Where to start?

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This topic contains 4 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  2019changes 2 months ago.

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  • #26413 Report

    Aimee_02
    Participant

    Hi, I need here and just looking for some advice. I have been with my husband 13 years married 7, we have 2 girls. I have fallen out of love with my husband and have felt like this for at least 2 years. He is aware but will not accept it. I feel trapped like I will never get out of this. Don’t get me wrong he’s a nice guy,.provides for us all and a fantastic dad but I just feel differently towards him.

    Thing is I have no idea where to start, I only work part time and have no savings anymore. We have a mortgage and with him refusing to accept it’s over he’s not willing to put it up for sale. What do I do? How can i leave? I have no idea about benefits and stuff and online it all looks so confusing. I can’t take any more of this life I don’t want to have, I’m so depressed. Anyone else been in a similar situation? What did you do? X

    #26419 Report

    LS4202
    Participant

    When my marriage was over I had no idea what to do either. I work part time and have a child and mortgage as well. First thing I did was go to my local citizens advice and they told me what support I could apply for and a rough amount I would get. Then I went away and applied.

    If you are feeling low it mightbe worth going to speak to your doctor and have some time off work and try and get some counselling through work.

    You need to do one step at a time and it is really hard but it does get better.

    #26423 Report

    welshdad
    Participant

    Hi Aimee,

    From the perspective of a en ex-husband who has had this happen (although it emerged in my case her lack of feelings pre-dated the marriage) is to stop, and take some time.  If you haven’t yet split, and there is nobody else on the scene (I’m not going to judge or question you there if this is what has happened), and it’s just a case of feeling different this can happen for a variety of reasons.

    If he has changed and you have changed etc… any work pressures, depression, or simply just fact you don’t get time to enjoy the things you used to together – these things happen but marriages do take work, and it seems a shame if everything else is good.

    You say he is a good dad and provides and cares for you etc.  If there are no arguments etc… is it a case of him trying too hard to please?  Are things too easy?  Not enough arguments cause you avoid them and avoid talking about things that end up winding you up cause you just keep it inside?

    Maybe it’s lack of excitement… it’s just gone all dull and mundane cause it’s all routine and “family life”.  Reality check here… it doesn’t matter who you are in a long term relationship with, things will sometimes get stuck in a rut like that but especially if you’re in a situation where you can’t communicate.  It sounds like you’ve already tried though and he’s buried head in the sand and not wanted to accept it.

    I would implore you to talk to him and rather than tell him sorry that’s it… which he will find incredibly hard to accept because it’s a case of as you say him being a good dad etc and providing for you…. in his mind he is doing everything right,,, but maybe that’s a case of “too nice” which ends up being boring.  What you want and what you think you wanted etc ending up different or maybe just a case of him forgetting to spice things up and focusing too much on just being the provider and the good dad.

    Maybe if you said to him that it’s a case of going to mediation to try to resolve things or that’s it it’s over, at least it gives him that chance of understanding where he’s gone wrong or at least to try to be the person you fell in love with again then maybe even if he doesn’t succeed he will find it easier to accept than a flat “sorry I used to love you but I don’t any more, even though you’re a great dad and you provide for us etc”.  I can’t begin to explain how difficult it is for a guy to hear that and it will only make trying to remain amicable afterwards difficult if you leave things like that, and this is something that if there is no conflict between you yet – is an opportunity to ensure that communication between you remains good if you end up separating as it will have a serious affect on your kids,.

    I understand if you decide after everything that this is the only way and you will get great support here, but if you are not yet a single parent and you have the opportunity and any kind of chance of rebuilding what you had and sustaining the family you currently have, then I can say from the bottom of my heart that if it ends you will want to know you did all you could, when you look at your child and try to explain to them what happened and why things are so difficult for them, that its not through lack of trying.  You will know you did all you could but also that you gave the other person the chance to make things right too.

    The last thing you want is to end things, and then for your partner to suddenly buck their ideas up and become the person they once were again, but having moved on… and end up living apart from you… and introducing someone else to your kids…. that’s just one example but seriously being a single parent (or even a co-parent living apart) is not as some people might imagine.

    Things may feel difficult right now and I know two years is a long time, but the rest of your life is longer and once you’ve crossed this bridge there is no turning back….. things will be different forever.

    At the very least at least give him the choice of going to councelling with you to try to resolve things – if he refuses then at least you’ve done your bit, and done all you can.  If he agrees then it might just save your marriage – if he is the nice guy who provides for you and a great dad as you say – it’s got to be worth a try.

    It’s better to have tried that than to live with regret.

    https://relate.org.uk

    If it is a case of having met someone else then at least give him that closure because it will be easier for him to deal with than keep questioning where he went wrong if as you say it’s just a case of him being a nice guy, provides for you and a fantastic dad.

    Again please don’t feel judged…. just realise that if you haven’t yet separated properly maybe it’s just a little time apart you need.

    Whatever you decide you will find support.  I just think that the majority of people here both male and female would avoid suffering to both themselves and their children if they had the opportunity to do so.  So many people don’t have the choice and find themselves in single parent situations through bereavement or domestic violence etc… the decision has already been made for them, you’re still at that crossroads.

    You currently have a choice…. sometimes through talking to different people – probably with him saying you can’t go etc… and maybe a friend saying what they did when they separated etc… and trying to offer their advice and experiences and talking you through it etc.  you must feel quite pressured and torn.   It may be easy to think the decision is already made – but the way you talk saying the only thing that is wrong in the relationship is how you feel, and you make a point of saying how he is not at fault apart from not wanting to admit to himself that your feelings have changed.  It just seems like if he were to do so, and address that…. maybe give you some space… and maybe have some quality time you’ve not had in a while.  Maybe things aren’t over just yet?

    I say this because I suspect it’s one of the few posts you’ll get on here that won’t immediately start you down the process of what to do when you separate etc…. when right now, you aren’t there yet and you can avoid it if you wanted to.

    Whatever you decide I hope it works for the best for you and your family.

    Sorry for the long post – sometimes it’s difficult to articulate.  Certainly not meant to judge and I’m sorry if any of it comes across that way.

    Whatever path you take you will find support, whether it is trying to make your marriage work, or dealing with the aftermath – things will be ok.

    Just focus on making sure your kids feel safe, cared for and supported  throughout. This applies to trying to work things out or separating.- they are very astute and even at a very early age or babies even they understand a lot more than they let on, and pick up on everything and it does have a lasting effect.   If you have someone who can look after them and give you and your husband time and space to talk properly uninterrupted that’s probably the best advice I could give.

    All the best

    #26504 Report

    BluebirdSue
    Participant

    Hi

    I don’t think I could top Welshdad’s advice really.

    What I would say is we all get in a rut sometimes. Maybe its something to do with that you don’t have a lot of free time for yourself? Is it all work, kids, chores etc? You don’t have a lot of free time for yourself, let alone free time with your husband? 🙂

    #26509 Report

    2019changes
    Participant

    Hi Aimee,

    My Wife has said/is saying the same things as you, however she didn’t attempt to discuss with me, or to try living a different way. I knew there were problems but did not know how she was feeling as she did not tell me, and said ‘you should have noticed’. She has had an affair and it is too late now, trust is broken, after 25 years together.

    Welshdad is spot on- what has changed since you fell in love with him,  and what can be done about this?  Space and time can work wonders, as long as you are both wanting the same thing.

    If you know it is over, tell him as soon as possible, do not start a new relationship until this one is over. However dips in a marriage are normal, it is how we climb out of them that makes the difference.

    Good luck

     

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