depth reason but I can’t give one because there isn’t an actual reason I can pin point it’s just that my feelings are gone and I’m not sure we’re 100% there in the first place. I see a counsellor every week but it’s other people’s opinions and his struggle that’s affecting me