What would you do?

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  • #37606 Report

    Lulublue
    Participant

    My ex has had no contact with his child for almost a year, which I’m coming  to terms with.

    just over a month ago he stopped our private agreement for maintenance, this took ages to set up after I contacted csa and he refused to fill out the paperwork. So he’s paid 20 weeks out of a year

    im in two minds! One just thinks ignore it, I didn’t rely on the money I saved it for rainy days ie car repairs, if anything big like a fridge needed replacing and school uniform when those days arrive. I knew this would happen at some point. So now I’m trying to save for those days but working part time and universal credit topping my wage up, it difficult.
    on the other hand it angers me and fills me with disgust that he can just walk away and take no responsibility for his child and I should contact csa, even if I don’t get anything. I have no idea if he’s working (I hear different stories) and if he is it’s probably self employed and he probably won’t declare his earnings.

    what would you do? Ignore it and pretend he no longer exists or put a claim in knowing there will probably be some kind of backlash?
    I just can’t get my head around someone not wanting  to do right by there child in the form of contact, emotional support and financial responsibility.
    Thanks

    #37607 Report

    Hotberry
    Participant

    I don’t want to come across as if I’m bashing up so please don’t take this the wrong way.

    Before I begin, I’m all for all forms of support to the child from the estranged parent.

    You sound as if you’re contradicting yourself.

    You said that you didn’t rely on the money that you were getting, but are on Universal Credit, that this money could be used for rainy days such as various repairs but then you’re now considering to go down the CSA route.

    The money is for the child and should be spent accordingly.

    You need to decide whether being in receipt of this money will actually benefit the child directly going forward.

    I would go through CSA (which I am doing) so that everything is formal, regardless of the outcome.

    But I would’nt waste my time if I didn’t need the money, potentially adding more delays to other cases that do rely on the money.

    Sorry if I offended you, it’s not my intention.

    #37608 Report

    Hotberry
    Participant

    *bashing you. That was suppose to read.

    #37609 Report

    Lottie5412
    Participant

    My opinion on this…. My son is 7, and not once I have requested money from the man (I say this loosely!!) who fathered him. I haven’t contacted the csa and refuse to do so. I won’t make anyone care for their child, it should be a given if he is any kind of man. The fact is, the last time he saw him I was still in the Labour ward.

    Think about your personal situation, yes it’s hard (extremely!!) but you will be OK. It will take some adjustments and cut backs but you can do this… I know its easier said than done but the rewards are perfect. My son knows a work ethics, knows about saving and budgets. Nothing is free, time and hard graft. Best lesson I’ve ever taught him!

    #37610 Report

    Lulublue
    Participant

    I’m not offended, but it sounds like you think because I was sensible saving  the maintenance I got, I don’t deserve to receive any?
    i knew from experience that he was going to stop maintenance, so I put it away not relying on it, so when it did stop I would be able to mange on what I have. That being said, I have very little left from the month and if a big bill came in I wouldn’t be able to afford it.
    it’s not like i was saving the money for myself, it was a case of being sensible so she could have what she needs.

    I’m in two minds… Id like to just ignore it but, dont you not agree that it takes two to make a child? So I’m not sure why he can just walk away from his responsibility, his life hasn’t changed at all… whereas i had to leave my whole life, as I knew it behind and start again having to rely on benefits to top my wage up.

    #37611 Report

    Lottie5412
    Participant

    I can completely understand where your coming from. Yes it takes two, he should stand by your child!

    The fact he has withdrawn from his family and taken the “easy” route out, should tell you what kind of man he is, showing his true colours.

    I personally chose the harder option, because I won’t force anyone to care, yes I am stubborn! I panic every time the gas bill comes, the fear of not being able to pay it, but when that comes along, I make a plan and soldier on… Its entirely your choice.  You mention backlash? In what sense if you don’t mind me asking….??

