Why does my son adore his absent father

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    my son absolutely worships his absent father. He’s long distance and so my son sees him for longer periods but infrequently.

    He left us. Stole from me, forced us from our home, forced me out of my job, abused me emotionally throughout the divorce and absolutely trashed my name in the local area that we were forced from and all this because he left me for someone else.

    I’ve been there consistently for my son and I do all the work. Yet it’s me who he takes his anger out on and his dad is seen as a superhero.

    what have I done to deserve this?

    i imagine in a few years, when he’s old enough he’ll ask to move to be with his dad.


    #39306 Report


    Sunflower, that’s awful.

    But your son doesn’t understand that. From a small boy’s view, he goes to see his dad, gets lots of treats, presumably in the holidays so no school and more fun, it’s a different environment so may be more exciting or more money, and then he comes home and doesn’t have all of that for a while. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. When he’s at home with you, chasing him to tidy his room or clean his teeth, it is easy for him to think “ I wish I was at dad’s, I don’t have to tidy my room there”.

    And if your ex did such a good job of trashing your name, he may be equally manipulative to your son. A little word here & there.

    But kids aren’t daft, he will eventually realise who is there when he is poorly or lonely or being bullied, or just needs someone to listen.
    My son is 11 and we had much the same situation until about two years ago. One day he hugged me, said he loved me and that “daddy was pretty hopeless really”.
    He hasn’t said it since but the atmosphere has changed, being at daddy’s is no longer the ultimate it used to be. He still loves to visit but the comparisons have stopped.

    I know it’s hurtful, but it won’t always be like that. Just keep being the best mum you can. He’ll understand eventually. x

    #39333 Report


    Thank you so much for your positive reply. I really appreciate it!

    #39334 Report


    Hi. I completely agree with kathy. I’ve been through something similar with my son. We separated before he was born so he had never met his dad but built him up to be perfect in his own mind. Obviously I was the horrible mother that made him do homework, eat vegetables and go to bed at a sensible time. The grass is always greener on the other side. The truth is that if your son was upset and needed comforting it would be you he would come to not his dad. My son is now 20 and has no interest in his dad. I think this is something that most children will go through at some point. Take care.

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