Wife's new partner

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  • #29337 Report

    Chmalcolm1
    Participant

    Hi new to this forum and sorry in advance for the long post

    Wife and I split in February. She’s an abusive alcoholic and I was arrested for shaking her when she had been drinking around our 3 daughters (ages 5, 3, 1). I know this was wrong but we had been married for 12 years at this point, and I snapped. She was briefly left to care for the girls now social services have placed them in my care.

    We still co-own our house, where I live with the girls. She moved in with her new boyfriend in June, I’m not sure where they live.

    Wife currently comes to see the girls on saturdays under her mums supervision, stays saturday night and leaves sunday afternoon. If her mum can’t supervise I don’t let her visit as she’s still drinking.

    Just need re-assurance. There are millions of alarm bells regarding the new boyfriend. 1, he’s a lot older than my wife and knows she’s an anorexic and alcoholic. 2, she introduced him to my daughters once without consulting me(or even telling me he existed) and he doesn’t see why this is inappropriate. 3, he doesn’t drink but posts on Facebook about stoners/cannabis, and his own mental health issues. 4, I have spoken to him once, he also called MY mother, both times very aggressive insisting on his (not my wife’s) right to see the girls. 5, pictures of him and my wife on social media show them both looking under the influence of something.

    I also requested a Sarahs law check on him, and the police strongly agreed that it was appropriate, it’s currently ongoing.

    Despite this I need re-assurance! Originally I was 100%sure of my actions. However I’m so drained from her behaviour (still lots of bizarre texts and phone calls, all about how my girls love this guy) plus the girls and working full time. People say I’m being “gaslit”(??) But she keeps telling me I’m being jealous and petty. Does it sound like I am. Of course I’m hurt she’s moved on this quickly but I genuinely feel my girls aren’t safe with them. Has anyone else had anything remotely similar, or advice how to handle an addicted ex?

    #29344 Report

    Chmalcolm1
    Participant

    In bold comments are definitely the main concerns. Obviously there’s an element of being hurt as she’s moved on so quick, but I think the other 2 concerns are valid but need to explain. He thinks of himself as the charitable sort, but his starting a sexual relationship with such a vulnerable woman isn’t acceptable just because he’s “helping her”. It seems far more likely he wants a vulnerable woman with 3 young girls, who he has demonstrated an unhealthy (not necessarily sexual) in.

    Also there’s a bit more to the introduction. My W was renting a room from an old man at the time, and had missed her 1st weekend with the girls. I allowed an unsupervised visit as I didn’t want her to go 2 weeks not seeing them. She had my eldest for 2 nights. When I next saw her I asked if she had fun. She said the old man had driven them to the park, and they saw blank, mummy’s new “hugging friend”. Also, when BF was on phone with my mum, he knew the old man, and described him as an “actual pervert” who he had “rescued” my wife from. Which means my wife accepted my offer of an unsupervised visit, using it to introduce this druggie and an actual pervert.

    Not trying to be argumentative just some things I left out of original post

    #29405 Report

    Chmalcolm1
    Participant

    Social services were involved but closed the case once the girls were in my care.

    Pervert was the new boyfriends description of her previous landlord, and definitely not tongue in cheek. My concern is the circle of people she’s fallen in with. Hard to explain if you don’t know her but with her alcoholism and now drug use, literally everyone who knows us mutually is concerned as she would never have gone near these people usually.

    Point is moot anyway my solicitors have assured me that I can make decisions regarding the girls’ safety, even stopping Mum’s contact completely if necessary (it doesn’t seems to be close to that yet luckily) but I won’t allow her to see the girls away from our house, and then only under her mum’s supervision.

    This isn’t a normal separation. If my wife wasn’t an addict then of course I would have to accept the fact she’s moved on. But the fact she’s still drinking, he’s a drug user, and sheintroduced the girls to.him in secret, shows that there’s an obvious safeguarding issue around the pair of them. Also his unwillingness to give me his address (I had post from my wife ‘s solicitors) unless he could see the girls was a huge alarm bell

     

    #29410 Report

    Manica
    Participant

    Bless you, it sounds horrible, i wouldn’t be able to cope..

    I dont have any advice Anonymous seems to have covered everything.

    Be strong and dont give in to anything you dont feel comfortable doing, this is what is repeat to myself.

