Why can’t I talk about my childs dad?!
15 October 2020 at 12:40 am #44824
I hate the fact that I can’t speak about frankly about my feelings towards my baby dad (bbd). Not because I physically can’t, but because whenever I do share how he has made me feel my friends and family are constantly trying to find solutions, compartmentalise, understand, share their prespective. Why does there have to be a solution to how I feel about him. I dont respect him, like him or condole his behaviour over the past 9 years. Cant I be free in saying that without it being a negotiation. I feel shut down snd not listened to. Everytime I speak I feel like people expect me to say my piece and be over with it. Ive been feeling this way since Sunday and people just expect me to have a rest and be over it. Over the hurt. Over the frustration. Over the annoyance and irritation. I dont want to isolate myself from friends and family, but I just feel like there is nothing else to add/share or say. I wanna be one with my feelings.15 October 2020 at 9:58 am #44828
I think sometimes people don’t know what to say, or they think that by letting you talk this way they are some how encouraging you to dwell on things. Sometimes people just don’t really feel they have the capacity to listen. Have you tried saying ‘I just need to talk and I just need someone to listen to me’. People may also be uncomfortable because he is your child’s father.
I know what it’s like, and being told by people I trusted that ‘he’s still your children’s father’ whilst he was in court for abuse really hurt, like they were deliberately minimising what I had been through. It was almost as if I didn’t matter, as if my life were meaningless and all I had been through was redundant because we shared children. Now I’m in a much better place I can see they were right in a way. Harboring all that anger and resentment was no good, it kept me as his victim not a survivor. It was also hard to ensure the children were protected from my feelings towards him, as I was very conscious they would pick up on it.
I’d suggest you look into counselling to talk through it all and hopefully come to a place where you no longer feel that anger, where you can move on with your life. The more you hang on to what has happened, the longer it will take for you to move on. A counsellor will just listen to you, help you to get it all out so you can feel better over all15 October 2020 at 1:40 pm #44834
That’s a really fair response. I’ve not told people to just listen and in some way maybe that’s because I’m looking for someone to give me a solution to my anger. But the reality is once someone speaks to me or shares their opinion is does invalidate my feelings. Its a catch 2-2. Sometime I dont even feel angry at him. I feel angry for myself for picking one of the worst as a 2nd parent to my child. Ive made so many moves in my life and this has to be the one move that seems never ending. Thanks for listening. Glad you’re in a good place.16 October 2020 at 10:08 am #44852
Keep writing it all down, it’s really healthy to need to talk about it and get it all out. It’s trauma and trauma cannot be repressed. Chose someone you really trust, tell them what you need from them. ‘I just need to talk and for you to listen’ ‘I don’t need any advice, or solutions, I just want to rant about it if that’s OK?’
I would really look into counselling though, you can self refer in the UK through IAPT, it may only take a couple of sessions but I think it would really help you