When to take the leap?

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  • #36662 Report



    I am wondering at what point people left their abusive partners?
    My husband has been abusive for years, mostly emotionally. It came to light last year that he had been secretly battling drugs which led to prostitues. He went into rehab and came out a changed person but now I feel like after all that’s happen I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget or maybe forgive him. It’s doesn’t help that he isn’t very nice to me still when I get worried about him going out drinking.

    i have 3 children and in the past stayed as I thought it was best for them but now I feel like I’m getting older (34) and I’m wasting my life with someone who is quite cruel to me. My fuse with him is very short as he’s done such horrible things but then works his way back when I’m really hanging on by a thread. i have support from family and friends but why can’t I just make that break?! Am I the only one who holds on hoping things will get better?

    i don’t work as I have a baby (1yrs) don’t know why I’m posting but would be good to have some contact from people who won’t judge or think I’m stupid for staying this long.


    i feel like as my fuse is short I’m loosing who I am and turning into someone I don’t want to be. I’m a nice girl and I feel like he’s just going to turn everyone against me with lies.

    what do I do? I would be happy with him leaving but I can’t see him going without a fight.

    #36672 Report


    Hi Lou   –      If you want advice or support with regard to domestic abuse you can ring the Women’s Aid 24 hour domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247.   Also, here’s a link to the Gingerbread pages on getting emotional support https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/information/you-and-your-childs-wellbeing/looking-after-your-emotional-health/

    #36693 Report


    Hi Lou. It’s never easy leaving someone you’ve loved. And (counter intuitively) sometimes it can be even more difficult when abuse is added to the dynamic.  I’ve dealt with emotional abuse from partners in the past, one of which is the mother of my child.  It took me breaking up with her three times to make it stick,  and every time her words would bring me back. Her demeanor changed entirely,  everything she said would be coated with praise,  sweetness, nostalgia,  and (only during the times when she was trying to get me back) acceptance of her faults. However as soon as we would get back together I was the idiot,  the one always at fault,  the one who needed to change.

    I have a feeling that if you leave you’ll encounter one or more of these things. Keep your strength and stick to your decision because you know it’s better for you! It will improve quality of life for not just you,  but your children as well, as a happy parent can more aptly care for her offspring. Be warned that after you leave your mind may work against you like mine did. It may push the good times to the forefront of your thought while sweeping under the rug all the reasons why you left.  When this is combined with sweet words and promises (Even obviously false promises) it can be very tempting to go back.  However the fact that you’re posting here shows that you’ve got strength behind you.  You’ve got potential energy to change your life for the better,  and you’re already taking the first step forward.  Best wishes, and good luck.  I believe in you!


    #36694 Report


    Also to answer your question (which I just realized I failed to do in my ramblings) I broke up with her after two years and when our son was nine months old.

    #36697 Report


    Lou, It’s easy to leave someone who is an emotional abuser. First most of the time we do not realise it, there is plenty at stake too such as Children, finances, and….our feeling.

    I have been conscience of her abuse when she wanted to divorce and get her divorce. To be honest leaving is the best things to do or at last being separated to see how it goes, take a breath. good to see the behaviour of the other. Each details is important and most important make sure that you are respected as a person, as a wife, as a mother or vice versa No room for excuses.

    Purpose of couple is to build help support each other but help and support is not a window to be abused in any way.

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