Will it ever get better?
24 May 2019 at 5:59 pm #25255
Warning: this is an angry post.
I am new here so as a way of presentation, I am a single mum of two beautiful healthy boys. I have been separated for 5 years now.
I am so frustrated I can’t find the words to explain this. How am I expected to work full time, run a house, look after my children, be a student (to improve our situation) and be a woman?
Their father is present but whenever is convenient to him. I had no choice but to agree to this. He pays CM but hey, although it is not enough, I get treated like I live a life of luxury. I am so tired of having to deal with him, his belittling, his constant threats to withdraw CM or reduce it. Whenever I try to make an improvement he comes to make everything s**** again. Why is people like that?
I feel like at 34, life is almost over. I do love my children very much and cherish their company and the love I have for them is beyong words…
Why is the legislation asking so little of the non-resident parent?
I am just exhausted.
G25 May 2019 at 6:16 am #25337
I can totally relate to how you are feeling, I work full time and have 2 boys 5 and 1. It’s incredible lonely, relentless, and exhausting to say the least. I do everything and don’t really have a support network. So I get it!
Life isn’t over at all, we a spring chickens 😀 it will get better !
please DM me if you want to rant / chat etc25 May 2019 at 9:13 am #25347
@GAM19187 Get it all off your chest girl 🙌🏼 YOU ARE DOING AN AMAZING JOB 🏅 and you are making your beautiful boys appreciate a lady, they will be wonderful fathers in the future. Hard times don’t last… tough people do.
Iv had a rather awful slog for the last 3 1/2 years, but you most certainly will come out the other side with everything you deserve. Stay strong 💪🏽 you got this x25 May 2019 at 5:36 pm #25361
Thank you ladies! Your words mean a lot.
I have had a beautiful day with my boys and some friends in the Comic Con, we love comics!
I know it is a rough path, but 5 years!! Sometimes I worry I am not being strong enough and that life is unfair at times. Sometimes I wake up more optimistic and I look at them and I remind myself their are the best thing ever happen to me. Just wrong man.
I have requested counselling through work because all of this is taking a toll in my health and I feel I have aged prematurely.
None of my friends are single parents and although they listen and support me, they just don’t get it.
I had a very short relationship with someone recently and he insisted on meeting my boys five months on, just to say 4 months after that he didn’t think I was worth all the effort he needed to make to match my life. FfS.
That, the ex, the government taking so much on my taxes and withdrawing the little tax credits I got, has sent me into a very dark place where I smile but I am so sad inside..
How do I come back to be me?
G25 May 2019 at 6:26 pm #25365
Sounds like you’ve had a really crappy time of it. From the single Dad side, I’ve made sure that the Kids are OK – mortgage support and maintenance paid on top (we have joint custody) and I know it’s not practical for every one to do and I do struggle financially from a personal perspective, but I would never use it to blackmail or bully STBEW – it’s not fair on the Children, and it’s shocking what he’s doing.
Maybe Gingerbread might be able to help with advice and guidance about what your EH is doing, plus other areas too.
You sound like a great person who is doing all the right things (counselling really works, i’m doing the same through Time to Talk on the NHS), and working so hard to raise your boys, and although it may not seem like it at the moment, you will see the rewards in the future – they will know what you’ve done for them. The four month guy is clearly an arse, and you deserve much better – and it will come.
This site is also a God send – it’s really helped me to get through the separation (it wasn’t my choice) and it will help you too – everyone understands your situation and can empathise, and it really lifts me if I’m feeling low.
If you feel low, feel free to go on the Friday Night Social thread – it may only be an online thread, but hopefully it will help to brighten the evenings a bit (not just Fridays!)
SD25 May 2019 at 8:00 pm #25379
I’ve been a single dad for around 10 years, I’ve had a few relationships but mostly I’ve been single and haven’t had a relationship for 3 years.
The government pushed me into starting my own business and due to it taking longer than what they would like to get established they’ve penalised me nearly £600 a month. Due to me putting my son first I’ve had to take on any work I can get including taxi work which is the lowest paid job I’ve ever had, so I’m now sat here in between running happy couples around earning a pitance.
I don’t despair though as I keep reminding myself that I can never tell what’s around the corner, I could stumble across the girl of my dreams tomorrow or even tonight, my mechanics business could suddenly take off, it wouldn’t take much for my life to turn so I just have to be patient.
Life rarely stays the same and this dark patch your living through won’t last forever
Mark26 May 2019 at 7:54 am #25446
Thank you SD and Mark.
You are right SD, this site helps a lot. Most of the emotions people describe here is what I felt at the time of separation or what I still feel at times.
