Wife filed for divorce. Advise on split on family home UK

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  • #50695 Report

    Pete
    Participant

    Advice on splitting family home. My wife is divorcing me as she has said she no longer loves me, we have 2 children 7 & 11. I have moved out as she would get extremely upset each time I wanted to talk to her about reconciling and it this wasn’t doing any good for the children. She earns about the same as me 1.6k after tax but she only declares £800 per month as the rest is cash in hand. All my earnings are official. We have a family home worth 400K we have 200K left on the mortgage and she wishes to stay in the family home until such time the kids are old enough to leave home.

    She can afford to live in the house as I’m going to pay her child maintenance, bringing her monthly income of just under 2K per month after tax. She has mentioned that in the future, she may leave and I can move back in with children but when I’m not sure.

    Im not sure what to do with the family home as I’ve been reading up on financial settlements. I would like the kids to have a stable home and I know if we sell the house both of us would find it difficult to get another mortgage for a similar size house. More so in my wifes case as on paper she earns much less than she actually does.

    I would like a financial settlement to occur and we have decided when we sell the house we will split it 50/50. Would anyone know if the courts will accept what we have agreed or will they look through our salaries and savings? Also should I include a mesher rule into the settlement e.g sell house when children turn 18 or on mutual consent between both parties. I know she may have a partner in the future and will probable stay in our family home but I guess it is something I have to accept after the divorce.

    I look at my current situation, I feel so hopeless. I only get to see my kids on the weekends as where Im staying, there is no room for them to stay overnight. I feel as though I’m beginning to loose touch with the children I can’t take them anywhere at the moment due to covid lockdown. Feel so lost and down .

     

    What do other fathers do in my situation?

    #50726 Report

    Gummibear123
    Participant

    Hello,I don’t know much about the house/finances bit,but can I say something about the kids?

    I’m sorry about your situation.Every new post on here is another load of misery and sadness one way or another.But at least on here there’s ppl who know where you’re coming from…

    They kids are going to be missing you,badly.Please don’t just give up and hang around feeling hopeless.Can you see them in their own house at least? Mbe ur wife could do some errands or something and you can see them there.That worked for me when there was nowhere else to go at times.It’s important to keep the marriage breakdown issues separate from the kids- if poss.Wishing you lots of strength in this difficult time.

    #50755 Report

    Pete
    Participant

    Thank you for your kind words Gummibear.

    The children are a different issue. My eldest doesn;t really talk to me anymore, he and I where really close before we told him we where getting a divorce.  I’m not sure if he blames me for the divorce as I left the family home. I didn’t want to leave but I felt it was best, now I regret leaving as I miss both my kids.

    It wasn’t me who wants the divorce, I’ve been trying to reconcile but each time I try the wife would get angry. We are divorcing as she no longer loves me. I understand now through reading books, youtube and internet forums on why our marriage broke down. I didn’t read the signs, being married for 10 years I got complacent. I wish to make amends and show her I know understand but I guess its too late , a hardened heart.

    If only I educate myself earlier but who teaches you things about marriage…….

    #50805 Report

    Gummibear123
    Participant

    Not everyone finds it any use,but mediation might give you a chance to put very clearly how much you are willing to do to fix any mistakes you made.

    Your son may be angry with you bc he’s hurt and he misses you,specially if you were close before.However off-putting his behaviour is right now,don’t give up on him.He’s still at an age where you can buy him gifts that don’t have to cost the earth etc…You need to do something to keep the relationship going at least a bit,with him.He only will ever have one dad and you are important to him.I’m sorry you are going through this It’s really painful when kids are involved.

    #51007 Report

    Pete
    Participant

    Things are getting better with my son. Thanks

    Taking each day as it comes

    #51022 Report

    DavidM
    Participant

    #im not a lawyer or financial expert!

    <span style=”color: #1a1919; font-family: Lato, sans-serif; background-color: #fbfbfb;”>” I would like a financial settlement to occur and we have decided when we sell the house we will split it 50/50. Would anyone know if the courts will accept what we have agreed or will they look through our salaries and savings?”</span>

    If your ex-wife does not declare half her income, is she avoiding taxes? If the court starts looking at salaries and savings, i doubt they would miss the discrepancies. If you both agree to something, but one of you is hiding income, that might have an effect on how lawful the agreement ends up being. Similar to agreeing to child support payments when the paying parent lies about income (or diverts income).

    As i’ve said, not an expert, but it seems like something to definatly be careful of!

    <span style=”color: #1a1919; font-family: Lato, sans-serif; background-color: #fbfbfb;”>“She has mentioned that in the future, she may leave and I can move back in with children but when I’m not sure.” </span>

    <span style=”color: #1a1919; font-family: Lato, sans-serif; background-color: #fbfbfb;”>This seems a strange statement for a parent to make, does it seem like it could realistically happen? Just Leaving her own children?</span>

    Glad to hear you are doing better with your son, it’s of course a double difficult time for you all now, but things will change and spring is coming! I recall my youth (doesnt feel That long ago:p) where my dad left too, but i was upset because he left and i had to deal with my mom the entire time, though my dad probably saw it the same way you did, just saying, it isnt all necessarily black and white.

    #51049 Report

    Helen83
    Participant

    Hi Pete

    sorry to hear your story. I am in the exact same position but opposite. My husband and I have just separated last week. Thankfully equal decision but still so hard. He has gone to stay with a friends and I am in the home we own together with our two children.
    I have looked into a Mercher and I think it is something we will need to do t the future to secure the home for the children. Neither of us want them to have to move (at least whilst all this is happening) we haven’t told them yet they  think their dad is just staying away for work. At this point he comes over as often as possible – evenings after school … and I pop to the shop or walk the dog so his time is directly with them and free from tension. I urge you to ask your ex wife if you can do the same. Even once or twice a week after school. So hard with lockdown and no where to go. But you could take them for a walk or help with homework whilst their mum does other things… stay as connected as you can. Just because you can’t have them overnight does not mean you only have to see them at weekends…. hope you can work something out. Take care

    #51181 Report

    Metalmonk70
    Participant

    50/50 on the house is maybe the best way….but get it notarized & filed asap……stay calm in front of your children, but after this blows over don’t be afraid of showing your emotions (just try to use “nice” words when talking to them about their mother)….finances, hmmm, always show a willingness to be fair in negotiations, but don’t give up too much to find a resolution….women don’t deserve any more than men do, especially if you love your children & are a dedicated father….

    #51199 Report

    kathmaria143
    Participant

    To Pete

    I was inspired by Metalmonk7 to start researching rights for men/Daddy’s.

    I found this website/group.

    There are lots of legal arrangements I found to end a marriage.

    Divorce – costly – going to court. <span style=”color: #444444; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif;”>Getting a divorce in England or Wales will cost a bare minimum of £550 no matter how you go about it, since those are the mandatory court fees that must be paid in every divorce. On top of the court fees, you may end up paying for a financial order (£200+) and for professional support. if the case is debatable. The divorce proceeds will take longer. It could go into thousands of pounds.</span>

    Mediation – if you and your wife have a meeting with an independent mediator. they will look at both your finances, to see how much you would have to oat for the end of the marriage arrangement, the property, finances, childcare arrangement…If you and your wife are happy on the agreements before the meeting. It will reduce the time and the number of meetings you would need with the mediator.

    Separated – if u and your partner separate for 2 1/2 years you automatically become a divorce.

    I hope this helps, Katherine

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