What to tell the kids?

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This topic contains 11 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  GingerbreadJustine 3 months, 3 weeks ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 12 total)
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  • #27034 Report

    Nick35
    Participant

    So my husband just walked out today with no goodbye, nothing for the kids or me. I knew for a long time this was coming but i never thought it will actually come. Must have been in a world of my own because i work 2 jobs, 5 days a week and at the weekends i look after the kids…i just have no more tears to cry. I have done what was best for the family and in return i got a lot of criticism, a lot of name calling and shaming me in from of his family and our boys ( little ones 4 and 2)

    Now how do i tell my boys that he will never come back. Breaks my heart just to think of it

    #27036 Report

    Valtos3
    Participant

    Why do you think he won’t come back? You’ve got kids together, Surely he’ll come back or be in touch.

    #27038 Report

    Nick35
    Participant

    Because  he bloked me on this phone, i have no social accounts so basically he wasn’t no contact. And at this point, considering all the emotional abuse i’ve been through, I don’t feel like i want him anymore, but it still hurts because i see my boys being upset and they ask for him…just don’t know what or how to say it

    #27040 Report

    PeterD
    Participant

    Hi N

    When our kids mother walked out and left the kids with me I didn’t know what to tell the children. I couldn’t sleep with worry.

    I soon realised that the kids were noticing that I wasn’t myself so I decided to tell them about their mother. Yes it was hard but since the chat everything has been great.

    The main topic of the conversation was telling them that it wasn’t nothing to do with them so they wouldn’t blame themselves. I still mention this every now and again just to comfort them.

    Although it was tough in the beginning it does get a lot easier and it’s fantastic not having a toxic environment.

    Stay strong not only for the kids but for yourself.

    P

    #27042 Report

    Nick35
    Participant

    Hi P

    Thank you for the advice.

    Will try my best, it’s so hard to keep it together in front of them but doing ok so far. Can’t stop blaming myself for this situation mainly because my ex made sure i’ll feel rotten for the rest of my life. Deep inside i know it’s not my fault but it’s difficult to ignore the thought. He stop loving me a long time ago, even said that he was with me only for the kids, he said so many hurtful things some very nasty…and dispite all this…he is in my  thoughts. I can’t help by crying so much, almost like grieving

    #27043 Report

    PeterD
    Participant

    Hi N

    They say separation is like the grieving process. It’s a big circle, loss, anger frustration and the final part is acceptance.

    You can’t blame yourself no matter what he has said. Although it’s easy for someone else to say.

    Ive been there you are just at the beginning.I can guarantee you this that you WILL come out of it as a better and stronger person and you will feel fantastic.

    I broke down in front of my kids and it was the first time they saw me cry☹️☹️

    However since that we have grown even stronger as a family.We all need to let go sometimes.Holding back on our emotions isn’t good for our wellbeing.

    You will get through to the other side and I promise you it’s a great place to be.

    P

    #27046 Report

    SOLOMUMMY
    Participant

    Right now, I wouldn’t say anything beyond he’s gone out/away for work or something.

    Once you have spoken with him and actually have a way forward, that’s when I would think about being honest with the children. Until then there isn’t actually anything to say…

    #27047 Report

    Nick35
    Participant

    Thank you solomummy

    You are very right, but unfortunately he’ll never sit down to have that talk. Never wanted and never will ( in his words)

    As soon as he walked out he has planed his weekend abroad under pretext that he is going to see his parents and that what the kids know right now. But he was very clear when he said not to expect him back. I can’t contact him at all and obviously he went to extreme length no to be disturbed. The thing is i have no family here and i’m all alone. No help from anyone and he even said that i’m the only one responsible for all this situation. Am lucky enough to have a job but now i’m not sure it i can keep it.

    #27048 Report

    SOLOMUMMY
    Participant

    In that case, I would message or call his parents, under the guise that you’re just checking he’s arrived safely and to confirm that you’d like to continue awith regard relationship with the in-laws regardless! And I would explain that he needs to email you with regards his financial commitments (mortgage he’s still equally as liable as you etc) and child/spousal maintenance. And to discuss contact arrangements.

    With regards work for you. Can you do either of the jobs around school hours? In the short-term if one of the roles is outside of school hours, it may mean that you need to request emergency/parental leave (technically should be requested in advance). Apply for universal credit today. Look into breakfast/afterschool clubs. Childminders – look at local authority providers and  childcare.org,uk to start with.

    Be practical right now. If he’s gone then you need to be able to manage.

    m

    #27049 Report

    Nick35
    Participant

    Again, many thanks for the advice solomummy. It is highly appreciated. It’s a bit tricky to keep the job because i’m a nanny and the family that i’m working with really needs me full time. My ex was minding the kids half a day, he works nights. And the pre school where the kids are going will break for the summer holidays soon…so you see that i have a great question mark over my future. We live in a rented house and we have joint contract. My agent was clear when he said that i can’t live at the house without my other half. Although i did say that i can pay the rent without problems…it’s one big mess..i can only hope i’ll manage to pull something off so i can maintain some sort of stability for the boys

    #27054 Report

    SOLOMUMMY
    Participant

    If over 3 the children would be entitled to 30 hours free, plus universal credits pays 85% of childcare.  So though not ideal you may still be better off with moving the children to a nursery which doesn’t operate on term times.

    Worst case scenario could you approach your employer for some leniency in the interim?

    Don’t forget also that contact with ex can be arranged to benefit you toast well as being convenient for him,

    #27101 Report

    Hi Nick35

    I’m sorry you are experiencing this at this.  You will find that there are lots of parents on the forum that will be able to provide you with support.  Please continue to chat with them.

    At Gingerbread we have a number of factsheets that may also help you during this time.  Have a look around the website and hopefully you will find some information that could be useful to you.  Here is some information on what to do when you are suddenly on your own.

    Take care, Justine

     

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