    #37612 Report

    Lulublue
    Participant

    Thanks Lottie

    I completely get that! What your saying is what half of me thinks and the other half I’m just angry at the whole situation. That’s why I’m asking for an opinions on here.
    he was mentally abusive, I haven’t contacted him since Summer last year but have received multiple messages from him some threatening. He sent expensive gifts to our daughter via his mum who we see on a regular basis, but never contacted mediation to arrange to see her. This was something I asked him to do a year ago after I had tried every form of contact I could think of! He only turned up 50% of the time and I’d be constantly bombarded with abuse and manipulation. I blocked his number just after Christmas and then the maintenance stopped. It’s all mind games.
    I’m not sure what would happen, but it would give him an excuse to kick off wether that be at my house or when I collect his mum to see my daughter. Or I could just be thinking this due his abusive behaviour in the past.

    #37613 Report

    Lottie5412
    Participant

    A bit of brutal honesty required. Do you want him to be around your little one? Deep down?

    Personally I wouldn’t sink to his level of games, you don’t need that crap in your life… The fact is expensive gifts do not replace a person – is he trying to buy love? kids need stability and love which your baby gets from you… I wouldn’t be chasing him for F*** all…. His loss…. You can do this, make it work for you!!

    #37616 Report

    Lulublue
    Participant

    No I don’t, he would destroy her! Unless he sorted himself out on a drastic level! which isn’t going to happen. It’s a long complicated boozey, drug filled story about him.
    I think you are completely right in your advice and I should just let it go and when I find myself getting consumed with anger and disgust at him, I should take a few deep breaths and think about what a great life I have with my little one!
    I used to get angry about the no contact but it passes as will this and with a few nips and tucks, I will be able to put some money away for those rainy days.
    No he’s not trying to buy her love, she’s only 2 1/2…. unfortunately she has never been the first thing on his mind, she’s always been a pawn to get to me.
    Thank you! My head is definitely clearer for your advice! Super mum is back in the room 😉

    #37617 Report

    Lottie5412
    Participant

    Your more than welcome…. Its not an easy decision to make but ultimately its the best for both you and the little one…..

    When I have my moody moments (as my lovely son calls them) I just take a look at him and think “I did that…. I molded that little boy into a bundle of awesome!!”

    My little boy has never had a male role model and when anyone asks him, he just says “I got a mom who is slightly bonkers and embarrassing, why would I want another parent” makes me giggle every time!! Im the mom who lives to embarrass him, yes I shout across the play ground “LOVE YA” and no one can tell me otherwise 😂

    #37618 Report

    Lulublue
    Participant

    Brilliant! 🤣 I love that! My little one tells me I’m bonkers too
    Sounds like you’re a great mum.

    have a great Sunday 😉

    #37619 Report

    Hotberry
    Participant

    Hi Guys,

    Sorry about that, I feel back asleep lol and was woken up by my 7 year old boy with the first thing to come out of his mouth being “did you find him yet”.

    I will explain my story further down in the response.

    Just going through all the responses now.

    Your daughter 100% absolutely deserves the maintenance, the comment about you saving for car and fridge repairs and you not relying on the money just threw me.

    I now understand that you knew that the payments would eventually stop so you did make the sensible decision best for the both of you.

    You can save for what you feel is best, Its actually swings and roundabouts as all bills needs to be paid regardless of where the money comes from.

    It 100% definitely does take 2 to make a child but amnesia kicks in the second ejaculation is over!

    I am also not sure why they can just walk away from everything just like that. In my opinion, that shouldn’t be a choice.

    There are so many laws out there which are unfair and we don’t have a choice but to abide by them AND there are consequences attached such as not paying council tax.

    How are household bills more important than 2 consenting parents being responsible for a child in all forms and there being no consequences for that except for the damage it could cause the child.

    It’s difficult to define a man that walks away in situations like this as sometimes it’s not even about the child why they have walked away but I am also not saying that this is ok.

    As mother’s, there is so much pressure put on us in these situations and yes we do soldier on but that does make it fair or right either and we are affected whether we like to admit it or not.

    I don’t see how someone has a choice to walk away, this having an affect on the child and this not being called child abuse.

    In this situation, yes force these people to raise the children that they created. That was their choice. This is destroying our children in one way other another, whether it happens now or later, its not fair on them.

    I think mediation should also be enforceable but guided by the experts as they know what would be best for the child emotionally and mentally.

    I would definitively get a restraining order out against him as you need to be safe.

