Wife being awkward about contact

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  • #58307 Report

    GOOF@43
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    I have recently separated from my wife. I have 2 girls that I can’t have stay with me at the minute as I have been sofa surfing, I see them 3 times a week at the moment and originally had 3 nights planned when I got my own place sorted.

    I found a 1 bed flat which wasn’t ideal but was all I could find, however that didn’t go through and I have now found another flat with 3 bedrooms and a garden so the girls have their own private space when they need their own time.

    My wife has seen a “solicitor” and they both said we should build up overnight contact gradually and that this is in the girls best interests? (They haven’t asked the girls what they want) I want 50/50 contact eventually, their plan is 1 night a week for a month and review, then 2 nights a week for a month and review. My concern is that my wife is the one in control deciding all of this and the girls or myself have no say and I just have to agree to keep her happy.

    It’s not really an amicable separation and she has been very bitter, all I want is what is best for my girls and I believe they need this time with me too as I am very close to my girls.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

    Thank you

    #58311 Report

    JBLA
    Participant

    hi GOOF@43, – great name:)

    sorry to hear it’s been tough getting resettled, but blessing in the end as you’ve got a great place by the sounds of it.

    Looking at the positives, it’s great you’ve still been able to see your kids regularly, & you are being given overnight stay, even if it’s gradual, despite all that’s been going on πŸ™‚

    to be honest, it sounds like you are both doing your best to get through this the best you can & its only going to be natural to be working out all the feelings of a break-up, especially if things didn’t end on the best terms. without knowing the details or how old your kids are, it sounds like trust may of been broken somewhere to some extent, as is typical in most break-ups to be fair & maybe the priority is about making this a gentle process to re-establish this.

    from the outside it doesn’t look that awkward… trust me, a lot of dads here have had to go through courts or just had access denied. she has a legal right to do this too, so if your ex is allowing regular contact & it’s just this 3 months to ease you all into a new routine (+back to school stuff going on too?) – this does sound like the kids needs are being heard and maybe she’s not being as awkward as this feels. It’s totally understandable you’d want to get everything right away, especially after so much hard work & clear frustration getting things sorted, but have a hunch this might be a bit like the first instance of you being desperate for a home & only finding a one bed, to then being able to get a better home with a bit more time. – Give this time & you’ll likely end up with more.

    if you build this new co-parenting relationship on trust & respect… your likely to be on solid co-parenting ground in the future, especially after the feelings on both sides heal a bit more. It sounds healthy & your not being denied access in the mean time.

    have you heard of the charity relate?

    – from experience these folk are the best, they can offer free mediation & counselling for you both individually or to resolve any residual gripes.

    They are safe hands to process this with if wanted, personally i struggled to get past all the feelings without counselling, its really worth it in the long run & a great example to the kidsΒ  πŸ™‚

    hope this helps

    Relate | The relationship people

    #58312 Report

    GOOF@43
    Participant

    Hi JBLA

    Thanks for the reply I really appreciate that, it’s nice to get someone else’s view on this and I agree to building it up it was just a sucker punch it was 1 overnight stay.

    I will still have them for teas as well so I’m not just seeing them one night, I agree there’s dad’s in much worse situations than I find myself in at the minute. I move in next Friday and done everything I can to find somewhere that’s is best for my girls 11 and 9 to stay and have their own space which is important to them.

    Thank you for the link as well I just hope it never comes to that and that we can sort things out between us and we have agreed to talk to each other before speaking with the girls. I think it made me feel worse off as I’ve not been able to have them stay over with me and I’m a bit over excited for this to finally happen and I know the girls are looking forward to this too.

    Thanks again.

    #58315 Report

    JBLA
    Participant

    you are most welcome. glad it helps somewhat πŸ™‚

    If it’s alright to say it sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be perfect, we can all do it! but it might be healthier to focus on taking the pressure off, especially as you do seem like you are doing really well, even if it doesn’t feel like it πŸ™‚ Moving is damn stressful enough as it is πŸ™‚

    Good luck with the move, am sure it’ll be wonderful to have your girls stay & maybe gradually could work to an advantage to get the rooms decorated & furnished as they’d like, even if it’s with stickers & posters/ soft furnishings & fun shopping trips a bit at a time or DIY… could be a lovely project for you all.

    happy healing & congrats for getting it all sorted πŸ™‚

    #58316 Report

    GOOF@43
    Participant

    Thank you, one step at a time. I have one room complete for them and the other almost just looking for a couple of things and they are done.

    Thanks again for the reply.

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