What’s best for the children?

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  • #17132 Report


    I have two children who currently live with me. My husband refused to move out, so I left the family home with the children. Currently their father sees them for two nights a week, but is keen to have a shared care arrangement or be the main carer. He has made an application to court in respect of my violent and aggressive behaviour, which of course is in retaliation to me leaving and complete nonsense. His issue is with me and not focussed on the best interests of the children.

    My children are 3 and 4 and I feel certain that they shouldn’t be pulled from pillar to post, yet they need to see their dad and maintain a good relationship with him. Is two nights enough and one night after school for tea? Would a shared care arragement be better for them? I just want to make the right descion and make sure I’m not being biased. All advice or support welcome?

    #17153 Report


    Hi Laura,  that sounds like a bit of a nightmare. Hopefully it will calm down soon.

    firstly, does your ex have any evidence of your “violent and aggressive behaviour”. Has he ever called the police on you or gone to A&E with injuries. Because if he hasn’t, the court won’t just take his word. Also violent and aggressive people don’t just move out, they tend to stand their ground and fight, so keep that in mind.

    your kids need to see both parents but in a way that allows them to carry on life with as little disruption as possible. They are still very young and things will be much better for them if you and the ex can keep it amicable. Do you think he wants shared care because he’s missing the children or is it about money/ revenge? Or a bit of both?

    do you both work? Is your older child at school? If so, you will want to keep the school place. Who does the school run? Does your other child go to nursery or cm?

    You have to make it workable for both so think what you are happy to suggest. Also bear in mind that your ex is angry now, but he may change his mind about access over time. And come up with a suggestion for Xmas now.

    EOW plus one evening in the week is pretty common but other things can work. My ex lives further away and chooses to see our ds, who is a bit older, every Sunday plus one weekend in 7, ie school hols & half terms. We flex around holidays and Xmas.

    Whatever works for the pair of you is best. And importantly, keeping any animosity hidden from your children. Good luck and stay calm x

    #17154 Report


    Thank you for your reply.

    I believe his motivation to be a knee jerk reaction to me saying that enough is enough. He is concerned that I will be pursuing the lions share of our property, and that he will need to pay over the odds in maintenance. It’s a really destructive situation. I want to do the very best for our children.

    #17162 Report


    If you think he is likely to become less keen on 50:50 care over time, I’d go for EOW and one night in the alternate week to start with, and then you can always add time when that’s working.

    That’s better than him having 50% and then not managing it well, which is distressing for the children and will cause endless arguments.

    #17165 Report



    I also find myself in a similar situation however my ex has been mentally and verbally abusive and has also lashed out at me. It’s currently a court matter but what makes things worse is I have found out I am pregnant and he claims it’s nothing to do with him.

    His family are very wealthy and he too likes to dictate about the children just feel like I’m constantly in a no win situation!

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