    Goodluck!

     

     

    #29421 Report

    Chmalcolm1
    Participant

    Was aware that I could stop contact as the girls primary caregiver didn’t know she could refuse to return them. Would’ve thought due to her alcoholism I would have a strong case for getting them back.

     

    Got ugly today. My mother in law told me she had promised my eldest a sleepover at their house this Saturday. I refused as the last 2 visits away from the house the new BF was brought around the girls without my consent. Didn’t tell them the Sarah’s law check is being done but the girls aren’t going anywhere until that’s over at the earliest.

    Then my wife messaged to say it’s a family bbq and they want all 3 girls?! I agreed on the condition that BF not be there and did not come into contact with the girls. Suddenly my brother in law messaged to say I was childish (though I feel the same way as none of them will speak to me on the phone) and that BF had contacted the police himself to ask if they had a problem being around the girls and they said “no”. I’m sorry but that is bizarre. What man calls the police for permission to see someone else’s children? And why would they answer at all, never mind say yes in while a Sarahs law check is in progress?

    #29425 Report

    Lorraine123
    Participant

    Sorry to hear you’re going through this. My oldest sons sons father is an alvoholic, we split before he was born. I took him to see him a few times when he was first born as I thought it was the right thing to do. I then decided to stop the visits as he was still drinking and has a history of violence. Safety is the priority here and I think you should be concerned about your wife’s behaviour and the new boyfriend. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be cautious in your circumstances. It sounds like you’re making the right decisions. I’m sorry I don’t really have any advice for you but you clearly love your children and you’re doing a great job. Take care.

    #29432 Report

    AnnaP
    Participant

    Hi,

    This sounds an awful situation to be in. I can completely understand why you would be concerned about this new boy friend. Your brother in law should surely understand this. Until the check is complete there should be no contact. You are doing the right thing by your children. If your ex and her family cannot do as you ask then I would refuse access. As for her new partner calling the police this sounds very strange.  As a mother I would be worried myself about any new partner taking upon himself to do this. Your ex sounds like she does not have your children’s best interests at heart.  I hope this all works out for you and your children.

    #29461 Report

    choosingtogoitalone
    Participant

    Hi

     

    I too have an alcoholic ex and would suggest getting some support from Al Anon or “sober recovery” forum online (friends and family section).

    Share these stories on there and you’ll find a lot of support and relevant advice.

    You are right to have your concerns. You have witnessed what it is to be around someone in addiction and from what you’re saying, you know exactly what’s right and wrong here.

    If you want to talk more drop me a DM. I’ve been through similar and honestly would have lost my mind if I had followed advice of those who have never been directly involved with an addict.

     

    Don’t worry about losing face or looking like whatever, just trust your instincts, set your boundaries (for the children AND you) and get some support in working out how to manage this incredibly difficult situation. So sorry you’re going through it

     

    Before I met him I would never have got it. Your situation is very different to that of other single parents.

    Wishing you the best of luck

    #29471 Report

    Chmalcolm1
    Participant

    Anonymous I agree the bbq business seems unreasonable. Ironically I would have allowed it but the police said not to let him have contact (even supervised) while the check is being done. Also her family are still being underhanded to help her bring BF around the children. They’re not just my children but at the same time they’re not just hers . I feel I have a right to full disclosure about where they’re going and who they’ll be seeing.

    I also contacted the police, who said the BF is categorically lying. They would never have told him if they do/don’t have a problem with him seeing another person’s children, as it is not their decision to make, and he could not have spoken to anyone involved in the Sarah’s law check. I don’t feel I’m being unreasonable or paranoid

    #29485 Report

    PinkMonkey18
    Participant

    Hi,

    I have some kind of experience with an Ex and supervised access.

    My solicitor has advised me to go to court to get a residency order to state the children live me with etc so my ex cannot refuse to hand them back. CAFCASS would be contacted to do an assessment who would speak to social services and obviously social services will tell CAFCASS about their advice for supervised visits which will be in the report. This is what I’ve been told by my solicitor I could be wrong. Would it be possible for you to do the same?

    I don’t really have any advice other than that but if you want to talk you can always drop me a DM. To me it sounds like you’ve done the right thing and protected your kids.

    Good luck

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