When is enough, enough?
5 January 2021 at 12:43 am #47603
Hello. This is my first post on here. I hope anyone who’s reading this are well. I’m currently separated and my soon to be ex husband is living with a new partner and her children. My ex and I have young children. Due to his lack of attendance and commitment, he currently on visits the children at a bare minimum level. For nearly every contact he’s late, cancels or no shows. He is generally rude towards me and usually offensive. I try to be civil as I do not want the children witnessing such bad behaviour. It’s been like this for months. Where do I draw the line? Where do I stand legally? It’s becoming so unbearable and making our lives a misery. I just don’t know if I can stop this continuing without going to court with money I do not have. I have tried to discuss with him so many times but he does whatever he wants… and gets away with it. Meanwhile ruining my children’s mental health and mine. I feel so alone and exhausted by everything. Please can anyone give me some guidance?7 January 2021 at 10:35 am #47732
Hi,I hope you are ok today.
I had a lot of this which made being on my own even more difficult.I really had to fight for him to stick to a schedule and to keep seeing the kids as they were very young when he left & they missed him.I got a lot of confusing & conflicting advice from friends.I ended up sacrificing a very lot of time and my peace of mind,it took over much of my week for years& I didn’t gain very much.I think it depends if the gain outweighs the trouble you will have to put yourself thru.Or how the kids manage without him.It’s very challenging when they’re disrespectful to you but on the other hand you don’t want ur kids hurt.I wish you much mental strength.7 January 2021 at 12:37 pm #47743
yes it must be difficult. if you went to court, they can not force him to see the kids. they will get you to make the kids available to him on certain days, like every other weekend, a phone call here and there. there have been extreme cases where a parent has gone to court and said the other parent regularly does no-shows and distresses the children. so court ordered that parent is no longer allowed to see the kids.7 January 2021 at 7:41 pm #47760
Good evening, One way of taking the 1st step to sort things out about child arrangements is to start mediation. You can then if he attends highlight some of the major issues you have. One i imagine being that your childrens dad needs to have the kids set times and days and not turn up when it suits or do no shows. If he doesnt attend mediation it will be signed off and you can start court proceedings . Hopefully it doesnt go this far , but you can actually represent yourself so it would keep the costs very low. if your childrens dad refuses to engage then and continues to let your children down you are entitled to stop all contact until its resolved8 January 2021 at 10:51 pm #47879
Thank you for everyone’s comments. I appreciate the time you’ve taken to reply.
I think I’ll have to move onto mediation. Although apprehensive about it, as my ex can sell ice to Eskimos. I’m dreading it, if he somehow worms his way out of his bad behaviour with excuses. I know he’s played on the stereotypes of ‘crazy ex wife’ and ‘poor father’ to his new GF. So God knows what lies he’s been feeding her. He’s a very charming, professional and well spoken guy… On the surface… but I know it’s just a veneer.
The children have adjusted well and they are happy when it’s just us three. The days he is due to see them, there’s then upset before and afterwards when he doesn’t turn up or is late etc. Which I then have to compensate for his bad behaviour. At night time I’m kinda stewing on everything. As during the day time with the children, I’m busy acting like strong mummy… Which is completely exhausting.
Has anyone been through mediation? Or court! What is it actually like?8 January 2021 at 11:10 pm #47883
I’ve been through mediation and it is a process that is a must before you can lay down the law, at least you were seen to be making the effort, the main aspect is what is best for the children and then what’s best for you, just be civil, be the bigger person in this and you will feel better with yourself, in the end the courts should see what the situation is and make a decision where your children and you no longer have to suffer.9 January 2021 at 9:26 am #47889
OK thank you Robbent. I’ve been trying the be the bigger person throughout this.. I’m gaslighted at every opportunity and he just takes advantage. Its like he knows I’ll opt for the high road, so he just does what he wants because he knows he’ll still get away with it and still get what he wants. Which right now appears to be to see the children every couple of weeks for a few hours, to make himself look like super dad in front of her. No doubt he’ll be telling her I’ve not let him see them, when the truth is, he is the one who cancels etc. He does even show to special days like Christmas and birthdays, to which he’s invited to see them. He always makes excuses. I’ve said to him multiple times, let’s be civil for the children and also for us. Who wants to live like this? He agrees and then as soon as he’s back to his new life, he’s back to being horrible. The immaturity level is embarrassing. He has financial control over me still, which he reminds me of constantly too. Nightmare.9 January 2021 at 9:44 am #47890
He does sound a nightmare and he’s probably being backed up and influenced by his new partner which doesn’t help, i’d try and keep a log of his behavior and time spent with your kids and build up a profile for him to explain when you sit him down next and discuss the way forwards, he does sound quite immature and has not really thought about your children in the bigger picture at all, no matter how much you both dislike each other you must think of the kids in a loving mutual way. He has financial responsibility with you and the children which you need to clarify with the court in order to not have to listen to him spouting off about it.
I hope you can get it sorted sooner rather than later9 January 2021 at 11:13 am #47894
i couldn’t help notice the similarities here with my soon to be ex husband – he left at the beginning of lock down and had an affair- we have three children together and it’s only since he left that I can see how controlling he was – communication is very challenging- he cherry picks when to see them which is complicated by the fact he works shifts. I love it when it’s just the children and I and his days the babes are far more unsettled. I want them to have a relationship with their father but he doesn’t seem to want to ‘parent’ any more unless it suits him and makes my life harder. I found using the ‘grey rock’ technique helped – to try and take the emotion out of the situation as I was constantly feeling manipulated – looking at any support pages on narcissistic exes was helpful too- not that I’m saying your ex is – just mine was abusive physically, emotionally and financially and it’s a tall order for anyone to find their feet again but we will and be much better off – children first 💪sending you strength9 January 2021 at 1:30 pm #47900
That should read *doesn’t turn up for Christmas and birthdays.
Robbent, yes you’re right. I’ll keep a diary of everything. He doesn’t even apologise and somehow it ends up always being my fault. I honestly try very hard to be ‘nice’ to him in front of the children, for the children and the bigger picture but he is so arrogant about everything. When he’s the one who’s left our family!
Liljo. Thank you for sharing. Yes, my ex is a narcissistic person too.