    I do think you should go down the CSA route as then you wouldn’t have to deal with him directly. He can kick off with himself.

    The money will come out directly from his income or benefit income so the choice is taken away from him unless he gives either of them up.

    I mentioned mediation further up but have now come to the comments about drink and drugs so medication probably wouldn’t be the best thing for your daughter but when he does get better, its an option.

    I personally don’t think that all the love in the world would satisfy a child if the other parent is not around. I think that being disowned would still be there no matter how deep down in the brain or how big a child’s smile is.

    I think that if we don’t fight for what is right, the situation just becomes normalised and the cycle gets repeated from generation to generation.

    I’ve been writing this for 2 hours lol.

    #37622 Report

    Lulublue
    Participant

    Thanks for your reply I appreciate your 2 hours. 😉
    It’s a really difficult one, but my thinking is you can’t force a parent to have contact and be a parent. I’ve tried this and even though mine was very young when she realised daddy wasn’t coming (18months) it broke me in two. The following few days he said he no longer wanted to see her, then a few weeks later did…. not for the first time. that’s when I said mediation. Which he didn’t bother to call. I was so broken at that point, now if he was to make a move to be a parent mediation wouldn’t work and I’d push for supervised contact and drug testing and once he was clean for a good amount of time, then relaxing access would be discussed…. not that, that’s going to happen as he can’t see further than the end of his nose.
    Yes she will alway wonder why he abandoned her, but I think she will grow up stronger and more able to cope with life’s challenges with one loving parent, rather than one and the other being forced to see her or dipping in and out when he feels like it.
    I just know how I felt as an adult being abandoned pregnant then him coming back briefly until he didn’t get his way and leaving again. Him putting his addiction before me…. it broke me and if that was to happen to her as a child I can’t imagine the irreversible damage that could cause to her mental health.
    It’s not the first child he’s walked away from. I was told she upd and left to be with her ex, whilst pregnant and he had no clue as to where she’d gone…. makes me wonder what actually happened now.
    Before becoming a mum I didn’t give it much thought, as all you hear about is one parent not letting the other parent have access. Now if I was to date a man who said he doesn’t see or support his child, I’d be out the door as quick as my legs could carry me.

    #37623 Report

    Hotberry
    Participant

    It’s all f’d up!!

    I don’t know anything about drugs but I guess that this is chosen over and above everything so I wouldn’t take it personally. It doesn’t make it right.

    My childhood friend/neighbour died last month and I didn’t know how to help her and she left 2 young kids behind.

    #37624 Report

    Hotberry
    Participant

    My story is this.

    I am a single mother of a 7 year old boy and I work full time in London.

    I have been raising my son alone since birth, meanwhile the “other person” would dip in and out during my pregnancy because he was living various different lives.

    He was present at my son’s birth, named him (first, middle and surname) and jointly registered him, which means he has joint parental responsibility.

    He has seen him a total of approximately 5 times in 7 years, he has never attended or called on any of his birthdays and has finally confirmed in February 2020 that he “does not want anything to do with me or the sperm donation”.

    To date, I have not been given a justifiable reason why he has chosen to address my son in this way and why he has chosen to abandon him in all forms.

    What these types of people are failing to understand, is the distinction between the issues between the parents and this having nothing to do with the child, causing potential mental health issues for the child.

    These types of people are very selfish and inconsiderate of other people’s feelings, especially the children.

    We have not spoken for about 4 years, except for when he reappeared on my birthday in December 2018 to wish me a happy birthday and to very briefly ask about my son.

    Things have not been amicable between us for a very long amount of years, alot of negative things have been said and done on both sides but I am willing to push all of that aside for the sake of my son.

    How does a person get to choose to walk away?

    Why aren’t there any laws in place for this type of behaviour?

    Why is it that the mother’s are left to pick up the pieces?

    Why are kids not being safeguarded?

    There needs to be repercussions and consequences for these types of behaviour such as enforced mediation, enforced visitation, enforced contact via other means, community service, fines, driving licence sanctions or even jail time for repeated offences (even though these aren’t legal offences), just yet.

    We need to stop normalising this behaviour and stop accepting it as if it’s ok. We need to break the cycle, stand together and fight for our innocent children.

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