I have taken jobs for cash too, whenever I can and on Sundays when they go with their ddad. I live a very modest life even though I have a steady salary, outgoings are just too much.
This month ex has said he can’t pay the usual maintenance because he’s struggling. Nearly 100 less this month. Yet he is going on holidays with his new wife and her three children and his mum. Leaving my boys behind as if they were not part of the family. He has done this many times and my boys don’t feel they have a paternal family. Even though I keep pictures of them and I encourage them to contact and keep in touch. For the sake of my boys.
The counselling advice was to put our arrangement under legal agreement which I will do next month once my exams are over.
Anyone know where I can get a sense of a legal agreement, other than going straight to a solicitor? I have not been able to find a source on internet.
Have a lovely Sunday everyone,
G.26 May 2019 at 9:54 am #25453
I don’t have any real advice but this is my first visit to these forums and yours was the first post I spotted, completely resonated with me and the reason I joined GB.
I don’t know how you be all those things, I often feel like I’m drowning, our ex partners sound very similar with regards to having the children when convenient and paying the minimum CS. Definitely not the worst dad in the world but by far the best.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that someone who has as much passion for life as you is not only setting an incredible example for your children but you’ll also catch a break for yourself, just keep swimming and when you can’t swim any more just lie back and float.
It’s unfair, I feel a lot of resentment but I know the only person that damages is me.
Youre doing enough and you will feel like you again x26 May 2019 at 12:44 pm #25455
Resentment, that’s the perfect description for how I feel. When I speak to my friends sometimes they come with the “don’t be jealous of his life, he’s missing a lot”. And it’s true, he’s missing a lot about my boys’ life but also he gets the best of them since he doesn’t have to battle them for homework and does not have to hear complaints and tears because xyz friend insulted any of my boys.
He is not either a good dad or a bad one. He feeds them, bathes them and looks after them when they are with him. But he didn’t want them. He still doesn’t. He doesn’t know when are they due for a visit to the dentist or what reading level they are at. Things like that.
To me, he’s like the cool uncle that takes them out and brings them home once the day is over.
I feel bad for my sons as I chose the wrong person to father them. See? My father is an outstanding human being and so is my mother. The standards in what I was raised don’t exist in his side so I end up being alone in all emotional, psychological and physical matters.
I am conscious that not everyone has the same standards in life, and I am quite flexible and understanding but that I don’t have much support for him it’s a total understatement.
I will have to keep swimming I guess 🙂 thank you for your kind words.
G.26 May 2019 at 8:51 pm #25492
I heard the phrase Disneyland Dad a while back and I think that’s a good way to describe my children’s dad, fun uncle works too.
Its the conplete lack lack of interest in the children’s lives in general that’s sad; like you say not knowing anything about the children in any depth and not bothering to find out either.
I too feel bad I chose a dad for my children who puts his social life, hobbies and work life before them. One of the main barriers to my career is childcare and I do not understand why it so often falls to the resident parent to fund and organise it. My children’s dad doesn’t see me having them 24/7 as support for him. That breeds an incredible amount of resentment and when there are dates he can’t have them that he’s due to have them because the football is on them he tells me I’m inflexible.
I don’t know how not to feel angry, resentful and sad but it does help to know I’m not alone x26 May 2019 at 8:54 pm #25493
Ps look at http://www.advicenow.org for useful legal information. I had a really helpful conversation with a GB advisor the other day regarding compiling a consent order and finalising divorce etc and they were very useful! Some universities have a law school where you can obtain advice from a student who has a solicitor alongside them (for free, yippee!).26 May 2019 at 9:10 pm #25495
I can totally relate and definitely you are not alone. It is frustrating that we have to be mother and father for everything. As an example, he had never interest in teaching them how to wee standing up so I had to teach them. It was fun and quite gross at the same time 🙄😁 but we made it. And definitely with second son, I had mastered it.
Childcare will slow us down professionally, but we will get there. Promise. Before we realise they will be self-sufficient and we will be rewarded by our efforts.
And oh don’t worry, I get the “you are inflexible/unfair/cynical” talk too, this time only because I decided I was not paying anymore the childcare he uses as I lost tax credits. I gave him three weeks notice and still is not enough. It’s never as win with him.
Thank you for the link I will have a look tonight.
DM message me if you ever need to talk and get it off your chest x
G.26 May 2019 at 9:45 pm #25496
I’m still trying to get my 8 year old to remember not to pee on the seat 😂
i have a much older daughter so I try and use her as perspective when I’m feeling awful. It helps sometime as I feel like her childhood went in a flash. Doesn’t always help with perspective but does sometimes!
Thank you re the DM offer, likewise, sometimes it’s good to speak to someone who understands and I feel like I’m boring my friends at times when I’m having a tough time!