Where do I stand

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  • #33705 Report


    My son is 8 months old, his dad has seen him 3 times at the moment on three different days only for 2 hours, once at 4months and then not until he was 7months. Through mediation we have arranged he gets to know our son before he can increase contact, and this includes his other kids and his wife.

    He left me at 20wks pregnant and has litterally only taken interested when I went through CSA for maintenance. He denied him at first and we had to have a DNA test done which proved he is the dad.

    He isn’t on the birth certificate, and after 2 visits over 2 weeks (for 2hrs) he’s decided that he wants to have his children there, I’ve sed the time is for him to get to know his son, on his own. I do supervised the visits as due to the situation his wife isn’t on the best terms with me and I feel she would take this out on my child, also he was involved in a car accident just before we spilt, this been his second driving offense that I know off, he was driving tired.. he did admit this too me although through lack of evidence he’s still not be charged however the first time he was jailed for 6-8months and lost his license for 5 yrs which he’s not long since had back. Due to this I fear him driving around with my son in the car, as last time I was in the car the day before the accident he was driving like a crazy man and I thought then we was gunna crash. Besides that while him and his wife was apart alot of things was sed and a few things have concerned me, one been he was seen pinning his older son by the throat in the living room to train him kick boxing moves. His kids have witnessed him hitting his wife (apparently this was in retaliation of her hitting him first), his wife has called the police on 2 occasions, one in which he was kept in the cells for a few hours, and as he recorded it she was heard saying ‘i don’t want him here, I have my children inside’ he’s wanting 50/50 custody of my son and clearly I have concerns, we spoke in mediation and I’ve agreed to the every Sunday at a play gym, he isn’t on the birth certificate but he’s pushing to go on which I’ve stated he can take that to courts as I don’t feel comfortable giving him rights with the concerns. I tried to speak to the police but they was unable to help as to if he was a danger to my son. Before we had a son he threatened my ex partner and one of my best friends to which both expressed their opinions, he told my ex he’d followed me home and was watching our house… How true this is I don’t know but I’ve stated if he does it now I will contact the police and I haven’t seen anything. My question is what is the best action in this situation, I’ve not spoken to the wife and so only going on information he has told me, I felt maybe if I could meet and greet with her then I would feel more comfortable in allowing her around my son, but as it is at the moment I feel like he’s pushing me to hurry up the getting to know our son so he can take him, but I’m just not very sure what’s in the child’s best interest. Shall I let it go to courts. When we was together he was very controling I was unable to go anywhere without him turning up to see who was there and when I found out I was pregnant and asked to go baby shopping his words was ‘ur not going shopping with anyone but me’. He controlled the money as he was the only one working and my benefits stopped while we lived together leaving me relying on him, which he told me if I told him where I was going then he would give me £5 a day. I have another son who when we broke up it had an affect on him and he went through mood swings and I had to work with to get him to accept he’d gone. Now I’ve refused him to see my oldest as I don’t want to confuse him (he’s 3years old, and he’s not the dad), my oldest has a fantastic relationship with his dad and stays over one night a week but on the weekends he’s unable to have him (it’s a private arrangement, no courts) I haven’t childcare, so I told him there will be some weekends I couldn’t commit too but did offer, Mon and wed while he’s in nursery 9-3 which he sed he couldn’t do Mon-fri due to work. So this leaves just Sunday as apparently he has commitments to clubs and things with his older children on a Saturday.


    Thanks guys any help would be greatly appreciated, I’ve not been through it before, sorry it’s so long… Any advice at all and I will be grateful..

    My son has my last name, dad isn’t on the birth certificate and I’ve been his full time carer since he was born. I hardly even have anyone babysit he’s litterally with me 24/7 x

    #33728 Report


    I wondered if you have had any support? It sounds like you have endured alot of domestic abuse. There are some great support services out there. You can also do the freedom programme online. It also sounds like the only reason he wants to see his child is to reduce his financial obligations. You have real concerns over the safety of your child, why would you open up access to future abuse of your child? You could let him take it court, and ask to only allow supervised access in a contact centre due to the abuse?

    #33761 Report


    Thank u, I felt the access to his son was more to gain more control as he’s been seeing him now for 3 weeks in public with me there, he’s only spend 2 hrs max a day (3 days) and then started arguing that he wanted his older children to come and doesn’t get that I’ve sed no. In mediation it was for him to spend the time with the child with me there, but now he’s not liking how long it’s taking him and he wants to push for it to go faster, and is still pushing for the birth certificate which he tried to speak to me today about and I told him he can take to court cos I’m not allowing him on unless I’m forced to. I don’t feel comfortable giving him so much control, and I feel he has some plans the second I let him on, given his history and the lack of trust I have in him and his wife x

    #33775 Report

    Hi Tynclare2016

    I’m one of the moderators here and I have some signposts for you to explore this situation.  With regards to what you are legally allowed to do I would recommend that you contact The Child Law Advice service.

    • Child Law advice service https://childlawadvice.org.uk/ – they again provide legal advice on family law issues related to children, so if you are thinking of making changes to contact they have information on their website about this, and a helpline staffed by legal specialists 0300 330 5480

    With regards to any concerns you have for children I would suggest you contact the NSPCC for advice.

    • NSPCC – support for any adult concerned about the safety of a child – 0808 800 5000

    For further issues around domestic abuse in whatever form you can contact the National Domestic Violence helpline for advice and support.

    • National Domestic Violence helpline – for support with regards to historic abuse  Freephone, 24-hour: 0808 2000 247 http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/

    I hope this helps, Justine

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